Thursday, December 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says airport passengers in the future may encounter kiosks featuring lie detectors. The technology will be trained to narrow down those who look disheveled, anxious and distressed as either potential terrorists or people who are travelling with United.

Some cities are installing parking-like meters to collect spare change to combat panhandling. The meters will be placed where panhandlers usually gather which will then be designated as no free-loading zones.

A California mall has banned teenagers who are unaccompanied by adults. Which means the stores there are going to be cutting themselves out of 98% of their business.

Some critics are charging too many airline passengers are flying with phony support pets. Mostly people who know that taking their pit bull on a flight is the best way to keep away flight attendants coming around and trying to charge any additional fees.

Myanmar men may be facing jail time for not marrying women they get pregnant. If that law ever gets passed in the U.S., the official uniform for every NBA team will be an orange jumpsuit.

A Florida family is suing a hospital, saying doctors waited too long to remove a battery swallowed by their child. Apparently the problem started when doctors said there was “no charge” they were talking about the battery.

A Florida family is suing a hospital, saying doctors waited too long to remove a battery swallowed by their child. The family became upset when doctors said every time the kid moved the tests went from coming out “positive” to “negative.”

A Florida family is suing a hospital, saying doctors waited too long to remove a battery swallowed by their child. The good news is that ever since the incident, the child has just kept going, and going…

Massachusetts is delaying the opening of recreational marijuana stores until July. Mostly because the paperwork from potential shop owners came back illegible covered with pizza grease and orange fingerprints from Cheetos.

Massachusetts is delaying the opening of recreational marijuana stores until July. Mostly because the potential shop owners, when told they needed to rent space and buy their merchandise to start their business just keep saying “We forgot.”

A report says the dinner date is becoming a thing of the past as online daters are too busy or cheap to dine out when first meeting. Although some still like Taco Bell so if the date doesn’t work out they have an excuse to leave early to go to the ER.

A report says the dinner date is becoming a thing of the past as online daters are too busy or cheap to dine out when first meeting. Especially when both people spend the entire date on their cellphones seeing if anyone is swiping them right on Tinder.

President Obama beat Donald Trump in a poll of the Most Admired Man, with Pope Francis I coming in third. Trump was surprised at losing to Obama, but says people chose him over the Pope because he is still technically his boss.

A report says U.S. investor optimism is ending 2016 at a nine-year high. Which isn’t that much of a surprise as most investors have finally started to make back what they lost in the market over the past eight.

Former New England Patriots tight end Asante Cleveland says that he was cut from the team last year with a call from coach Bill Belichick on Christmas Day. Even Tom Brady says he draws the line at only deflating footballs.

U.S. automakers had a third straight year of record sales. Mostly people who had to buy second and third cars to drive while the others are in the shop for the latest recalls.

Families around the country are complaining that their Hatchimal toys were not hatching from their eggs as advertised. It turns out that not only are the eggs defective, it’s the parents who are becoming hard boiled.

A Dutch medical facility says 26 women patients may have been fertilized by sperm from the wrong father. Now those women know what it is like to have been in a relationship with Kevin Federline.

A study says bringing depression sufferers together on a park bench with a lay medical worker can help ease their symptoms. Mostly by them feeling better about not being charged as much as it costs to see a therapist.

A study says bringing depression sufferers together on a park bench with a lay medical worker can help ease their symptoms. Especially when they are told if they don’t get over their depression that park bench will be where they will be spending the rest of their life.

A report says the skin cancer rate has dropped in the northeast U.S. The only question is why is there any skin cancer at all in a place where people can go out without a coat, hat and gloves only four days out of the entire year?

A report says the cost of keeping kids healthy jumped 56% from 1996-2013. Which could have been cut to zero if their parents had just told them to get off the couch once in awhile.

Gwyneth Paltrow says her ex-husband Chris Martin “would take a bullet” for her. To which most people are saying, “Let’s find out.”

