Friday, December 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Facebook is planning to use Snopes and fact checkers to combat false online news stories. To which the New York Times, Fox News and CNN are saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

A self-driving Uber car was spotted running a red light in San Francisco. Which simply means the company wants the experience to be exactly the same in the future as it is with Uber drivers.

A new automated restaurant in New York City has no cashier or servers. Although that is nothing new for diners who have ever tried to have dinner on a Saturday night at a TGI Friday’s.

A report lists Hawaii as the state with the healthiest people. Mostly because the people there get a lot of exercise and eat well because it’s so expensive to live there no one can afford a car or to ever go out to eat.

A Kentucky court has ruled a mentally incompetent man cannot seek a divorce. Which sounds like a real Catch-22 for anyone who can be ruled mentally incompetent for getting married in the first place. “(Zing!)

Scientists say they have reversed the aging process in some mammals and have been able to increase the life span of mice by 30%. Which brings up the question as to whether we really need to have mice living in our crawl spaces even longer?

A report says Sylvester Stallone could be asked by Donald Trump to head the National Endowment of the Arts. Which means the walls of the Smithsonian would pretty much start being filled up with portraits of Rocky, Rambo and Judge Dredd.

China has cracked down on thousands of websites for putting out what it considers harmful and obscene content. Apparently they want the Internet to just provide the basic information people need, like seeing what other people are eating for breakfast and unlimited cat videos.

China has cracked down on thousands of websites for putting out what it considers harmful and obscene content. Or as that is otherwise known in China, “Tuesday.”

The Army says some misconduct trends are increasing. Although the good news is that military misconduct like invading Middle Eastern countries just because they have oil has been dropping ever since 2003.

The U.S. military has completed an $11.2 Million facelift of a NATO army base in Estonia. As opposed to performing a facelift on Estonia itself which would consist of detonating $11.2 Million worth of bombs.

A report says that climate changed likely worsened several heat waves around the world last year. In fact, the only thing that added even more heat to the atmosphere was all the presidential election rhetoric.

Researchers say that hundreds of airline pilots are flying while depressed. Mostly since Southwest Airlines stopped serving Happy Hour drinks in the cockpit.

Japan has passed China as the largest holder of U.S. Treasury debt. To which the response from Chinese investors was “Suckers!”

Japan has passed China as the largest holder of U.S. Treasury debt. To which the U.S. is saying “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of that to go around for everyone!”

Japan has passed China as the largest holder of U.S. Treasury debt. The only problem for Americans is having to learn to convert their dollars not only into the yuan but now also the yen.

A report says the cold December could boost retail sales by $350 Million. Which may finally be the proof needed to show that global warming really is dragging down the economy.

DeVry University has agreed to pay $100 Million over claims it misled students. Which shows that running a school that defrauds students could result in huge fines and penalties. Or the college founder becoming President of the United States.

20 states are suing generic drug companies over allegations of price fixing. To which the companies are saying making “generic” drugs only means they change the name and put it in a plain container, not that they have to sell them any cheaper.

20 states are suing generic drug companies over allegations of price fixing. Having to make generic drug companies sell their products for less money is like having to go after the makers of penny candy for hiking the price up to $5.

Facebook is using algorithms, site users and journalists to put a stop to online fake news reports. At least that’s what the article that appeared on Facebook says they are doing.

Facebook is using algorithms, site users and journalists to put a stop to online fake news reports. A bigger problem is the number of people who think it’s a good idea to use Facebook for a news source in the first place.

A report says two thirds of American adults say fake news stories are causing confusion about facts and current events. Especially for the people who swear they saw news stories that say Donald Trump won the election.

Uber is adding a color coded system to help riders find their car. Which is different for most Uber passengers who are drunk who used to drive their own cars and the color code for their ride was the black and white vehicle with red flashing lights.

A California man who cheated customers out of $45 Million in a wine “Ponzi” scheme has been sentenced to more than six years in prison. The good news for the other inmates is that he reportedly makes a fantastic toilet Chianti.

Yahoo says it has been hacked again. Which for the hackers was pretty much like holding up a bank that just had its vault cleaned out ten minutes ago by some other robbers.

