Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Brawls reportedly broke out at several malls across the country on the day after Christmas. Which gives a new meaning why in the UK it is known as Boxing Day.

Panasonic and Tesla are planning to start making solar panels at a factory in Buffalo. Which is ironic in the fact that the only city in the country that doesn’t get enough sunshine to use the panels is Buffalo. 

A researcher says the practice of gene editing could mean the end of future geniuses. Which is fine because by the time we get that far into the future robots will be doing all the work so being smart will just get in the way.

A proposal in the UK would allow people to plead guilty to criminal offenses by e-mail. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “When can we start doing that here?”

A report says a growing number of Americans are retiring outside the U.S. Mostly as a tradeoff with the foreigners who took their jobs and caused them to call it quits in the first place.

A report says a growing number of Americans are retiring outside the U.S. Which is good news in that means they are still in good enough shape to be able to travel even after they can afford to retire in their mid 90s.

The White House says that robots will take up to half of all jobs in the next decade and we should embrace the idea. Like the White House which will employ robotic Secret Service agents that actually stay sober and remember to lock the front door once in awhile.

China says it will build or renovate 100,000 public toilets by 2020 to boost tourism. Which is sad because the idea comes just a bit too late for the one person who would have enjoyed using them the most. George Michael.

The London School of Economics says people are so sedentary that they no longer need to consume the same amount of calories of past generations. Which is finally some good news for people in the UK who still live on a steady diet of British food.

A report says smartphone obsessed Finland leads the world in average daily screen time. Mostly because what else is there to do but stare at the phone all day when you live in Finland?

Egypt has set up a government council to oversee the media for national security. The only problem is for the people who like using older technology and find it hard to have to go back and change their hieroglyphics once they already have them chiseled into the stone.

The government says that DUI rates have been in a steady decline. Mostly because of the people who find they need to stay sober while driving because it is much easier to concentrate that way on their texting.

A report says that despite d├ętente with the U.S., the economy in Cuba shrank this year. The only question is how could anyone tell?

The Buffalo Bills fired coach Rex Ryan after a record so far this year of 7-8. The only problem is that by waiting this long in the year to fire him, he will be stuck in town until they finally get all the roads plowed by June.

A tech executive with Oculus VR has been arrested in an underage sex sting. The worst part is that he used Virtual Reality to turn himself into Jared from Subway.

A tech executive with Oculus VR has been arrested in an underage sex sting. The good part is that he can take his Virtual Reality equipment to prison so he can imagine the inmate who is having sex with him is actually a female.

California reportedly will not back down from a climate change fight with the Trump Administration. Mostly because the rest of the states want global warming so they can finally have a chance of their state’s climate becoming more like California.

Korean Air is changing their taser policy following an incident with an unruly passenger. Which brings up the question as to why an airline had a taser policy in the first place.

Korean Air is changing their taser policy following an incident with an unruly passenger. Although the new rules don’t go as far as United where anyone being tasered is hit with an $8 recharging fee.

A report says Americans paid $600 Million in overage charges for data this year. It would have been even more except that AT&T dropped its overage fees so customers can watch three movies while waiting for each call to complete.

Forbes has named Scarlett Johansson the top grossing star of 2016. And once again, Seth Rogen topped everyone’s list as the year’s grossest star.

UPS is gearing up for National Returns Day on January 5th when online shoppers send 1.3 Million purchases back to retailers. It’s easy to tell when the day has arrived by seeing dozens of brown trucks driving in reverse.

Washington, D.C. has expanded its paid leave law giving non-government workers up to eight weeks off after giving birth or adopting. It only applies to non-government workers since public sector employees already get 30 hours of paid leave for showing up to work just 10 hours each week.

A report says U.S. consumer confidence is at the highest level since 2001. Which was back when everyone went into debt spending as much as they could right before causing the last crash.

A report says U.S. consumer confidence is at the highest level since 2001. Mostly because people are in the mood to spend what they have because they know things will probably never get any better.

Government experts are warning shoppers to watch out for counterfeit cash. Which is good advice for the people who are over 80 and are the only ones who still actually go shopping using cash.

A study says after pot was legalized in Washington State, teenagers perceived it to be less harmful and were more likely to use it. Which is good because it gave them a reason to give the alcohol, opioids and heroin a break for a while.

A study says after pot was legalized in Washington State, teenagers perceived it to be less harmful and were more likely to use it. The only problem was for their parents who now have to find other ways to keep them off the couch or out of the refrigerator.