Ravens wide receiver Steve Smith, Sr. says he is “89% sure” he will retire this year. Or as Brett Favre calls a commitment of 89%, pretty much written in stone.

A report says Tesla’s Autopilot technology saved a family by braking before the driver to avoid a crash. Not only that, the only reason the driver was even aware of the situation is because Autopilot sent them a text.

Twitter has announced 360 degree live video streaming on Periscope. Which means when Donald Trump declares nuclear war we will be able to see him do it with the mushroom cloud actually visible in the background.

Donald Trump has announced that Sprint is moving 5,000 jobs back into the U.S. Which will replace the 10,000 American workers they will lay off in order to make room for the foreigners who will work for a tenth of their wages.

A fancy San Francisco restaurant is serving one of their specialty dishes on an iPad. No doubt the dessert that comes with the meal is baked Apple.

IBM CEO Ginni Rometty says she is urging Donald Trump to support worker retraining. Mostly for the thousands of employees that IBM will be letting go now that everything the company makes is pretty much obsolete.

Amazon has refused to give voice recordings from its Echo device featuring voice recognition program Alexa to police in Arkansas for evidence in a murder case. Apparently Alexa isn’t saying a word after having a conversation with someone called Miranda.

Senator Lindsey Graham says 99 of 100 U.S. Senators agree that Russian hackers targeted the U.S. elections in November. People around the country were shocked. 99% of the U.S. Senate actually agree on something?

Data says Americans use debit cards twice as much as credit cards. Mostly because they are only half as open to going back to going back to living in their car again.

A report says that Alaska is having to deal with dirty winter air as many people are using old wood stoves for heat. Which is a real kick in the behind for the people who left California to get out in the Alaskan wilderness to get away from all the smog.

Trump presidential campaign manager Kellyanne Conway says she is having problems trying to enroll her kids in private schools in Washington, D.C. Mostly from the rush of people trying to get their kids out of the public school system before Trump’s new Education Secretary shuts it down.

President Obama has moved to protect land in Utah and Nevada. To which most people are saying from what?

The GOP is proposing rules to fine lawmakers who take photos or shoot video on the House floor. If lawmakers wanted to lose money on video taken inside Congress that no one wants to watch, they would have started up C-SPAN themselves.

The new NBC show “The Wall” premiers on Monday. Even though Donald Trump no longer hosts “The Apprentice,” the network wants to give viewers the idea that he is still coming up with the names for all their new shows.

Bernie Sanders and other Democrats are calling for a “Day of Action” to oppose healthcare cuts. Which most Americans were happy to see Congress calling for one day out of the year where they propose to actually do something.

The White House says it is preparing a response to Russian election interference. Mostly telling the Kremlin that they helped elect Donald Trump, now they are going to have to deal with him for the next four years.

Donald Trump has revealed his first presidential portrait. It will stand out as being the only one hanging in the White House that is painted on black velvet.

Donald Trump has revealed his first presidential portrait. It’s not new, it’s just that as president-elect he will simply bill the government for the $20,000 for the other portrait that he billed to his charity.

President Obama reportedly spent four hours playing golf with friends in Hawaii. No wonder he plays a lot of golf. As President, he can get the course cleared and be the only person in the country who can get in 18 holes in just four hours.

An 85 year old Canadian man broke a world’s record for being the oldest person to run a Marathon in under four hours. When you are 85 years old, it’s tough to commit even four hours for any project that you might not live long enough to finish.

An 85 year old Canadian man broke a world’s record for being the oldest person to run a Marathon in under four hours. The race started at noon and he knew he had to make it under four hours to make it in time for the Early Bird special at Perkins.

A report says a mysterious illness tied to marijuana use is on the increase in states where pot has been legalized. The symptoms include lethargy, lack of motivation and weight gain, which most people can diagnose as signs of being a stoner.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just two more days left in 2016. I guess I am starting the countdown to midnight a little early. I hope you make sure to finish the year in style by making a resolution for 2017 to keep on always sending the love!


No comments: