Thursday, December 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Los Angeles International Airport was evacuated when unattended bags were found in one of the terminals. It turns out it was just some luggage from a United flight that took off three weeks ago the airline hadn’t quite got around to loading yet.

A report says dog treats laced with cannabis are doing a big business. Is there really any need for a product that makes dogs lie around all day and even eat more?

China’s smoggiest city has closed down schools because of high pollution levels. Which means if that goes on another three or four years, U.S. students will actually be able catch up with them and have a chance at being accepted into our colleges.

Italy is set to bail out the world’s oldest bank. Not to say the bank has gotten a little bit behind, but just recently had to repossess three chariots and foreclose on a bathhouse.

A report says a mysterious military flyover in Manhattan was a rescue exercise to extract Donald Trump during an emergency or attack. Or more than likely, if he has to relocate in case Trump Tower goes into bankruptcy proceedings.

A study says red meat is actually good for a person’s blood pressure. Especially for people who have been put on a diet and feel their veins constricting when they hear the words “It’s broccoli again!”

A breathalyzer test can reportedly detect 17 diseases. Mostly when the person giving the test can pick up the odor of alcohol, cigarettes or pizza and French fries.

Donald Trump praised the electoral college, which allowed him to win the presidency even though he ended up with fewer votes. Which is almost the same as the way he became a billionaire even after declaring bankruptcy four times.

Donald Trump’s supporters say that their candidate ended up with 3 Million more votes than Hillary Clinton in states other than New York and California. Which is like a golfer saying he would have won the U.S. Open if they took away the 4th, 12th and 17th holes.

A soldier was denied a hotel room in Florida because he wasn’t 21 years old yet. The good news is that he was young enough to at least qualify for the hotel’s “kids eat for free” package.

A women’s soccer player is suing UCONN after her scholarship was taken away for flipping off a camera following a win. Apparently the college decided to red card her for illegal use of hands.

The Woodstock concert festival site has been nominated for historic landmark status. Mostly because the concert organizers just managed to fill out the paperwork after finally coming down from the high they have been on since 1969.

Donald Trump says he would have won the popular vote if he needed to by campaigning differently. Which he intends to do in 2020 by ordering the secession of California and New York.

Goldman Sachs has been ordered to pay $120 Million over charges of manipulation. It would have been a fine of $350 Million but they convinced the court to lower the payment when they told them what a great job they had been doing.

An Irish man reportedly flew to Spain in order to buy a hard to find Hatchimal toy for his son for Christmas. That ought to put to rest those rumors about the Irish still sometimes tending to drink a bit too much.

The most popular home on real estate site Trulia this year was a 196 square foot home in Oregon selling for $37,500. Mostly by Millennials who were intrigued by the idea of actually being able to move into a place to live that was above ground.

A former New York pension executive is facing charges of moving around $2 Billion in funds in exchange for bribes like cocaine, hookers and concert tickets. He faces hard time for taking money from the pensioners who dreamed of a retirement full of cocaine, hookers and concert tickets.

A report says there were 455 scripted TV series this year on broadcast, cable and streaming services. Although that may be amended to 454 when they realize no one has ever actually been credited for writing a script for “Two Broke Girls.”

A report says there were 455 scripted TV series this year on broadcast, cable and streaming services. Although it’s a bit of a stretch to call “The Kardashians” a scripted show when every episode is pretty much Kim and her sisters taking turns disrobing in front of a camera.

 A report says most Americans prefer shopping at real stores. Mostly because while going online is convenient, there is nothing like brick and mortar stores when there are expensive items that can only be obtained by old fashioned shoplifting.

A report says young Americans living with their parents is at a 75 year high. The worst part for the parents who thought when they reached age 75 they would finally have the house to themselves.

Donald Trump’s family says they are “not involved” with a fundraiser that promised access to Trump for a donation of $1 Million, even though his sons were listed as directors. Mostly because if the Trumps were truly involved the initial asking price would have been a lot higher.

Pot has been legalized in Maine after a recount shows a ballot measure there won. The recount was obviously requested by the opposition, otherwise the final tally wouldn’t have been finished for another six years.

A report says the melanoma rate in the U.S. is increasing. The worst part is that for it to happen, the rest of us have to be subjected to pasty, fat people parading around on the beach wearing next to nothing.

A study says top athletes are more at risk to suffer low sleep quality. Which now may explain why Ryan Lochte was running around in the middle of the night in Rio looking for a gas station where he could pee.

