Thursday, December 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Scientists in Denmark say that eating insects, blood and animal brains is the way to make the future food supply sustainable. Which is no big deal in Denmark as insects, blood and brains are still more appetizing than a plate full of lutefisk.

ESPN has reportedly lost 1 Million subscribers in the past two months. Apparently even men have finally given up paying a cable bill of $150 a month for the ability to get up at 3:00 AM to watch horseshoe pitching, demolition derby and tractor pulling.

Los Angeles is set to bury 1,430 unclaimed dead bodies in a mass grave. Unfortunately, they were never able to quite make any higher than the celebrity “D” list.

Los Angeles is set to bury 1,430 unclaimed dead bodies in a mass grave. The gravesite will be marked with a simple headstone reading “Here lie 1,430 aspiring screenwriters.”

A passenger on the Colombian airplane crash said they survived by going into the fetal position. Which they apparently learned after trying to deal with customer services after several flights on United Airlines.

The man who created the Big Mac, Jim Delligatti has died at age 98. Apparently he was the victim when things went wrong during a home invasion by the Hamburglar.

The man who created the Big Mac, Jim Delligatti has died at age 98. His last words were “Two all beef patties…special…sauce…lettuce…cheese…pickles…onions…on a…sesame…seed…(gasp)bun.”

The man who created the Big Mac, Jim Delligatti has died at age 98. To which anyone under 30 knows the Big Mac as what their parents used to eat back in the 1970s.

A motorcyclist in Florida died after his bike ran into a turtle on the road. Apparently he just couldn’t avoid the collision as his speed was estimated to be as high as 3 miles an hour.

Voters in Gambia will decide if they want to keep President Yahya Jammeh, who once said he would rule for “a billion years.” Which is about how long it would take to get the rest of the world to actually ever take Gambia seriously.

A report says cigarettes may be a thing of the past for Phillip Morris. Which is what happens when you sell a product that pretty much kills all the people who use it.

A report says cigarettes may be a thing of the past for Phillip Morris. Apparently the company wants to get into producing goods that don’t kill off their customers quite so fast, like junk food, alcohol and video game consoles.

Some Canadian Police are threatening to make DUI suspects listen to Nickelback songs on the way to jail. They would have made them listen to Justin Bieber but the Canadian courts have ruled that would amount to cruel and unusual punishment.

The U.N. Security Council has imposed sanctions on the main source of revenue for North Korea. To which the rest of the world is saying “And that is…?”

The U.N. Security Council has imposed sanctions on the main source of revenue for North Korea. Which turns out to be a nationwide chain of salons that give every citizen exactly the same haircut as Kim Jong-un.

Fiat Chrysler says its new minivan gets 84 miles per gallon in its electric mode. Which is still not as good as most other Chryslers that get up to 200 miles per gallon, at least while they are in hauling mode while being pulled behind a tow truck.

A study says the drug ecstasy could be used to treat people with PTSD. Although it may not work so well on those who became traumatized in the first place after being freaked out during an all-night rave party.

Donald Trump has nominated Steve Mnuchin as Treasury Secretary. The good news is his background as a banker at Goldman Sachs and Hollywood film producer means he has just the right amount of greed and moral vacancy to be put in control of the entire supply of the nation’s currency.

Donald Trump says when he becomes President he will leave his businesses “in total.” Which means he will put all skills of running his companies into the ground more toward bankrupting the entire country.

President Obama says that marijuana should be treated the same as cigarettes and alcohol. Meaning when he turns the White House keys over to Donald Trump he will be like the rest of the country and deal with it by getting stoned out of his mind.

President Obama says that marijuana should be treated the same as cigarettes and alcohol. Why shouldn’t everyone have the chance to use yet another substance to ruin their health, destroy their family and die 20 years before their time?

A study says smokers under 50 are eight times more at risk of having a heart attack. As opposed to smokers over 50 who are just another few packs away from going through heart attack number four.

A study says smokers under 50 are eight times more at risk of having a heart attack. As opposed to those over 50 who have already had three heart attacks and are now dealing with their emphysema, high blood pressure and lung cancer.

The Obama Administration has banned smoking in all U.S. public housing. Mostly because the President is still angry that Michelle made him quit smoking the day they moved into their public housing.

A report says the lack of sleep costs Americans $411 Billion a year in productivity. Mostly because people are lying awake in bed for three hours on their cellphones just answering all the work e-mails they couldn’t get to during business hours.

A report says the lack of sleep costs Americans $411 Billion a year in productivity. Mostly after they call in sick because their wife clobbered them when she caught them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

A report says the lack of sleep costs Americans $411 Billion a year in productivity. Mostly the people who have to stay up all night doing work they couldn’t finish at the office because they spent the entire day at their desk looking at Internet porn.

