Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report by the Electoral Integrity Project says North Carolina’s level of democracy is about the same as Cuba. It’s getting so bad that the typical state greeting of “’morning, ‘’all” has been replaced with “Buenos dias, comrade!”

A report by the Electoral Integrity Project says North Carolina’s level of democracy is about the same as Cuba. It’s getting so bad that people wanting to leave the state are padding their raft flotillas around the Outer Banks to Virgina.

Pop star George Michael died on December 25th. That means this year was his Last Christmas.

Pop star George Michael died on Christmas Day at age 53. His manager says one day he was fine, the next…Wham!

Pop star George Michael died on Christmas Day at age 53. This means that after 30 years, Andrew Ridgeley can finally go through with his plans for a comeback.

Pop star George Michael died on Christmas Day at age 53. Which means he outlived his career by 20 years.

Californians could be voting on a resolution to leave the U.S. in 2018. Which would be good news for fans of the Toronto Blue Jays who wouldn’t feel so lonely then becoming one of six foreign teams in Major League baseball.

Californians could be voting on a resolution to leave the U.S. in 2018. That would make for the political split, which will be followed by the inevitable physical break once the San Andreas Fault knocks the entire state into the Pacific.

Passengers on a Virgin Airlines flight suddenly became ill after cheese sandwiches that “smelled like old socks” were served. Which was interesting to see fliers on an airline called “Virgin” showing signs of morning sickness.

Passengers on a Virgin Airlines flight suddenly became ill after cheese sandwiches that “smelled like old socks” were served. The real problem was the confusion caused by the smell of old socks making fliers think they had gotten on a flight with Southwest.

Donald Trump has chosen aide Stephen Miller to write his Inaugural Address. People were surprised. They thought he would just continue his usual way of communicating by standing at the podium while texting out tweets.

Berlin is reportedly planning a Ministry of Truth to combat fake news on social media. The only question is didn’t the same thing pretty much happen in Germany right before the start of World War II?

An Israeli minister has approved a law against incitement over the Web. Which would pretty much take away the number one reason most people log in every morning in the first place.

A California driver is fighting charges of Driving Under the Influence of drugs when all he had in his system was caffeine. Which is a landmark case as can you imagine how dangerous California roads would be with drivers who couldn’t have their morning caffeine?

A Frenchman set a world’s record by sailing around the world single handed in 49 days. Apparently he figured it would be a lot faster, easier and cheaper than trying to book the same trip on United Airlines.

A church in Sri Lanka accidentally printed lyrics of “Hail Mary” by rapper Tupac Shakur in their hymnal. The worst part is that Kanye West was mad they didn’t replace the name of the Lord each time instead with “Yeezus.”

A Palestinian minister, after being duped by a fake news report threatened nuclear war with Israel. It was the first time in the past year that the threat of nuclear war was caused by something other than a tweet from Donald Trump.

A report says ice rinks around the country are fighting high energy bills to stay open for business. The only rink that is surviving on low energy is the one where the fans try to stay awake attempting to cheer on the Arizona Coyotes.

A report says ice rinks around the country are fighting high energy bills to stay open for business. Not to say global warming is getting worse, but for the first time ever air conditioning has become standard equipment on the latest model Zamboni.

NBA players will see their salaries go up 61% in the next four years with the latest CBA deal with owners. The players justified the raises with increased TV revenue, more sales of merchandise and higher court judgments in child support cases.

A group says the best strategy to contact space aliens is with simple etiquette and saying “hello.” And as aliens that they might want to avoid arriving to our planet after Donald Trump moves back out of the White House.

The CEO of Lockheed Martin has committed to driving down the cost of F-35 fighter planes as suggested by Donald Trump. Mostly because the defense contractor feels that what they lose on the price of each plane they will make up in volume with the three wars Trump will be starting.

Several members of Congress are calling for the end of labeling soy, almond and rice milk products as “milk.” The same legislators are also calling for a congressional investigation into what exactly a “Zagnut” bar is even supposed to be.

Several members of Congress are calling for the end of labeling soy, almond and rice milk products as “milk.” This being the Holiday Season, they are also demanding that fruitcake stop being described as “fruit” or “cake.”

The University of Wisconsin is offering a course on the “problem of whiteness.” Which in Wisconsin has less to do with race issues than having a pasty skin tone and not being able to be found until the spring melt after getting lost in a snowstorm.

