Friday, December 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon took in 31% of the online spending over the Cyber Weekend. The other 69% went to telemarketers, international lottery scams and Nigerian princes.

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim says Americans should be more worried  than Mexicans about Donald Trump. Which is pretty stern coming from a billionaire who because of the devaluation of the peso made his statements from behind the wheel of the taxi he is now driving.

A Londoner became the first person in the world to have a takeout food order delivered by a robot. Which is not to be confused with the person who thought they were the first after stumbling onto some leftovers they found inside a trash can.

A Londoner became the first person in the world to have a takeout food order delivered by a robot. Which is amazing to think in this day and age of digital progress it took this long to rig up a remote control ShopVac that has a GPS.

A Londoner became the first person in the world to have a takeout food order delivered by a robot. The really amazing part was programming the drone that had to drop the robot off at the right house.

A Rhode Island man crashed his car while live streaming as he was driving 114 miles an hour. The video received 350 likes, mostly from the team of prosecuting attorneys.

An Oregon man posed for a mug shot with his pet parrot on his shoulder. Apparently he completely overreacted to being charged with Internet piracy.

An Oregon man posed for a mug shot with his pet parrot on his shoulder. While the man isn’t talking, his accomplice is reportedly singing like a canary.

A report says at least a fifth of the 2,500 stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame are in disrepair. What’s worse is that the same thing can be said for about three quarters of the people who have been honored.

A study says that women who have more sex have better memories. Mostly of the times when their husband didn’t fall asleep right after having sex.

 A study says that women who have more sex have better memories. Mostly remembering that they left their husbands after catching them having more sex with other people.

Psychologists say men spend so much time looking at Internet porn they have forgotten how to please real women. To which most of their wives say the way to please them is to keep looking at online porn and not bothering them for sex.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin was medically evacuated from the South Pole after becoming ill. Apparently he was on a trip to the Antarctic because when he was on the Moon he was there with Neil Armstrong and was looking for somewhere less crowded.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin was medically evacuated from the South Pole after becoming ill. At 86 years old, he was looking for a place to eat where the temperature was even lower than they keep it at all the restaurants in Florida.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin was medically evacuated from the South Pole after becoming ill with fluid in his lungs. Apparently no one had any idea that an 86 year old going to Antarctica might somehow develop a case of pneumonia.

Two Utah parents disarmed their son who brought guns to his school, shooting a round into the ceiling. Apparently it took them a while to realize that something was wrong when he went through his morning checklist of “books, lunch, ammunition…”

Prince Harry announced a scholarship to be trained in hospitality at Buckingham Palace. The only problem is explaining to applicants that when they get fired for spilling tea on the Queen, it’s tough to get another job without a head.

Prince Harry announced a scholarship to be trained in hospitality at Buckingham Palace. Which is great for anyone looking for a career as an 18th century domestic servant.

82 major cities are meeting this week to come up with ways to limit the worst effects of climate change. The most popular plan is to give all their residents free swimming lessons.

Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe says the Clintons are done with politics. Which is kind of sad to see the once powerful couple relegated to simply making speeches to Wall Street executives for $250,000 a pop.

A report says auto sales surged after the election. Mostly from people who wanted to buy their new car before Donald Trump brings all the jobs back to the U.S. and without the cheap Mexican labor the sticker prices quadruple.

Dollar General reported a surprising drop in sales. The sad part is that it’s mostly a result of people needing a little more time to save up enough dollar bills before they go out to do all their Christmas shopping.

Michael Bloomberg says he is optimistic at the start of a climate change summit. Although the last thing the people running the summit who are warning of the dangers of global warming want is someone with a sunny disposition.

Michael Bloomberg says he is optimistic at the start of a climate change summit. Mostly because as a billionaire he has no reason to be pessimistic about anything.

Barrow, Alaska at the northernmost point of the state now has a new name, Utqiagvik. Which is a result of someone trying to write the name “Barrow” with a pen when the temperature is 50 below zero.

The CEO of Levi’s is asking customers not to bring guns into their stores. Which wouldn’t be an issue except that it is still in style to wear jeans that have holes in them.

A report says 6 Million people who are buying cars with subprime loans are at least 90 days behind in their payments. Apparently nine years is long enough now for people to forget anything that could possibly go wrong with a bad idea.

A report says 6 Million people who are buying cars with subprime loans are at least 90 days behind in their payments. The irony is with the people who are living in their car because the subprime loan on their home was foreclosed back in 2011.

IRS data says the top 400 individual tax returns saw their income go up 20%. Which drew a sigh of relief when they found out they still came in just below the threshold of the point where they would actually have to start paying any taxes on it.

