Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

At least 29 people were killed and dozens injured in a blast at a fireworks market near Mexico City. The victims’ last words were reportedly “Ooooh! Aaaaaah!”

An Uber rider in Philadelphia received a bill for $28,000 for one ride. Apparently he wasn’t aware he was being driven around in a disposable Prius.

Greek anarchists forced food recalls following threats of contamination. The same tactics would never work in the UK as no one would be able to ever tell which food had been poisoned.

A postal worker in Georgia has been charged with dumping 4,500 pieces of mail in the woods. When the residents heard what happened to all the mail they were missing, they all screamed “Newman!”

Singer Richard Marx helped subdue a deranged passenger on a plane flight. Marx didn’t react when the man became combative and attacked the flight crew, but he had to get involved when he tried to muss up the Greatest Hair in Rock and Roll.

Snow fell on the Sahara Desert for the first time in 37 years this week. Which allowed researchers in Libya to finally test that theory about a snowball’s chance in Hell.

A study says kids connecting through social media are less satisfied with their real life. To which the parents of the kids who use Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat 18 hours a day are saying “What life?”

Prince Harry says young people should spend less time on their smartphones to improve their mental health. Especially the ones who keep following him around to parties to get more photos of him running around naked.

Prince Harry says young people should spend less time on their smartphones to improve their mental health. To show he is serious, he has let go his assistant smartphone carrier, Royal phone dialer and text message typist.

Experts predict that sex between married couples in the future will be reserved for special occasions, with robots taking care of everyday needs. To which most married men are saying that other than the robots, they already pretty much have that now.

A study says that gargling with Listerine can prevent the gonorrhea bacteria. Which finally explains how Monica Lewinsky never caught an STD during her time with Bill Clinton.

Germany is considering fining Facebook $500,000 every time it posts fake news. Because it’s not like Germany has ever had a history with spreading some sort of political propaganda.

Germany is considering fining Facebook $500,000 every time it posts fake news. To which Fox News, the New York Times and CNN are asking their accountants if they could use that as a tax write off.

Two former emergency managers of Flint, Michigan have been charged over the city’s lead-tainted water. Apparently their job title of “emergency manager” didn’t mean they were supposed to manage to turn the city into a complete emergency.

The University of Washington is hosting a homeless camp for the next three months. Which is otherwise known as students waiting in line for the distribution of next year’s football tickets.

The University of Washington is hosting a homeless camp for the next three months. Which is a nice way to take care of their graduate students while they keep hoping to actually find a job someday.

The University of Washington is hosting a homeless camp for the next three months. Otherwise known as affordable housing for the students enrolled at Washington State.

A group is criticizing Donald Trump for the lack of Hispanics on his Cabinet. To which Trump defended his choices, saying he would have had to replace any Hispanics he picked just as soon as he completed the Wall.

Children in Venezuela are acclimating themselves in the bad economy to the idea of a meager, bankrupt Santa Claus. What’s worse is when they realize where their parents got the venison meat for this year’s Christmas dinner.

Mark Zuckerberg has debuted an AI assistant for the home which is voiced by Morgan Freeman. The only problem is when the freezer door is opened, it keeps playing the theme music from “March of the Penguins.”

The Justice Department has approved the acquisition of Carmike Cinemas by AMC. Apparently the DOJ got involved in case the theaters decide to take part in any criminal activity, like charging people $8 to watch an Adam Sandler movie.

The Census Department says the U.S. grew at the slowest rate since the Great Depression. To which Millennials are saying “You mean there was another one?”

The Census Department says the U.S. grew at the slowest rate since the Great Depression. It is being blamed on a lower birth rate, new immigration rules and all the people heading for Canada following the November elections.

Ford says it will start importing SUVs into the U.S. that were made in India. The cars are identifiable by the cow catcher in the front and the fact that they are able to seat a family of 27.

A study by food makers challenges recommendations by public health officials for people to cut back on their sugar intake. The study is thorough, complete and would be accepted until anyone actually looks at the size of the average American.

A study by food makers challenges recommendations by public health officials for people to cut back on their sugar intake. The study says the health officials should start out telling people to cut back fat and salt first and see where that goes.

26 states have received poor grades for their preparedness for health emergencies and disasters. The state with the highest score was Alabama where health emergencies and disasters are officially classified as “Tuesday.”

A report says healthy foods are not as expensive as people think. To which most Americans are saying they were surprised at the news, and one day may actually try to find that out for themselves.