A study says Americans’ cholesterol levels have been falling. Mostly because they have cut back on their fat intake as it doesn’t taste anywhere near as good as the foods that are made with more sugar or salt.

A study says that insomnia can be helped with online therapy. As anyone can vouch for who has tried to stay awake for an entire hour listening to a therapist talk to them over the computer.

A study says that insomnia can be helped with online therapy. Which is ironic for the people who don’t get enough sleep because they stay up all night on their computer looking at Internet porn.

A report says knowing their personal risk of diabetes still does not inspire people to change their lifestyle. Mostly because that is less likely to kill them as quickly as their personal risk of heart attack, stroke and crashing their car while texting.

A report says China’s lack of sex education is putting millions of young people at risk. Mostly because in a country with a population of 1.3 Billion it is probably about time that they are told what caused all those people.

Researchers say that sports like swimming, tennis and aerobics can add years to a person’s life. But not as much as golf where it can take months just to get through an entire 18 holes at a public course.

Bernie Sanders says that Donald Trump’s tweets “delusional” and “insane.” Which brings up the point that the same thing could be said about Sanders for just noticing that now.

 Bernie Sanders says that Donald Trump’s tweets “delusional” and “insane.” Which is exactly what was said about anyone on election night who said Trump even had a remote chance of winning.

Loretta Lynn says she tried marijuana for the first time at age 84. Which means she must have really wanted to have that chance to finally perform a duet with Willie Nelson.

Loretta Lynn says she tried marijuana for the first time at age 84. Which means there could be a sequel to her life story called “Pizza Delivery Driver’s Daughter.”

Reba McEntire and Brooks & Dunn have extended their Las Vegas residency. Apparently they were both successful in finding a new location where they could sign a long-term lease for their double wide trailers.

Al Brodax, who brought the Beatles cartoon “Yellow Submarine” to the Big Screen has died at age 90. Which was sad, as it was only a week ago that he finally came down from the acid trip he was on that gave him the idea for the movie.

An NBA game between the 76ers and Kings in Philadelphia was postponed because of condensation on the court. Officials are looking for the person responsible who will be charged a foul for double dribble.

A leap second will be added on December 31st to align clocks more accurately with the Earth’s rotation. The news upset many people who are saying “Hasn’t 2016 been long enough already?”

Columbia, South Carolina is looking to cash in on the solar eclipse that will pass directly overhead in 2017. The city hasn’t been in the dark that much since they fought to keep the Confederate Flag flying over the state capitol building last year.

A report says the U.S. leads the world with 14.5% of all spam e-mails originating here. The other 85.5% could not be traced as they were all sent through Hillary Clinton’s private server.

A report says the Great Barrier Reef has lost 22% of its coral this year. If this keeps up, by 2020 it could become the Moderate Barrier Reef.

GoPro action cameras says it will lay off as many as 200 workers. Which means on the day they hand out the pink slips, the company letterhead will instead read “GoHome.”

MasterCard has a payment feature in Brazil and Mexico that allows people to authenticate payments with a selfie. Although it is going to be tough to convince a merchant to process a transaction where the ID photo is of someone posing with a duck face.

The International Astronomical Union has clarified 227 star names. There hasn’t been that much confusion over stars’ real names since they started putting plaques along the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Democrats are saying Donald Trump’s Cabinet nominees should release three years worth of tax returns. To which most of them are billionaires whose response to the request was “What’s a tax return?”

Two designers have come out to say they would not dress Melania Trump as First Lady. To which most people who subscribe to GQ and Max were confused, saying “She wears clothes?”

A report says if David Petraeus is named Secretary of State, he would have to notify his probation officer. That may be a good strategy. What better way to get what you want in an agreement with another country than to have the negotiator accompanied by the entire parole board?

2,300 American scientists, including 22 Nobel Prize winners have sent a letter to Donald Trump asking him to respect science. To which most Trump supporters figure they will have a chance at that right after he finally comes around to respecting women, political opponents and minorities.

Wrestling executive Linda McMahon is reportedly a top choice to head the Small Business Administration. The only problem will be for small business loan applicants who will be notified they have been turned down by being hit across the back with a folding chair.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Funny thing, yesterday I noted that it was the last day of November and here it is the next day and we are already into December. Funny how that works. I need to buy a calendar. Only 24 more days until Christmas. Which means only 27 more days until we start seeing specials advertised for Christmas 2017. I can hardly wait. The only thing I get more excited about is when I see you all remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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