The rate of people with health insurance in the U.S. has reached an all-time high because of Obamacare. Apparently it has something to do with people wanting to know what it’s like to be insured at least until January 21st before Congress and Donald Trump take it away again.

The Senate is aiming to stop firms from buying up drugs and jacking up the prices for consumers. Who knew that American companies would one day take their business model from street corner dealers?

John Mayer says he is no longer an “A” list celebrity. People were surprised. Who is John Mayer?

John Mayer says he is no longer an “A” list celebrity. Apparently he was removed the day he stopped showing up at events on the arms of Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Jennifer Aniston.

A report says Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott are in debt for $200,000. Most Americans were jealous at the news. They wished they had enough money so they could end up $200,000 in debt.

A report says Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott are in debt for $200,000. It’s their way of being patriotic and supporting their country that is now $20 Trillion in the red.

A report says Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott are in debt for $200,000. We know one thing. At least they didn’t go that deep into the red borrowing money to take acting lessons.

NBA owners have unanimously approved the new Collective Bargaining Agreement. That means there will be no labor disputes for six years, more stability in the sport and most importantly any time the owners unanimously agree on anything the players better go back and read all the fine print again.

Jon Gruden on rumors he is coming back to coach the Rams says he has “no intention of coaching.” Which he could still stick to if he decided to instead take over the top position with the Cleveland Browns.

AT&T is offering free spam call blocking. Meaning that the company will treat spam like any other calls to customers that are usually lost, dropped or can’t be completed.

Broadband has now been designated as a basic service in Canada that all residents are entitled to receive. Which is the same in the U.S. where all residents are also entitled to broadband. Just as long as they don’t sign up with AT&T, Comcast or AOL.

Samsung is launching a new class of TV called QLED for “Quantum LED.” Which means that unlike their Galaxy Note 7 phone and washing machines, the entire family can enjoy watching together while it explodes right in the living room.

“The Emoji Movie” is set to arrive in theaters next year. So far reviewers are torn between giving it a rating of “tears,” “middle finger” or “gun to the head.”

Alibaba has been put on the list of global marketplaces that sell counterfeit goods. It’s getting so bad that some items marked as genuine IKEA furniture were obviously fake as they could be assembled in less than three days.

France has started an experiment where some mail is being delivered by drone. Which is much more convenient for residents who can now just send hate mail for quick delivery to their neighbors when they are too drunk to stand on their porch and yell at them in person.

The new movie “Passengers” is about a spaceship that takes 120 years to travel to a new planet. The actors were able to practice for their roles before filming began by booking several flights with United Airlines.

Google is being sued by an employee for a confidentiality policy that “muzzles” the staff. The worst part was when workers googled the policy to see if it was legal and the top response was “We know what you are doing.”

Donald Trump’s doctor says about his most famous patient “If something happens to him, it happens to him.” Which makes sense that Trump chose him as his personal physician as that is pretty much the same line of thinking he used in developing his foreign policy.

Donald Trump’s doctor says about his most famous patient “If something happens to him, it happens to him.” Which is good in at least it takes away any need of ever getting a second opinion.

Donald Trump’s doctor says about his patient “If something happens to him, it happens to him” and that’s why we have a vice president and line of succession of people who “can just keep dying.” Which means he is now the top candidate to help develop Trump’s plan to replace Obamacare.

GQ has announced its “Least Influential List” for 2016 which has Hillary Clinton at the top. That isn’t true. She managed to influence enough people to change their minds and pick someone else as President in an election she had no chance of losing.

GQ has announced its “Least Influential List” for 2016 which has Hillary Clinton at the top. That isn’t quite right. She is more at the top of the list for making the most Democrats spend the next four years being under the influence.

A report says Donald Trump likes to appoint people who “look the part.” Fortunately for him, the American voting public doesn’t hold themselves to the same standard when they are choosing a President.

A report says Donald Trump likes to appoint people who “look the part.” Which means the next Secretary of Defense could be the guy from the General Car Insurance commercials.

A Domino’s pizza restaurant in Columbus blew up when a gas line ruptured. The good news is that all the damage will be covered by the fire department that was unable to put out all the flames within 30 minutes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only three shopping days until Christmas. That means just three more days until everyone stops telling us how much time we have to shop for Christmas. I am done shopping. I haven’t finished buying everything yet, I am just done. Thank goodness the Christmas season only lasts 11 months out of the year or I would really go bonkers. One thing that keeps me sane is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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