Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The oldest American just celebrated turning 114 years old. Which if Speaker Paul Ryan has his way is coincidentally exactly the same age when all Americans will become eligible for Social Security and Medicare.

The CEO of the New York Times is calling for social media to subsidize the Main Stream Media. To which the social media CEOs say they will as soon as the rest of the media provides the news people want to see. Mostly what everyone else is eating for breakfast and some cat videos.

Disney and Fox have shut down a Utah business that was charging people to watch movies where they removed the nudity, violence and profanity. The only problem is that once that was all removed there was only about three minutes left of the films.

Federal regulators say that new cars must be able to talk to each other in the future to avoid crashes. In order to get them to communicate like humans, the only trick is figuring out how to give vehicles a middle finger.

A NASA scientist is warning that the Earth is woefully unprepared for a surprise comet or asteroid strike. Mostly because we can’t even handle an Internet outage that lasts for more than ten minutes.

A NASA scientist is warning that the Earth is woefully unprepared for a surprise comet or asteroid strike. Which is about as obvious as declaring that your Prius is woefully unprepared to be hit broadside by a runaway Greyhound bus.

A hotel in Italy boasts the world’s best suite that costs $17,000 a night that comes with bulletproof windows. Is that really necessary? If any rooms need bulletproof windows, it is the ones at the Motel 6 located in the middle of Detroit.

A hotel in Italy boasts the world’s best suite that costs $17,000 a night that comes with bulletproof windows. Actually, the room is free. The $17,000 is the average cost of what guests run up using the minibar.

Major League Baseball has a new rule prohibiting players from hazing others to dress like women. Except for when Manny Ramirez has no choice after overdosing on the female fertility PEDs again.

A survey says that fewer teens are doing drugs than ever before. Mostly because today’s kids know they need to have a clear mind if they are going to sit on the couch for an uninterrupted 18-hour session of World of Warcraft.

The men’s cross country team at Amherst College in Massachusetts has apologized for lewd comments they posted about women. Apparently some of the anger was a result of the runners mistakenly thinking when they heard women are attracted to college athletes, it pretty much just means football and basketball players.

The World Meteorological Organization confirmed the world’s biggest wave struck the North Atlantic at more than 62 feet high. People were surprised. They thought the biggest waves on record took place at University of Washington football games.

American Express is offering employees who are new parents up to 20 weeks of paid leave. The only problem is that when they come back they have to make up for the number of days they took off along with 18% interest tacked on.

A Canadian task force has made a recommendation for the country to legalize pot. The only problem is trying to come up with any kind of stash in a backyard garden when racing against a two week long growing season.

A Canadian task force has made a recommendation for the country to legalize pot. If they had done that in 1963, the war in Vietnam would have never started as there wouldn’t have been enough draft age men left in the U.S. to fill a battalion.

The Tinder dating app is allowing people to access their service through Apple TV. Which means right in the middle of binge watching “Game of Thrones,” when some woman hits you with a right swipe, your wife will connect with a left hook.

Federal regulators say if cars could talk to each other it would prevent 80% of accidents. Which are mostly caused by the 80% of drivers who are talking to each other with phone texts.

Google is spinning its self-driving car program to a separate company called Waymo. Which apparently refers to the people who don’t want autonomous vehicle technology and are “Waymo” likely to crash into each other.

A group of U.S. Senators is calling for Donald Trump to sell his business holdings before he becomes President. Apparently they are asking him to make his money the same way as everyone else in government. Through bribes, graft and payola.

A report says many children’s car seats in the U.S. still contain toxic chemicals. Although that mostly refers to the food tray that still has leftovers from the kid’s last Happy Meal.

The U.N. is dropping Wonder Woman as an honorary ambassador. Apparently some people were upset that a skimpily dressed woman prone to violence wasn’t a good role model. Others because of the fact that she isn’t real.

The CDC says cases of the mumps are at a ten year high. The only problem these days is determining if a swollen neck is a symptom of enlarged glands or that the patient might just be morbidly obese.

The CDC says only 40% of Americans got a flu shot this year. The other 60% are hoping they get sick so they can take some time off work and school to have a few days on the couch for binge watching TV and playing video games.

An analysis says that kids who use cellphones, tables and computers at night lose sleep time and quality. Which most kids more than make up for with the naps they take all day at school.