The University of Wisconsin is offering a course on the “problem of whiteness.” The program will be an elective and is being met with great anticipation by the three minority students currently enrolled at the University of Wisconsin.

A cancer patient won a year’s free pizza in a raffle in Pennsylvania. Which is good news for the winner who no longer has to worry about their cancer now that they will be dead in the next year from heart disease, diabetes or morbid obesity.

A survey says the healthiest state is Hawaii with the least healthy are Oklahoma, Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana and Mississippi. Which coincidentally are also the same positions on the survey of states where people would most prefer to live.

A study says caring for grandchildren is linked to a longer life for caregivers. Mostly for the grandparents who have a strong will to live knowing that otherwise the kids will end up back in the care of their Millennial parents.

A study says caring for grandchildren is linked to a longer life for caregivers. Which is good news for the grandparents who saw years get cut from their life when they found out their kids were sending in audition tapes to try out for “Teen Mom.”

A report says blood banks are short on supply not only because that is usually the case during the holidays but because of new testing procedures. The only time there is less blood available is on April 15th when the IRS is through with all the taxpayers.

Scientists say the death rate spikes around the Christmas season. The reasons are the cold weather, increased alcohol intake with a poor diet and mostly from going out and braving trying to shop on Black Friday.

Doctors say that a longer antibiotics treatment is better for kids with hearing problems. And making sure the hearing problem isn’t caused by the kids putting the antibiotics pills in their ears.

Kylie Jenner has released a steamy short film with her boyfriend Tyga. Apparently she is working up to the point where she is ready to put out the usual full length sex tape.

A&E has puled a reality series featuring the KKK after learning producers made cash payments to some of the participants in the hate group. Which means A&E is OK with a show featuring racists just as long as it doesn’t feature something really unethical like payola.

A&E has puled a reality series featuring the KKK after learning producers made cash payments to some of the participants in the hate group. That and because there might be a copyright violation with people thinking a show featuring white supremacists is just a remake of “Duck Dynasty.”

Former NBA coach George Karl says the league has a problem with PEDs. Which cause league officials to breathe a sigh of relief as they were just glad he didn’t touch on their problems with guns, assault and marijuana.

Former NBA coach George Karl says the league has a problem with PEDs. To which a players’ representative said that was ridiculous. The absolute proof is that the first symptom of using steroids is a loss of fertility.

A new “Grush” toothbrush combines brushing teeth with interactive games. Which is fine as long as the kids don’t use it to play Candy Crush where even the idea of being around that much sugar makes their teeth fall out.

A new “Grush” toothbrush combines brushing teeth with interactive games. Now all they need is a device that combines with gaming to get kids to do their homework, get off the couch once in awhile and eat something besides junk food.

Scientists say that Japanese and Russian species of snails have evolved to where they use their shells to defend against predators. It’s just too bad that evolution didn’t just make it so that they could move faster than three feet an hour.

A congressional report says that strong encryption is essential to support the digital economy. Also so that members of Congress can protect themselves from what happened to Anthony Weiner.

Nine managers with Whole Foods say they were fired for whistleblowing. Which brought no sympathy from their customers who say they should have instead been fired for gouging them with their ridiculously high prices.

A report says Alaska has the highest average credit card debt in the country. Mostly because they only get one month in the summer to catch up on how much they owe before it’s time for the heating bill season to start again.

Hillary Clinton touted the popular vote count in a year-end thank you message to supporters. Which seemed gracious enough until she ended it with a middle finger emoji to the voters in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.

Hillary Clinton touted the popular vote count in a year-end thank you message to supporters. She also took credit for getting into the ring to fight the bull only to end up getting “Gore-d.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest says President Obama is not being given credit for being the “most transparent” President ever. Which most people think that title won't last long considering how easy it is to see right through Donald Trump.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told incoming Press Secretary Sean Spicer to make sure he knows “where Trump’s head is at.” Most people think that should be no problem as they have known for years exactly where Trump’s head has been stuck.

Rumors are that a split is imminent between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Which is sad for Kanye around Christmas knowing that bad news is happening right at the time people around the world are celebrating his birth.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. I sure did as I was surrounded by friends, family and loved ones. Meaning I had the day off from work. Even though I have a couple more days to go before returning to the office, I am still taking the time to fire off the jokes here. Consider it my late gift to all of you. If you want to reciprocate, all you have to do is remember to keep on always sending the love!



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