Sunday, December 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Uber has banned physical contact and flirting between drivers and passengers. Mostly because what woman passenger can’t resist a driver who is an out of work college student who is trying to get by driving people around in his Prius?

Hillary Clinton’s campaign reportedly cost $1.2 Billion. It was the most money spent on a losing cause other than what the Cleveland Browns have spent on salaries in the past decade.

The Sundance Film Festival will open with the sequel from Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth.” Which is ironic as we just got done with the sequel from Al Gore’s 2000 presidential election.

The Sundance Film Festival will open with the sequel from Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth.” The 2006 film won the Oscar for Best Original Song “I Need To Wake Up.” This film isn’t as subtle, instead using the old standard “Hot Hot Hot.”

The Sundance Film Festival will open with the sequel from Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth.” The working title is “Is It Just Me Or Is It Getting Hot In Here?”

Two women are suing a groom after a drone crashed into their faces while dancing at a wedding in New Hampshire. Not so much for their injuries but for the embarrassment of being filmed by the drone while doing the Chicken Dance.

The Cherokee Nation has OK’d same sex marriages. Or as Native Americans refer to them, “Brave-Brave” and “Squaw Squaw” marriages.

J.C. Penney, Kohl’s, Sears and Macy’s are being sued for “false” sales pricing. Mostly because no matter what those stores are charging for their merchandise, it’s too much.

J.C. Penney, Kohl’s, Sears and Macy’s are being sued for “false” sales pricing. The only one not fighting the charges is Sears which is just happy to be held in the same regard with the other stores.

Michigan has passed a law allowing cars without steering wheels or drivers to be tested on the state’s highways. Which in Detroit is being met with excitement by local gangs who are working on performing the first autonomous drive-by shooting.

A report says Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice” deal could include money from product placement arrangements. Which will be interesting to see how defense contractors, Big Oil and Wall Street banks will be integrated into each episode.

U.S. regulators are stepping up the pace of the Takata airbag recalls, saying they will be complete by 2023. If the safety features had as much air as the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.

A report says optimism in small business owners is at its highest in eight years. Especially for owners who started their small business in 2008 and had no expectations of still being around through 2016.

American Airlines is not recalling flight attendants’ uniforms despite complaints they are causing itching, rashes, fevers and headaches. Any attendants with those symptoms are just assumed on their most recent flight to have ordered the fish.

A report says airlines made record profits in 2016. Although the completed version won’t be finished until all 320 United Airlines flights from 2015 have made it to the final gate.

A report says airlines made record profits of $35.6 Billion in 2016. Which means that not including fees for luggage, drinks and seat assignments, that profit margin for the carriers would have been more like $47.50.

A study says that half of all people have memories of events that never happened. Which for most Democrats is the only hope they still have after the 2016 election.

A study says the reason most people avoid going to the dentist is not fear but the expense. Mostly because what’s the use in fixing their teeth when they won’t be able to smile for months after getting their dental bill?

A study says the reason most people avoid going to the dentist is not fear but the expense. Mostly because they are instead putting their money into the sodas, candy and snacks that have taken away the need for them to ever need a dentist anyway.

A study says long term opioid use may be tied to Alzheimer’s Disease. Which works out well for the users who end up forgetting what was hurting in the first place.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin has been released from the hospital after becoming ill on a trip to the Antarctic. Apparently he has learned his lesson. Next time he goes to the South Pole, he will remember to take a jacket.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin has been released from the hospital after becoming ill on a trip to the Antarctic. Apparently it just took two glasses of Tang and he was right back on his feet again.

Publix brand waffles and pancakes have been recalled because of the possibility of salmonella. Although it turns out the salmonella is less dangerous than eating an entire package of waffles and pancakes.

A Chinese factory has given a Christmas wish to an autistic boy in the UK by making him several of the sippy cups he likes that became unavailable. The goodwill is spreading, and now the company may give another holiday wish by only making their 6 year old workers put in a 15 hour shift on Christmas Day.

Experts say there could be a drug to treat Alzheimer’s Disease by 2025. They would have had one by now but researchers kept forgetting where they put the formula.

A survey says 56% of Americans are satisfied with the cost of their health care. The other 44% are the ones who have gotten sick and couldn’t take part in the poll because they are spending all their time with their bankruptcy lawyers.