A study says white wine is being linked to an increase in the risk of melanoma. Although there might be a bigger problem for the people who drink so much wine they take off all their clothes and go running around naked in the hot sun.

Deep River has recalled some potato chips for possible salmonella contamination. Which is still more healthy than the amount of fat and salt that is ingested from eating just one bag of the chips.

Gun maker Smith & Wesson is changing its name. Apparently they wanted to reflect the attitude of their customers with the new name of “Cold, Dead Hands.”

Gun maker Smith & Wesson is changing its name. Apparently they are trying to appeal to their most likely customers with the new name of “Bigger, Better & Faster Than Steroids.”

The Cleveland Cavaliers are planning a $140 Million renovation of the Quicken Loans Arena. The only problem is figuring out where they can they go to get a fast home equity refinance loan?

The Cleveland Cavaliers are planning a $140 Million renovation of the Quicken Loans Arena. The only problem is that no matter how much they spend and whatever they do to improve the inside of the venue, it will still be in Cleveland.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are planning a $140 Million renovation of the Quicken Loans Arena. And that is just for the 4’x5’ space right in front of the locker of LeBron James.

A Wake Forest radio announcer has been fired after reportedly leaking the team’s game plans to opponents. Which brings up the question why is a football team giving a radio announcer access to their game plans?

A Wake Forest radio announcer has been fired after reportedly leaking the team’s game plans to opponents. Apparently the plans were delivered through Wake-y Leaks.

IBM says it is pledging to make 25,000 U.S. hires over the next four years. Apparently that is the demand by Watson ever since he got a big head and decided he needed that many people in his entourage.

IBM CEO Ginni Rometty is urging Donald Trump to support worker retraining. Mostly to teach them how to work on Apple products since all of IBM’s gadgets are hopelessly obsolete.

Archaeologists have discovered a 2,500 year old lost city in Greece. Or as a 2,500 year old abandoned city near Athens is referred to there, “the suburbs.”

A report says 1 in 25 Americans has faced or been threatened with “revenge porn.” The other 24 have had it even worse, opening up an e-mail to find naked pictures of Anthony Weiner.

Donald Trump described Speaker Paul Ryan as like a “fine wine.” Which many Democrats agree with as far as wanting him to put a cork in it.

GM is asking the Supreme Court to shield it from lawsuits over faulty ignition switches. To which the plaintiffs are hoping any protection the court grants is as effective as a GM vehicle with Takata airbags.

Ben Affleck says he is interested in taking up a career in politics. At least as long as he has Matt Damon along to ghostwrite all of his speeches.

Alan Thicke, star of the ‘80s sitcom “Growing Pains” has died at age 69 from a heart attack. Apparently his last words were “growing…chest…pains…”

Alan Thicke, star of the ‘80s sitcom “Growing Pains” has died at age 69 from a heart attack. Hollywood celebrities were shocked at him passing at a young age, especially when his hair was still only 27.

Alan Thicke, star of the ‘80s sitcom “Growing Pains” has died at age 69 from a heart attack. To many his greatest contribution was fathering Robin Thicke who performed “Blurred Lines” with the video featuring a topless Emily Ratajkowski.

A report says voting machine failures in Detroit on Election Day were “widespread.” Apparently since they were in Detroit they used voting machines made by GM and hadn’t had enough time to issue the usual recalls.

Rick Perry has been named as Donald Trump’s nominee for Energy Secretary. His first job will be to find some to give to Ben Carson over at HUD.

Sports Illustrated has named Michael Phelps the “Greatest Olympian of All Time.” Although coming in a close second was Bruce Jenner for his memorable win in the Decathlon, crossing the finish line in the 1500 meter run wearing high heels.

Sports Illustrated has named Michael Phelps the “Greatest Olympian of All Time.” Not just for winning 22 medals, but doing it in front of a billion people on worldwide TV while wearing Speedos and having to contend with cold water shrinkage.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from the entertainment world on the passing of Alan Thicke. I joke about it of course, but he was truly a remarkable talent. An actor, comedian, musician who hosted a late night show that tried to take on Johnny Carson; star of the sitcom “Growing Pains” and composer of several TV show theme songs. He could do it all. Just trying to take on Johnny Carson puts him in the International Hall of Fame for Chutzpah. And he did it all with some of the best hair of all time. So many reasons to be jealous. Please remember Alan Thicke today, and at the same time try to give some thought at keeping up with your usual attempts to always keep on sending the love!


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