Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An Australian psychic says the upcoming “Super Moon” could set people over the edge and make Christmas a potential battleground. Apparently the psychic has never been to America to know there is no way it could be any worse than Black Friday.

A study says 1 in 6 adult Americans says they have taken psychiatric drugs. And that is just since the results came in from the November election.

 A study says 1 in 6 adult Americans says they have taken psychiatric drugs. The other 5 say they are much happier living in the reality they are currently hallucinating.

A report says global warming has contributed to dropping the average weight of reindeer by 12 pounds. Which is good news for all those people who on the day after Christmas usually have to call a repairman to fix all the hoof marks on their roofs.

A report says global warming has contributed to dropping the average weight of reindeer by 12 pounds. Which is good news for the other reindeer who are tired of Donner always asking “Does this yoke make my butt look big?”

A report says global warming has contributed to dropping the average weight of reindeer by 12 pounds. The other 8 pounds they want to lose by Christmas will come with their membership in Jenny Craig.

A report says the world spent $1.57 Trillion on arms this year. And that was just the people who went to all the gun shows after they were afraid Hillary Clinton was going to win the presidency and try to take all their guns away.

A report says the world spent $1.57 Trillion on arms this year. The good news is that these days that pretty much amounts to three state of the art fighter jets.

A report says the world spent $1.57 Trillion on arms this year. Mostly from all the defense contractors selling weapons to the U.S., China and Russia telling them they have to protect themselves from all the weapons being bought up by the U.S., China and Russia.

A Florida woman was run over by a float in a Christmas parade. Apparently it’s a problem convincing people that there is a Christmas parade going by when it is still 85 degrees outside.

A test can reportedly predict which children will be a drain on society as adults by the time they are 3 years old. Mostly the kids who are older than 2 and still don’t  know how to design, assemble and operate their own tablet computer.

Google has signed a deal with Cuba’s telecommunications company to improve the speed of the Internet for its customers. Which is good news for all three Cubans who can afford to buy a computer and pay for the service.

A test can reportedly predict which children will be a drain on society as adults by the time they are 3 years old. Mostly when the child’s parent fills out the form and their Zip Code is from Mississippi, Alabama or Georgia.

Google has signed a deal with Cuba’s telecommunications company to improve the speed of the Internet for its customers. Which is definitely a necessity, especially for the people there who are online and are just finding out Fidel Castro is dead.

Students at the University of Pennsylvania have removed a portrait of William Shakespeare, saying he doesn’t represent a diverse group of writers. Mostly for the students who couldn’t understand him because he insisted on using proper English and correct grammar.

Students at the University of Pennsylvania have removed a portrait of William Shakespeare, saying he doesn’t represent a diverse group of writers. The students replaced it with a painting of their writing hero, the person who started Cliffs Notes.

An 8 year old Arkansas boy was killed while playing in a cemetery when a tombstone fell over on him. The family was visiting the cemetery to pay their respects to their other children who died more traditional Arkansas deaths. Playing with guns.

An 8 year old Arkansas boy was killed while playing in a cemetery when a tombstone fell over on him. The family was at the cemetery paying their respects to their cousins. Which was pretty much everyone buried there.

An 8 year old Arkansas boy was killed while playing in a cemetery when a tombstone fell over on him. The good news is they were able to have the funeral without even having to make an extra trip back to their trailer.

Two F-35 fighter jets being delivered to Israel by the U.S. could not arrive on schedule as they were grounded by bad weather. Which means Israel can now feel protected as long as they are attacked when it is sunny and 75 degrees.

Jose Canseco told Donald Trump he would like to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve. He says he has the know how to really get the economy juiced again.

The Supreme Court has ruled that a man who stole $300,000 from the account of an acquaintance can be convicted of bank fraud. Too bad for him he didn’t sell millions of phony mortgages and crashed the economy or he would still be a free man.

Cuddling small babies in a way known as “Kangaroo care” reportedly helps them in life decades later. The only problem is when everyone keeps calling them “Joey.”

Cuddling small babies in a way known as “Kangaroo care” reportedly helps them in life decades later. Apparently it really gives them the jump on everyone else.

Police say a man in Florida fraudulently posed as a dentist and made dentures for patients. The only problem for authorities was that getting him to talk was like pulling teeth.

A study has linked insomnia with asthma. Mostly for the men who keep getting awakened when their wife keeps hitting them for wheezing all through the night.

Texas is launching an effort to track brain injuries in young athletes. Mostly by just seeing which ones fill out applications to go to Texas A&M.

The stars of HGTV’s “Flip or Flop” are reportedly getting a divorce. Apparently their marriage just didn’t have that good of a foundation.

