Friday, December 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Hillary Clinton supporter was thrown off a JetBlue plane after reportedly yelling at fellow passenger Ivanka Trump. People were shocked. What was Ivanka Trump doing flying JetBlue?

Donald Trump has named campaign manager Kellyanne Conway as presidential counselor. Many people were excited about the news as they have felt for years that Trump needs some kind of counseling.

Donald Trump has named Sean Spicer as the new White House Press Secretary. His responsibilities will be working with the media, answering questions about policy and mostly downplaying all the rants Trump sends out over Twitter.

Colo, the world’s oldest gorilla has turned 60 at the Columbus Zoo. The reasons the gorilla has lived so long are because of good health care, a proper diet and learning “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot.”

A study says addiction to social media can cause depression. Mostly for the people who realize they missed the holidays because they spent 18 hours of Christmas looking at what their friends ate for Christmas dinner along with videos of their cats playing with discarded wrapping paper.

An Artificial Intelligence expert says people should accept that people will marry robots by 2050. The only problem will be consoling the robots who will be sobbing after dating for seven years that “He has commitment issues.”

An Artificial Intelligence expert says people should accept that people will marry robots by 2050. While some men think the idea is far fetched, others are just looking forward to at least having a date by then for the latest episode of “Star Wars.”

A rainstorm delayed more than 200 flights at LAX earlier this week. To which most people in Los Angeles were asking “What’s rain?”

A rainstorm delayed more than 200 flights at LAX earlier this week. Apparently more than four drops of rain fell which officially classified the event as a Biblically cataclysmic alluvial disaster.

A rainstorm delayed more than 200 flights at LAX earlier this week. Even United Airlines was saying “Canceled flights because of rain? Are you serious?”

The birthrate in California dropped to its lowest level ever this year. Mostly because the cost of living forced people into a choice of what they want from life, which is “Home, car, kid. Pick any two.”

Vladimir Putin says that Russia’s military is the “strongest on Earth.” Which renewed his usual friendly bet with Donald Trump for one dollar, this time on which country comes out on top when they start World War III.

Prince Charles is warning of a return to the “dark days of the 1930s.” To which most people are saying that sounds pretty good compared to what we have been dealing with since 2007.

Prince Charles is warning of a return to the “dark days of the 1930s.” Which is what you get from someone who has been waiting 68 years to get his first job.

Princeton has canceled its men’s swim team season because of some vulgar messages. Which is fine for the other students who think the University pool should be used as intended. For lying around while getting a tan and drinking Margaritas.

The new video game “Super Mario Run” has shattered the iOS download record, already hitting the 50 Million mark. Which means drivers on the road will have a new game also, avoiding being hit by one of the 50 Million people driving while playing Super Mario Run.

A Florida woman was jailed after giving her baby a bottle that contained ecstasy. Police knew that something was suspicious when the woman and her baby kept fighting over the same pacifier.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte called the U.N. human rights chief an “idiot.” Donald Trump immediately stepped in and demanded a retraction and apology. Not for the name calling but because last August he trademarked the word “idiot.”

The temperature at the North Pole has climbed up much warmer than normal, nearly to the melting point leading up to Christmas. Not to say it’s getting warm, but this holiday Santa is asking children to skip the cookies and milk and just leave him a six pack of Bud.

The temperature at the North Pole has been much warmer than normal, nearly to the melting point leading up to Christmas. It’s so hot that Santa has disconnected the battery from Rudolph’s nose and hooked it back up to his sleigh’s A/C.

Hundreds of flights were delayed or canceled out of LAX because of bad weather causing gridlock conditions. It was the first time ever that people were backed up more at the airport than on the freeway getting there.

Queen Elizabeth II left Buckingham Palace for the Christmas holiday. She is taking a much needed break from whatever it is she actually does the rest of the year.

Uber is moving its self-driving car program from San Francisco to Phoenix. There isn’t much difference as traffic moves at 10 mph in San Francisco because of gridlock and at the same pace in Phoenix because no one is younger than 80.

Uber is moving its self-driving car program from San Francisco to Phoenix. Their vehicles are built to blend right in by using golf carts with the left blinker always flashing.

A report says Goldman Sachs accounts for 24% of the Trump stock rally. Which is seen mostly as a nice gesture before they manage to deregulate the industry and crash the market just like 2007.

Pokemon Go is being made available for the Apple Watch. Tech experts were excited by the news. They are now busy guessing which one will become totally obsolete first.

