Thursday, December 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Extra-marital affairs site Ashley Madison has settled a data breach lawsuit for $1.6 Million. Which is nowhere near the money that changed hands for the men who gave up half of everything they owned when their wives found out they were members.

Amazon made its first successful drone delivery that took 13 minutes from order to doorstep. Which is a lot less time than the six months it will take the person to put assemble the piece of furniture they made the mistake of ordering through Amazon.

Amazon made its first successful drone delivery that took 13 minutes from order to doorstep. Mostly because the customer actually just wanted to buy the drone that made the delivery.

U.S. automakers have been threatened with a penalty by China for what is called “monopolistic” practices. Who does China think they are, Donald Trump?

U.S. automakers have been threatened with a penalty by China for what is called “monopolistic” practices. Apparently their definition of “monopoly” is when they only manufacture twice as many vehicles as us instead of 99.9% of all the electronics and clothes we make.

A California court has revived a discrimination lawsuit against CNN. The worst part is that the jury for the case will be larger than the typical number of people watching CNN.

Facebook says it will bankroll its own video shows. Which shouldn’t be too expensive considering most Facebook users are happy looking at pictures of what their friends ate for breakfast followed by watching a couple dozen cat videos.

California is set to adopt the first energy saving rules for computers. Apparently it has to do with estimates of cutting computer energy use half just limiting the amount of time people spend on Internet porn.

A hospital in Italy has become the first to successfully transplant a kidney in place of a spleen for a six year old girl. Or as that is called in the rest of the world, “malpractice.”

A hospital in Italy has become the first to successfully transplant a kidney in place of a spleen for a six year old girl. Which apparently worked because no one actually needs to have a spleen.

A Russian woman died after falling into a vat of chocolate. Rescuers arrived too late after she started yelling “Fire!” When asked why she was yelling fire, she said because no one came when she yelled “Chocolate!” (Credit to the Smothers Brothers)

A study says that pain relievers are tied to hearing loss. Which is apparently why all those pain pill addicts take so long to get help as they never hear anyone saying they should go to rehab.

Donald Trump met with tech leaders whom he praised for their “incredible innovation.” Mostly for coming up with the technology to allow Russians to hack the Democrats and help him win the election.

Donald Trump met with tech leaders whom he praised for their “incredible innovation.” Mostly by making it so geeks and nerds are actually envied for having more money than anyone else on the planet.

An uproar was caused in Chile when the Economy Minister posed with a blow-up sex doll at a dinner party. It wasn’t the first time someone in charge of the economy saw their job put on the line because of inflation.

A report says the Arctic is heating up twice as fast as the rest of the planet. To which the people living there are asking how else are they ever going to catch up?

A report says the Arctic is heating up twice as fast as the rest of the planet. Which would be more of a concern if they weren’t 100 times colder to start with.

A report says that Kanye West will not be performing at Donald Trump’s Inauguration ceremony. Which shows that Trump wants to start off his administration with a gesture showing he is capable of making decisions the entire nation can get behind.

19 moviegoers in India were arrested for failing to stand up during their national anthem played before the movie. Who knew that a nation where the national sport is cricket would suddenly all try to be like an NFL quarterback?

19 moviegoers in India were arrested for failing to stand up during their national anthem played before the movie. Apparently they were tired after having to sit through the previous 30 minutes of trailers of coming attractions and commercials.

A company in Alabama was fined after a worker was crushed to death by a robot two weeks before her wedding. Although the death now appears to be suspicious as the robot’s last message before the accident was “If I can’t have her, nobody can.”

A company in Alabama was fined after a worker was crushed to death by a robot two weeks before her wedding. To which the other robots are now saying “Charlie got away with it!”

A group is calling for a boycott of state-run Qatar Airways because of the country’s history of human rights violations. Which can only mean none of the people in the group calling for the boycott have ever booked a trip on United.

The average cost of an apartment in Manhattan is now $2 Million. Although a medium sized refrigerator box within walking distance to Times Square and Broadway can still be bought for somewhere in the low six figures.

The Department of Justice has collected $31.3 Billion in fines from companies that defrauded the government during the Obama Administration. And that was just from the companies that were on the government payroll while they were looking around for the President’s birth certificate.

The Department of Justice has collected $31.3 Billion in fines from companies that defrauded the government during the Obama Administration. Now if we could just get back some of the $3.8 Trillion the government spends of taxpayer money every year to get absolutely nothing done.

A report says one of every eight mortgage applications is rejected. The other seven are for loans on homes the banks will do anything to sell that have been sitting on the market for the past eight years in Michigan, Vermont and Wyoming.

A report says one of every eight mortgage applications is rejected. The other seven are approved and immediately put into the “future foreclosures” file.

