Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says lonely men are more likely to have sex with robots. Mostly because they feel it’s the least the robot can do for them after taking their job.

A study says lonely men are more likely to have sex with robots. In other words, that narrows it down to pretty much all men.

A study says lonely men are more likely to have sex with robots. Or as men call a machine that eliminates the need to pay for dinner and a movie and small talk to have sex, “the greatest invention in history.”

An Uber driver in Beverly Hills reportedly stabbed a passenger for “disrespecting” their car. Which will be a problem in Beverly Hills for anyone offering a ride in a car that isn’t a BMW, Mercedes or Porsche.

An Uber driver in Beverly Hills reportedly stabbed a passenger for “disrespecting” their car. Which is a Catch-22 as anyone who could afford something better than a Prius wouldn’t be driving for Uber in the first place.

A report says wearable fitness gadgets pose serious security and privacy risks. Although how much of a secret can it be for anyone who is morbidly obese that they aren’t getting a whole lot of physical activity in every day?

An airline in Pakistan has been mocked after reportedly sacrificing a goat on the tarmac for good luck after a recent crash. Although it turns out it wasn’t so much for luck as it was the plane’s inflight meal.

An airline in Pakistan has been mocked after reportedly sacrificing a goat on the tarmac for good luck after a recent crash. To which United says that is ridiculous. There is usually no reason to use anything larger than a chicken.

A report says some kids are turning violent as their parents battle what’s called their “digital heroin” addiction to devices. Which makes people long for the old days where kids only got violent after playing eight straight hours of “Grand Theft Auto.”

A report says some kids are turning violent as their parents battle what’s called their “digital heroin” addiction to devices. Although some parents are thankful they finally found a way to get them doing something other than watching TV all day.

The temperature in a town in Texas dropped 36 degrees in just ten minutes on Sunday. It was the biggest temperature drop other than that in the room at Hillary Clinton’s headquarters on election night when Donald Trump took the lead for good.

The NCAA is becoming concerned about a trend for top players to skip bowl games to avoid the risk of injury before the NFL draft. Mostly so they can make it to the pros and do the same thing every year for the Pro Bowl.

The NCAA is becoming concerned about a trend for top players to skip bowl games to avoid the risk of injury before the NFL draft. The teams want to keep up any absences for players confined to where they belong. In the classroom.

China has ordered roads and factories closed because of heavy smog. Which is sad for kids who can’t go outside to play even when they have been let out of their 18 hour shift at the Nike factory.

China has ordered roads and factories closed because of heavy smog that has prompted red alerts. And all this time people thought the “red” in “Red China” had something to do with communism.

A report says there has been an increase in the number of women using pot while pregnant. Mostly because they stay away from alcohol because that is what caused them to get pregnant in the first place.

Disney is expanding its alcohol options at Disney World. Mostly so parents can cope better while thinking how they just dropped $1,000 that day for their hotel room, park passes and souvenirs.

Seven people were rescued after being trapped inside a cave in Indiana for 39 hours. The good news is that it was the best time they ever had while they were in Indiana.

A survey says that Democratic women are most likely to block their social media friends over politics. Apparently they haven’t learned like everyone else it’s good to have online friends with opposing views to mock, humiliate and threaten.

GM is set to idle five U.S. plants to reduce inventory. People were surprised. GM still has five factories in the U.S.?

GM is set to idle five U.S. plants to reduce inventory. Which is great news for Donald Trump in that the jobs that are being laid off are staying right here in this country.

GM is set to idle five U.S. plants to reduce inventory. Which means the real problem with the auto industry isn’t outsourcing jobs, it’s getting people to buy American cars.

Fed Chair Janet Yellen told a group of college students that a college degree is more important than ever. Mostly so graduates can get a good paying job that will give them enough money to keep up with the inflation the Fed is about to inflict on us by raising the interest rates.

A McDonald’s in Missouri is bringing back all-you-can-eat fries. Although biologists are worried if that becomes a trend it could signal the start of the extinction of the potato.

A McDonald’s in Missouri is bringing back all-you-can-eat fries. To which McDonald’s customers are contending there is no such thing as “all-you-can-eat” when it comes to French fries.

A McDonald’s in Missouri is bringing back all-you-can-eat fries. The only catch is that customers taking part in the promotion are required to bring along their own defibrillator.

Fed Chair Janet Yellen told a group of college students that the U.S. job market is the strongest it has been in a decade. Mostly because it isn’t hard to do better than the 10% unemployment we had when the economy crashed ten years ago.

Fed Chair Janet Yellen told a group of college students that the U.S. job market is the strongest it has been in a decade. Which is mostly a result of Mexicans just not being able to run as fast as they used to.