A study says people who care for others tend to live longer. Which is bad news for Mel Gibson who doesn’t care for anyone.

A study says people who care for others tend to live longer. Mostly out of revenge knowing that the next person has to go through what they did for an even longer amount of time.

A study says the average college student gains ten pounds in their four years. And that is just the weight of the paper from all the monthly notices that they are behind in paying off their tuition loans.

A study says the average college student gains ten pounds in their four years. Which is different for the average American who out of college and working who is now gaining that ten pounds every year.

A study says the average college student gains ten pounds in their four years. The worst part is that for most college students, they still have another two or three years to go before graduating.

A study says the average college student gains ten pounds in their four years. The good news is that they will lose that weight after graduating worrying about spending the next 20 years paying off their college loans.

The owner of a cabinet making company in Iowa is taking his entire company of 800 workers on a Caribbean cruise. The sad part is for the employees who are being laid off and will be notified when they find out their cruise has been booked on Carnival.

The owner of a cabinet making company in Iowa is taking his entire company of 800 workers on a Caribbean cruise. Apparently he is celebrating knowing his company will never be able to come up with a worse cabinet than Donald Trump.

Minnesota has become the first state to ban the common germ killer Triclosan from soap. Lawmakers in Alabama will consider the same measure as soon as the state sells more than three bars of soap in a year.

Rapper Yung Mazi says God made him “bulletproof” after he survived being shot at a Waffle House in Georgia. If he had not survived, a rapper being gunned down at a Georgia Waffle House would list the death as being from “natural causes.”

Taylor Swift gave a surprise performance to a 96 year old World War II veteran in Missouri. Although at 96, just waking up every morning is pretty much a surprise.

Taylor Swift gave a surprise performance to a 96 year old World War II veteran in Missouri. Apparently he is holding out hope that the way she goes through men, it won’t be long before all that is left are the nonagenarians and it could be his chance.

Buffalo Sabers center Ryan O’Reilly is out after undergoing an appendectomy. The worst part is that it was a result of normal play during a game.

LeBron James has been chosen the AP Male Athlete of the Year. Which is too bad that the AP doesn’t use the same formula as Time for the Person of the Year based on newsworthiness or the clear cut winner would have been Ryan Lochte.

Scientists have devised a theory on why people break eye contact during conversations. Apparently it has to do with them being unable to not check their iPhone for e-mails, Facebook updates or texts more than ten seconds at a time.

Scientists have devised a theory on why people break eye contact during conversations. Which mostly happens when a woman is talking to a man and he breaks eye contact only to check out her breasts or another woman walking by.

Police in Arkansas are requesting recordings from a voice activated Amazon Echo device as part of a murder investigation. The precedent has people at Apple worried to the point where now all Siri ever says is “I didn’t see nothin’!”

Amazon had its best holiday season ever, shipping more than a billion items. Which by now 75% of those purchases are either already in the garbage or are in the process of being repacked and put on a truck for return.

A report says that solar energy is now cheaper than fossil fuels. Which is ironic as most the fossils that can still be found are the people sitting in Big Oil boardrooms.

A report says that solar energy is now cheaper than fossil fuels. But only because most the cost of fossil fuels goes for the bonuses of Big Oil executives and the expense of fighting all those wars in the Middle East for future supplies.

A report says Chris Christie sees a political future for himself in the Trump Administration. Mostly because of Trump’s paranoia which will someday make him see the need to hire an official food taster.

Senator Lindsey Graham says 99% of the U.S. Senate believes Russia interfered with the November election. Which by simple math means with 100 Senators he could have also just said “all but one of us.”

Incoming White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says Donald Trump’s tweets will be an “exciting part” of his presidency. Especially for Spicer who will be spending all day trying to clean up the mess and apologize to all the people who were offended.

Donald Trump says the U.N. is a club where people “get together, talk and have a good time.” Which actually sounds like a good way to keep everyone from starting a bunch of wars which is pretty much the whole idea of the U.N.

Donald Trump says the U.N. is a club where people “get together, talk and have a good time.” Which doesn’t sound like such a bad thing for someone who has made a fortune building golf course country clubs all over the world.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just three days left in 2016. Then it will be 365 days left in 2017. So nothing has really changed. Another thing that won’t change with the New Year will be me still writing jokes here every day. The sad part is that what also won’t change is that I will be doing it for free. But at least I feel it is worth the time and effort when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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