A study says that older people who are happy tend to live longer. Which makes sense since if they are older people, they have already lived longer to begin with.

A study says that older people who are happy tend to live longer. The only problem is finding people who are happy about being older.

Researchers say that gum disease could be tied to arthritis. Apparently it has to do with the inactivity of the joints of the people who never use their arms or hands to brush and floss.

A study says teenagers who use smartphones and tablets at least five hours a day increase their chances of obesity by 43%. Which by simple math means 43% of our teens are overweight.

A study says teenagers who use smartphones and tablets at least five hours a day increase their chances of obesity by 43%. Which is even worse when you consider most kids have put in five hours in front of a computer screen before lunch.

An off duty firefighter in North Carolina saved 30 people in a restaurant from carbon monoxide poisoning. Apparently he became concerned when several customers suddenly became ill and he realized he wasn’t eating at Chipotle.

13,000 men are suing Johnson & Johnson, claiming bipolar drugs resulted in them growing breasts. Which means now that the have breasts, instead of being bipolar their diagnosis is now for schizophrenia.

A study says that a full moon may disrupt people’s sleep by up to 20 minutes. Mostly from their phone keeping them awake from all the comments on their social media sites telling them to “look at the Moon!”

A report says wealthy Americans are twice as likely to be in good health than those with lower incomes. To which rich people say it’s only fair as they need to live longer so they have more time to enjoy all their cash.

A report says wealthy Americans are twice as likely to be in good health and have less stress than those with lower incomes. Mostly because only the rich can go see a doctor and not worry for the next six months how they are going to pay the bill.

Public health officials in New York say the number of people who became sick after eating Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant is now up to 260. People were surprised. They had no idea Taco Bell stayed open on Thanksgiving.

A study says the average college student gains ten pounds before graduating. Which isn’t bad considering how they mostly sit on the couch eating junk food for four years all to get a little exercise walking across a stage to pick up their diploma.

A study at the University of Vermont says the average college student gains ten pounds before graduating. Mostly because students in Vermont don’t get any exercise during the eight months of the year they are snowed in at their dorm.

Paris Hilton says she wants to be remembered for her business skills and not as a reality star. Which possibly means she may be gearing up for a run for President.

Paris Hilton says she wants to be remembered for her business skills and not as a reality star. Her biggest business accomplishment was the act of making a fortune just by being born into a family of billionaires.

Paris Hilton says she wants to be remembered for her business skills and not as a reality star. To which most people are saying “Paris Hilton is still around?”

Kate Gosselin says she avoids the tabloids have made her angry and affected her health. She had no idea they were there for anything else other than making her rich and famous.

Ben Affleck praised his ex-wife Jennifer Garner as the “world’s greatest mom.” And to think she did it all with love, dedication and a little help from her four nannies.

The San Diego Chargers say they will wait until after the regular season to decide whether or not to move to L.A. Apparently at 5-8 they aren’t sure if they can measure up until they see how the Rams finish from their 4-9 start.

Yahoo says 1 Billion users’ accounts were hacked. Although the report didn’t set off any alarms as most people haven’t logged into Yahoo since 1997.

A report says Donald Trump’s nominee as head of the FDA favors a “progressive approval” drugs. Apparently figures why should drug companies have to pay for research Guinea pigs when there are 300 Million Americans who can be used instead to figure out which drugs might work.

A NASA scientist says the Earth is due for an “extinction-level” event. He says that could range from an asteroid to a comet to the Trump Administration.

A producer for “Good Morning America” has dropped out from consideration as a communications aide for Donald Trump. Apparently he felt if he wanted to help get Donald Trump’s political message out he would have gone to work for CNN.

Donald Trump is considering doing away with assigned seats at White House press briefings. Mostly because since Trump considers himself on a level with rock stars, he feels audiences at his appearances should be determined by festival seating.

A report says Ivanka Trump will have an office in the East Wing of the White House. Apparently she wants to be close to her father in order to advise him on economics, foreign affairs and to get his opinion on which handbag she should sell on QVC.

A report says Donald Trump’s National Security Adviser Michael Flynn inappropriately shared classified documents with foreign governments. But apparently that is OK since he didn’t send them through a private e-mail server.

A poll says a majority of Americans are hopeful but have low expectations for the Trump Administration. Which is scary as that feeling used to be reserved for people standing in line to see a Pauly Shore movie.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only ten shopping days to Christmas. Or as that used to be called before we completely over commercialized everything, ten tens before Christmas. I hope you are all planning on getting me what I have been hoping for this year. I realize the 7 Billion daily readers thing is a bit of a stretch for this Christmas, but you can always do the next best thing which is to remember to keep on always sending the love!


1 comment:

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