Princess Cruises has been fined $40 Million for dropping oily waste into the ocean. To which BP, after paying out $20 Billion for the Gulf Oil Spill says they are now going to rechristen all their drilling platforms as cruise liners.

Princess Cruises has been fined $40 Million for dropping oily waste into the ocean. And that was just the runoff from the afternoon Mexican lunch buffet table.

A study says testosterone therapy can increase the risk of health problems from blood clots. Not only that, but some people have found that it can also lead to a greater risk of making it to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Ireland is moving towards legalizing medicinal marijuana. Mostly because they found out it has the possibility of treating the country’s main health complaint. Hangovers.

Ireland is moving towards legalizing medicinal marijuana. Which is good news for people who are having trouble with their appetite and smoking enough pot may actually get them hungry enough to eat some Irish food.

A study in Hong Kong says a small delay in the time school starts can improve teen sleep and focus. Which is more important for kids in Hong Kong who find it easier to sit through the rest of their 15 hour school day.

A study in Hong Kong says a small delay in the time school starts can improve teen sleep and focus. Although the best method found to improve kids’ sleep in the U.S. is to let them bring their pillows to class.

A study says sunlight may reduce the risk of nearsightedness. In other words, someone spent a lot of money to find out that it’s harder to see in the dark.

A study says sunlight may reduce the risk of nearsightedness. The study also found out that people who stared directly at the Sun long enough did away with needing to go back to the eye doctor ever again.

A new study affirms the health benefits of taking a daily aspirin. Mostly the headache from reading medical studies about the benefits of taking a daily aspirin.

A study says Americans tend to exaggerate their food allergies. The results were a surprise. It’s hard by looking at Americans to see they have trouble eating any food.

“Masters of Sex” has been canceled after four seasons by Showtime. To which women are saying it figures that once again, a chance at being satisfied with something sexual ends prematurely.

The Rolling Stones’ new blues album took just three days to record. And most of that was just getting the car battery up to Keith Richards’ room to shock him back to life every morning.

Martin Scorsese had a private audience with Pope Francis I. It was the first private audience for any filmmaker unless you count the lone person that shows up for most screenings of any Adam Sandler films.

Martin Scorsese had a private audience with Pope Francis I. The meeting went well except for the part where the Pope gave him a penance of 25,000 Our Fathers and 50,000 Hail Marys for directing “The Last Temptation of Christ.”

The NFL says it will hire 17 full time officials. Apparently that means referees who will be assigned to actually watch what the players are doing past the first half.

GM says its new self-driving technology will stop a car if the driver is inattentive. Isn’t continuing to keep going while the driver is inattentive the whole point of having a self-driving car?

GM says its new self-driving technology will stop a car if the driver is inattentive. If they could just do that with every car, we wouldn’t see so many vehicles going head on into a tree because someone was texting behind the wheel.

An analyst says Twitter is the most important social platform right now. Which is true, especially with Donald Trump moving into the White House which will make it the medium that starts World War III.

Apple says it will take all old Apple watches for free recycling. Which makes disposing of the watches much easier, especially for the people who want to dispose of theirs but haven’t yet bothered taking it out of the package.

An Australian man brought police a mysterious round object he thought might have been a breast implant from a woman who was murdered. Police found it to be a jellyfish, which would have been a real surprise for the murder suspect when he went to cop a feel.

An Australian man brought police a mysterious round object he thought might have been a breast implant from a woman who was murdered. When it was found to actually be a jellyfish, a murder warrant was immediately issued for the arrest of SpongeBob SquarePants.

Researchers say the reason astronauts develop eye problems is from spinal fluid pushing against their eyeballs. The only other profession to suffer that is teachers who it turns out really do have eyes in the back of their heads.

A Tennessee representative has filed a constitutional amendment to do away with the electoral college. Or at the very least he says it should just turn the election over to Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania who are the ones who actually end up picking our President every four years.

Donald Trump is threatening “consequences” to any firms relocating offshore. Those consequences could be as severe as huge tax cuts, massive profits and government payoffs to come back.

The House has voted to ease banking regulations. Which is nice that they have now officially outsourced their duties, cut out the middleman and handed all their legislative work right over to the lobbyists.

The House has voted to ease banking regulations. It was a clear case of year end nostalgia where legislators wanted to take a trip back to the good old days, right before the last time they allowed the economy to crash.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says he will step down. Apparently after all these years of being paid an astronomical salary, he finally feels he has put away enough money to retire and be able to afford to buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks every day.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, and I am ready for it. Not much to add to that, just looking forward to all of you remembering to always keep on sending the love!

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