A study says that hearing loss in Americans younger than 70 is on the decline. To which all the Baby Boomers who grew up being told to turn down the stereo before they go deaf are saying “You were wrong, mom!”

A study says that shoe inserts don’t always help to prevent injuries. Especially when Tom Cruise gets vertigo and falls from the dizziness after piling enough lifts in his shoes to push him up to 5’ 10”.

Canada says it is planning to ban asbestos in 2018. Which is no big deal to have hazardous materials in a country that already pushes the limits with a diet of Canadian bacon, maple syrup and beer.

Drugmakers say they are planning to battle the opioid epidemic with a new type of drug that is profitable but unproven. Which is no big deal as drugmakers consider selling products that are profitable but unproven pretty much a business model.

A study says risky behavior declines with age. Mostly because people over 50 are more likely to spend the evening at home binge watching “Game of Thrones” rather than check out the latest season of “Jackass.”

Surgeons have started a program in Chicago to train bystanders to treat shooting victims at the scene. Which is coming a long ways from the days when it was hard to get an answer from people living in big cities when asking them for directions.

Surgeons have started a program in Chicago to train bystanders to treat shooting victims at the scene. Remember the old days when Boy Scouts were schooled in just being there to help old ladies cross the street?

A study says eating superfoods helps reduce stress more than eating comfort foods like ice cream and macaroni and cheese. Especially when it comes to the stress felt after eating the comfort foods and then standing on the bathroom scale.

The USDA is telling food companies they no longer need to put use-by labels on their products. Mostly because looking at most Americans, it is hard to imagine them letting any food sit on the shelf or in the refrigerator for more than just a few hours.

The USDA is telling food companies they no longer need to put use-by labels on their products. Instead of telling consumers when the food expires, they need to explain how eating all that packaged junk food will make them be the ones who expire.

Officials in China are planning to start classifying smog as a meteorological disaster. It’s considered the biggest meteorological disaster since The Weather Channel started airing reality shows.

Officials in China are planning to start classifying smog as a meteorological disaster. Which if true means those people were wrong all these years saying there is never any weather in Los Angeles.

Google says the most googled celebrity in 2016 was actress Meghan Markle. Mostly Internet trolls who figure if they keep searching the girlfriend of Prince Harry they are bound to stumble on some more naked Las Vegas royal party pictures.

The Olympic TV Channel is set to launch in the U.S. in 2017. It will be just like CBS in that it will give viewers a reason to tune in once every couple of years.

Major League Soccer says it is planning to expand to 28 teams in the near future. The idea behind the expansion is to have enough teams that will give the league a chance at scoring a season record total of 50 goals.

A lawsuit over age discrimination at Google is set for 2018. The only problem is that most the people who are working at Google now will have been let go by 2018 because they will be too old to work at Google anymore.

A study says that fake news stories are spread by 23% of Americans. No one had any idea that many people were working at Fox, CNN and Facebook.

A study says that fake news stories are spread by 23% of Americans. The other 77% just keep forwarding to their friends all the cat videos they spend their entire day watching online.

Donald Trump reportedly pledged to help Silicon Valley during a tech meeting. Mostly just in the fact that all the tech companies in Silicon Valley are run by billionaires who will make even more money from all his upper income tax cuts.

Donald Trump reportedly pledged to help Silicon Valley during a tech meeting. Which he backtracked after mistakenly thinking that Silicon Valley was the place they made all the breast implants for women who want boob jobs.

Hillary Clinton says a grudge held against her by Vladimir Putin led to Russia hacking the Democrats. Along with the grudge held against the Clintons by voters since the 1990s.

A survey says that 58% of Americans identify themselves as middle class now as compared with 51% last year. Mostly because in this economy there are so many people who are broke that anyone with less than $100,000 in debt is considered to be upwardly mobile.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which is the time I give you all my weekly gift. Two days off from these jokes. But don’t worry, I will have them back up as usual on Monday so you can start off with something that actually makes going back to work seem better by comparison. I appreciate you all checking out the jokes which I do as a labor of love. Which makes me the only person around who actually loves to labor. While I am not making any cash from this venture, I get more than paid back when you all take the time to remember to keep on always sending the love!



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