A judge is warning owners of VW diesel cars not to strip them before turning them in for a buyback. Except for the people who live in Detroit who have seen them already get stripped three times since October.

A report says the gap between the haves and have-nots has gotten even wider. You know things are getting bad when a billionaire has to work for months just to get hired for a job that comes along with a salary cut to $400,000 a year.

Oprah Winfrey has reportedly lost 40 pounds on Weight Watcher. Not from following their guidelines but from worrying about what people gorging for the holidays will do to her $77 Million in company stock.

The FDA is telling the cosmetics industry to limit the lead levels in lipstick and other makeup products. Mostly because they figure they have a chance at getting some better results there than they did trying to get it out of the water in Flint, Michigan.

A report says serious yoga injuries are on the rise. Mostly for the men who make the mistake of wearing their yoga pants into the gym locker room.

A study says testing a person’s ability to process sound after a head injury may be a way to diagnose concussions. Especially when the person being tested keeps asking if someone could answer the phone.

Donald Trump has added the Rockettes to his Inauguration Day lineup. They will join an “America’s Got Talent” runner-up and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Which pretty much is the show business equivalent of the choices he has made so far for his Cabinet.

Supermodel Janice Dickinson says seeing Kim Kardashian on the cover of Vogue magazine made her “want to vomit.” Which just means she saw the magazine cover while she was getting ready to go to lunch.

An Alabama woman says she was surprised to find out her Secret Santa was Snoop Dogg. Although it turns out he didn’t actually give her a present. He just handed her a package and asked if she could hold it awhile.

Some never before seen pictures of Kim Kardashian were recently released. To which everyone is saying “If you have seen three million, you have seen them all.”

Some never before seen pictures of Kim Kardashian were recently released. Which was a big surprise to many people who had never seen any photos of here where she was actually wearing any clothes.

The American Legion in Minnesota is requiring ballplayers to show “proper respect” for the National Anthem or not being allowed to play. Once they show they can behave in a civil manner they will then be allowed in the lineup where they can scratch themselves and spit as much as they want through the entire game.

A study has revealed what makes the Stradivarius violins sound so much better than others. Apparently it has something to do with the violins only ever being played by performers who are good enough to make as much money as it takes to buy one.

A report says the total value of all Bitcoins is now $19 Billion. Which is great news for the people who have some, once they can actually find a business that accepts Bitcoins.

Samsung’s rumored Galaxy A3 smartphone is reportedly closer to reality. The company just needs to do a little more testing to make sure it doesn’t get on the market until it is completely ready to explode.

A report says Edward Snowden has been linked to Russian spy agencies since he fled to Moscow three years ago. If it turns out he can be connected to Russian spies, he could face extradition to the U.S. and be sentenced to as much as four years on Donald Trump’s Cabinet.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t want any “A” list celebrities at his Inauguration ceremonies. In fact, the only way to get an invitation is to be low enough on the list to have been a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Donald Trump says he doesn’t want any “A” list celebrities at his Inauguration ceremonies. Which is probably not a problem for someone whose idea of a top celebrity to appear at the Republican National Convention was Scott Baio.

Donald Trump sent out a tweet saying the U.S. should expand its nuclear capability. Although who needs an arsenal of nuclear weapons to start a war when we have Donald Trump on Twitter?

Donald Trump sent out a tweet saying the U.S. should expand its nuclear capability. Mostly because with only 7,000 nuclear weapons now, what happens if we launch them all on the rest of the world and three or four turn out to be duds?

Jimmy Carter is the only former President who has confirmed he will attend Donald Trump’s Inauguration ceremonies. Apparently he is excited about the prospect of moving up another notch on the “Worst Presidents of All Time” list.

Joe Biden says Hillary Clinton never was able to figure out why she was running for President. If that’s the case, they might want to make that a required question to answer say during the next nominating convention.

Joe Biden says Hillary Clinton never was able to figure out why she was running for President. Although if it was to spend a billion dollars to travel around the country and end up losing to the biggest underdog in American history, mission accomplished.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is only two days away and I want to wish you all the best for the holiday weekend. I will be staying put but will not issue a blog for next Monday in the name of world peace. Hopefully Donald Trump will not send out any tweets that day for the same reason. I will be back with the jokes on Tuesday. My jokes are my gift to you every day. Like those coupons you see, cash value 1/20th of a cent. That does add up. You can reciprocate every time you remember to take the time to always keep on sending the love!


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