The stars of HGTV’s “Flip or Flop” are reportedly getting a divorce. Apparently their marriage ended up being rated subprime.

The stars of HGTV’s “Flip or Flop” are reportedly getting a divorce. Apparently while they were flipping houses, their marriage was flopping.

The L.A. Rams have fired coach Jeff Fisher after the team fell short of expectations. Fans were surprised. Since when did anyone start having any expectations for the Rams?

A report says Carly Fiorina is being considered to be named U.S. spy chief. Apparently it has something to do with Donald Trump thinking she would make a great spy because of her old political commercial where she was disguised as a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

A report says Carly Fiorina is being considered to be named U.S. spy chief. Mostly because as former head of HP, she convinced Donald Trump that unlike the FBI she could hack her way into an iPhone.

Uber is being accused of tracking celebrities and politicians through their app. The question is, what celebrity or politicians would want to risk their reputations by being seen taking a ride from an Uber driver?

A report says Netgear routers can be easily hacked. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “NOW they tell me.”

Disney IT workers are claiming they are being discriminated against because they are American. They say they were fired and replaced with immigrants, most notably Mulan, Jasmine and Moana.

Disney IT workers are claiming they are being discriminated against because they are American. Not only that, but the Seven Dwarfs are complaining that the EPA has forced them to shut down all production in their mines.

A report says the plague has stricken six cats in Idaho. Apparently one of their nine lives can be traced back to the 14th century.

Bank officials in Bangladesh have been implicated as part of a $108 Million bank heist. Financial experts were baffled. There was $108 Million in Bangladesh?

Bill Gates is starting a $1 Billion fund to fight climate change. Mostly because he feels responsible as the source of global warming was found to be the methane released into the atmosphere by people sitting around in front of a computer screen all day.

Jimmy Buffett says he wants to take a trip into space. The only problem is that he will have to adapt to drinking Margaritas made with Tang.

A newly discovered drawing by Leonardo da Vinci has been valued at $16 Million. The sad part is that it is worth so much because when Millennials heard a work of Leonardo was found they thought it was by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

A new banking app reportedly helps customers rein in their spending. Mostly by siphoning away all their money by signing them up for a phony bank account with Wells Fargo.

The FAA has given airlines the ability to determine if passengers can make inflight cellphone calls using Wi-Fi. Which the airlines are in favor of so they can get everyone on board to shell out the $35 per hour Wi-Fi fee.

The FAA has given airlines the ability to determine if passengers can make inflight cellphone calls using Wi-Fi. Which is great news for United fliers who can call their next of kin to make their final arrangements over the phone ahead of time.

Donald Trump has delayed a news conference until January on how he will run his business while President, blaming it on an “unconventional situation.” Which brings up the point that nothing in the world has been conventional since November 8th.

A report says that Democrats were under a “sustained and determined” online assault by Russian hackers. The Democrats say that is no big deal as they were more concerned with the sustained and determined attack on them by Fox News.

A report says that Democrats were under a “sustained and determined” online assault by Russian hackers. Political experts say that was almost as damaging to the party’s election hopes as the strategy put in place by Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

The Benghazi Committee has filed its final report and shut down. Members say they are satisfied that the hearings were able to achieve their ultimate goal. Mostly the election defeat of Hillary Clinton.

A report says Secretary of State nominee Robert Tillerson could have confirmation problems with the Senate. The ExxonMobil CEO needs to show Senators he has the experience and temperament for the job, and most importantly the ability to increase the amount of money that his company donates to their campaigns.

Nancy Pelosi says in order to protect Obamacare, the Democratic Party needs to mobilize and inform the people about it. Which would have made more sense if they would have actually tried that back in 2010.

North Carolina Republican Senator Tim Scott says he sees a long legislative process next year and expects there to be “pain and suffering.” Mostly for the taxpayers footing the bill for everything that Congress spends our money on.

North Carolina Republican Senator Tim Scott says he sees a long legislative process next year and expects there to be “pain and suffering.” Especially for the legislators who could see a long session make them put in up to 100 days at the office.

A poll says 4 in 10 Americans are dissatisfied with their healthcare costs. The other 6 have gotten around it by letting their medical bills be taken care of along with all their other expenses at their hearings in bankruptcy court.

Donald Trump says the F-35 fighter jet program and its costs are “out of control.” His feelings are that we can lower the expense by ordering them in bulk just as soon as he is able to start his first war as President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I want to thank each of you for checking out the blog every day. Even though I am woefully shy of my 7 Billion daily reader goal, I know we can reach it if you start telling all your friends and family, and if I finally start putting out a quality product. But what’s the rush? I still always get my reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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