The TSA made a video of the top ten weirdest items they found at airports last year which included dead seahorses and a prop corpse. The only problem is the 5,000 guns they missed while looking for seahorses and movie props.

The TSA made a video of the top ten weirdest items they found at airports last year which included dead seahorses and a prop corpse. Other than that it was just the usual 10 Million water bottles with more than three ounces of liquid they prevented from being used in terrorist attacks.

A study says women make better doctors than men. Mostly because women are still the minority in the medical field and they still need to rely on getting some return business.

A study says aging Baby Boomers are using pot and heavy alcohol more than any previous generations. Mostly when they hit the realization that they will spend their retirement years having their Millennial kids never moving out of their basement.

Dallas running back Ezekial Elliot celebrated a touchdown on Sunday by jumping into a large Salvation Army kettle. What do NFL players have in common with the kettles? They are both always getting their bells rung.

A survey says 1 in 5 teens are not seeking sexual or reproductive health care because they are afraid their parents will find out. Which has never been a problem for the Kardashians who have all let their parents in on what they are doing by releasing a sex tape before they reach 20.

A new Illinois law will require hairstylists to be trained to look for signs of domestic violence in their clients. The first sign is when their partner wants them to get the same haircut as Pete Rose, Miley Cyrus or Donald Trump.

A California company has won an FDA competition to create a cellphone app to prevent overdosing on heroin.  Apparently the app puts users in touch with dealers who will instead hook them up with pot, opioids and meth.

A study says using saunas can decrease the risk of developing dementia. Which is bad because the first thing most people want to do after using a sauna is forget the memory of having to sit around with a bunch of fat, naked old men.

A study says fudging the truth makes people like you less. Although apparently not enough to keep them from voting for those people for President.

Mick Jagger’s new son is named Devereaux Octavian Basil Jagger. Which may signal a new trend in celebrity baby names by including the name of a Roman emperor along with a popular herb but foregoing the name of any fruit.

An A&E documentary series will explore the modern KKK. Instead of wearing white sheets and burning wooden crosses, contemporary Klan members can now be found in more visible positions, like serving on the Cabinet of Donald Trump.

Amber Portwood says she is leaving “Teen Mom” because of “unfair treatment.” Although some might argue that it’s actually a pretty good opportunity to be made a TV star well into your 20s just for getting knocked up in high school.

England has ruled Jediism does not constitute a religion for charity purposes. Although it is still considered a huge act of charity when any woman agrees to be seen on a date with a man going into a theater to watch a “Star Wars” movie.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” called Arnold Schwarzenegger “terrifying” on the “New Celebrity Apprentice.” To which people are saying if she thinks that is scary, just wait until the old boss takes over in his new job.

An 11 year old English girl is set to debut an opera she wrote herself. Apparently she based the work on her only exposure to opera, which at 11 is pretty much a rendition of Elmer Fudd singing “Kill the Wabbit.”

An 11 year old English girl is set to debut an opera she wrote herself. The word is the performance isn’t over until the girl with cooties sings.

The owner of the NHL Florida Panthers has been named by Donald Trump to be the new Secretary of the Army. His background combining the military with ice skating may be a signal that Trump is planning to invade Finland, Norway or Sweden.

NASCAR has introduced a new logo, its first since 1976. It uses a different font and colors but is still small enough to leave room on the cars for any drivers to display their Confederate flag.

Soccer player Carlos Tevez has signed a contract with a team in China that will pay him $75 Million over two years. Which works out to about $25 Million for every goal that will be scored total in all the games he plays.

Soccer player Carlos Tevez has signed a contract with a team in China that will pay him $75 Million over two years. Not only that, his kids will be given jobs making the shoes he wears which will pay them over the same two years a total of 75 cents.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the company is still committed to making “great desktops.” Which is good news for the people under 30 who have no idea what else they could give to their grandparents for Christmas.

Blackberry says it will open a research and development center to program autonomous cars. Which at the rate Blackberry has stayed up with smartphone technology means they will be working on self-driving software for a 1993 Buick.

A survey says young workers would take a steady job over one with higher pay. Which may be hard to find considering all the jobs in the gig economy pretty much top out at minimum wage.

A poll says a majority of Americans are pessimistic or uncertain about a Donald Trump presidency. It’s just too bad those people didn’t have an opportunity to voice that opinion, say back on November 8th during that presidential election thing.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only five more shopping days until Christmas. Then after that there are just 30 more days of being able to go back to the mall to return all the hideous gifts that were put under the tree. I know that I never even think about taking it back when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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