A report says Alec Baldwin is paid $1,400 each time he plays Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live.” Mostly because they want him to stay in character and know that $1,400 a week in New York City will put most people into bankruptcy court.

Dick Van Dyke is set to appear in Disney’s upcoming sequel to “Mary Poppins.” It took so long between films because Disney thought he would need at least 53 years to fix that Cockney accent he used in the original.

Tom Arnold says he has a copy of the Donald Trump outtake tape which includes a racist rant from “The Apprentice.” Which most supporters don’t care about since it is still more tame than what he puts out every day on his Twitter account.

Tom Arnold says he has a copy of the Donald Trump outtake tape which includes a racist rant from “The Apprentice.” Arnold hasn’t heard anyone go that ballistic since the people who paid $8 to see his movie “The Stupids.”

Jill Duggar is reportedly expecting her second child. Which in the Duggar family is still considered pretty much of a dress rehearsal.

Sylvester Stallone says he would turn down a post at the National Endowment of the Arts if Donald Trump offered it to him. Mostly because he knows it would consist of commissioning the painting of 6,000 portraits in various poses of Donald Trump.

 Rob Kardashian promised his daughter on an Instagram post that he would “get better” for her. To which most people were asking “At what?”

Houston Texans rookie K.J. Dillon got stuck with paying the dinner bill for teammates that came out to more than $16,000. Although he says it’s better than if he was on the Bengals and was responsible for posting the team’s weekly bail.

A survey says half of all Americans are OK with the idea of a universal basic income for people losing jobs to robots in the tech field. Mostly because it will then be a matter of time before the same thing happens to manufacturing, professionals, blue collar, white collar…

Tech giants are pledging to keep children out of cobalt mines for the making of batteries for smartphones and electric cars. Instead, the children will be working in the factories making shoes for all the adults laboring in the cobalt mines.

The White House says Artificial Intelligence will grow the economy although lots of jobs will be lost on the way. But at least Americans will be able to find work until robots are trained to sort out shelves of Slim Jims and clean the Slurpee machine.

A report says more than half of all people who get paid vacation time at work won’t use all their days. Mostly because they can’t find the time to take off the other five jobs they have to work to make ends meet.

BlackBerry is ditching its smartphone business to focus on software that will run autonomous cars. Which were made necessary in the first place because of all the people crashing their cars while texting behind the wheel on their BlackBerrys.

7-Eleven says it has made several successful deliveries to select customers using drones. The only problem is they can’t deliver their hot dogs as that means the drones have to be registered as aerial weapons of biological warfare.

7-Eleven says it has made several successful deliveries to select customers using drones. Which is interesting, as the high tech drones will deliver the same hot dogs that were originally brought to the local 7-Eleven stores by stagecoach.

Facebook says it will invest $20 Million to fund new housing because of the lack of affordability in Silicon Valley. Which in the Silicon Valley, $20 Million will pay for three starter homes, two tent sites and a lean-to.

President Obama signed a measure to permanently ban oil drilling in parts of the Atlantic and Arctic waters. Which in this case, “permanently” means forever or until Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day of January 20th, whichever comes first.

A historian says Donald Trump’s cabinet is the richest ever. They are so wealthy, the Treasury Department will be working overtime just to make enough $100 bills to be used to light all the cigars for just the first year’s Cabinet meetings.

A poll says Democrats are more likely to say their party failed to address the concerns of a number of groups. Mostly the groups of people who went out to vote on Election Day.

Hillary Clinton won the final popular vote count for President by 2.8 Million votes. Apparently she had no idea that since Trump owns several golf courses around the world, he got to claim victory by ending up with the lower total.

A survey says most people who didn’t vote in the November election don’t regret it. Mostly because for the next four years they can say “I had nothing to do with it!”

A survey says most people who didn’t vote in the November election don’t regret it. Mostly because either they supported Donald Trump and he won anyway or they were for Hillary Clinton and still lost with 2.8 Million more votes.

A survey says half of all voters think that Donald Trump made Santa’s “naughty” list. Especially when he sent Santa the bill for roof damage from reindeer hooves for half the property in New York City owned by his company.

A survey says half of all voters think that Donald Trump made Santa’s “naughty” list. And that’s even before what will happen when the climate denier heading the EPA speeds up global warming and turns his North Pole headquarters into a slushee.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is now only four days away. Although because of climate change it may have to be pushed back to the third week of January because that will be the only time we will actually be cold enough to have a chance at any snow south of the Arctic. All I know is that climate change or not, I get a nice warm feeling when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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