A report says two producers of “Duck Dynasty” were fired and are being sued by the UK’s ITV for fraud. The claims of fraud stem from a dispute of the existence of any such dynasty involving ducks by a group representing geese, swans, herons and other waterfowl.

Joseph Mascolo, who played a villain on the soap opera “Days Of Our Lives” has died at age 87 from Alzheimer’s Disease. The diagnosis was made when he could only remember the names of four of his character’s ex-wives, seven mistresses and three illegitimate children.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he is “unfazed” at Donald Trump still being a producer of “Celebrity Apprentice.” The show can remain credible as long as Schwarzenegger just dispenses business advice and doesn’t try to give acting lessons.

Oakland is making a new offer to keep the Raiders from moving to Las Vegas. The city is mainly appealing to the team’s fans by promising to upgrade to luxurious conditions every cell at the Alameda County Jail.

A survey says 85% of Millennials say it is important to stay up to date on the latest news. Mostly so they can find out about the newest smartphone apps, grand openings of any local coffee shops and tips for higher scores on Pokemon Go.

President Obama has ordered a review by the nation’s intelligence agencies that a foreign power altered the 2016 election. Although most Americans are more interested in just getting their money back from those Nigerian princes.

Researchers in Michigan say that people’s own motion could soon be used to charge the batteries in their cellphones. The only problem is that the cellphone has pretty much single-handedly brought an end to any human physical activity.

Donald Trump says mergers like that of AT&T and Time Warner “destroy democracy.” Mostly for the people who can no longer afford to pay their cable bill and can’t see all the non-stop 24/7 coverage of anything Donald Trump says.

Samsung has cut service to the remaining Galaxy Note 7 phones that have not been turned in as part of their recall. The bad part is that the assignment was taken from the service technicians and given to the Explosives Disarmament and Disposal Unit.

Rumors are spreading that Mark Zuckerberg could be considering a career in politics. Mostly because he knows that after only making $50 Billion with Facebook, he wants to get into a business where he can really line his pockets.

Rumors are spreading that Mark Zuckerberg could be considering a career in politics. Mostly because after building up a stable of 1 Billion friends on Facebook, he wants to get into the one business that will make it possible to lose them all.

Rumors are spreading that Mark Zuckerberg could be considering a career in politics. Mostly because Facebook has given him the framework to run; name recognition, a huge financial war chest and his own source to generate fake news.

The work of ancient astronomers has revealed that the Earth’s rotation is slowing down. Just how fat are we getting that even the entire planet is having trouble moving all that weigh around?

The work of ancient astronomers has revealed that the Earth’s rotation is slowing down, as much as 1.8 milliseconds a century. Which is great to know we have all that extra time that can be used for doing even more binge watching on Netflix.

A Dallas Cowboys fan who tattooed declaring the team the winner of Super Bowl LI has been getting death threats from other fans fearing he may jinx the team. Although he will have the last laugh as before those other fans can get him he will be done in by the Hepatitis C he picked up at the tattoo parlor.

A report says businesses owned by Donald Trump made $14.6 Million off his presidential campaign. Which helped him win by making him look good as finally having some businesses that figured out a way to stay out of bankruptcy.

Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson is expected to be named as Secretary of State. Which means that by putting someone from Big Oil in charge of the country’s foreign policy, all Donald Trump is doing is just finally cutting out the middleman.

Former “SNL” cast member Joe Piscopo is reportedly considering a run as a Republican candidate for New Jersey Governor in 2018. People were shocked. An “SNL” cast member is a Republican?

Former “SNL” cast member Joe Piscopo is reportedly considering a run as a Republican candidate for New Jersey Governor in 2018. The only drawback is that he is going to really work hard to be anywhere near as funny as Chris Christie.

Donald Trump says he is going to spend “Zero time” as an executive producer of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Which is exactly his same plan when it comes to foreign policy, an economic plan and health care reform.

A poll says a majority of Americans are skeptical over the key agenda items of Donald Trump like environmental regulations and Obamacare. It’s just too bad they haven’t had any way of making those feelings known, say with some sort of election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is just two weeks away, and Donald Trump is certainly not being a Grinch when it comes to handing out material for writers like myself. Of course, we will be pay for it eventually over the next several generations, but with a national debt of $19 Trillion how much worse can it get? I just hope you stay in the Christmas spirit of giving by making sure to remember to keep on always sending the love!


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