Wednesday, November 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump is the next President of the United States. When George W. Bush heard the news he said “This is finally my chance to move up one place!”

Donald Trump is the next President of the United States. Even George W. Bush was saying “Those people will elect anyone.”

Donald Trump is the next President of the United States. The good news is that Hillary Clinton will get a full refund from all her pollsters.

Donald Trump is the next President of the United States. Democrats are saying we will support him building his wall to keep the Mexicans out if we can also build one around Florida, Ohio and Michigan to keep all of them in.

Donald Trump is the next President of the United States. Hillary Clinton even lost Michigan which seemed a lock. Apparently Flint isn’t the only city there which has some funny stuff in their drinking water.

Donald Trump is the next President of the United States. The electoral map shows a clear victory of rural over urban America. The difference is so obvious, the presidential theme will be changed from “Hail To The Chief!” to the theme from “Green Acres.”

Puerto Rico is choosing a new Governor in the middle of a financial crisis that has seen the country go $70 Billion in debt, causing thousands to move to the U.S. Which is different from the U.S. where we are $19 Trillion in debt but choosing a new leader is what is causing people to flee to another country.

Washington State University fraternities and sororities are banned from any social activities due to overuse of alcohol. Which is being protested by the groups as their definition of social activities is pretty much the overuse of alcohol.

Washington State University fraternities and sororities are banned from any social activities due to overuse of alcohol. The only time students there abuse alcohol more is after they find out their job prospects having a degree from Washington State.

A Canadian lab worker was possibly exposed to the Ebola virus through infected pigs. The good news is the worker is still better off than the people who eat Canadian bacon every day from healthy pigs.

A report says 15% of accounts on Twitter discussing the election were bots. The other 85% were angry tweets bashing Hillary Clinton sent out by Donald Trump.

Several universities were helping their students cope with election day stress. Now all they have to do is figure out how to help them out with the stress of trying to pay off their college tuition loans with a minimum wage job after graduation.

A Cornell Medical College seminar told doctors to prescribe exercise to their patients. Which got a good laugh from the doctors who said they would do it right after their patients took their other prescriptions to quit drinking, smoking and to knock off the junk food.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte is being criticized for saying he will honor former dictator Ferdinand Marcos with a hero’s funeral. Although it’s not like anyone is going to attend with the prospect of being inside a building along with the body of someone who died back in 1989.

86 year old billionaire Warren Buffett helped drive people to the polls using the Omaha trolley as he promised. His was the one that was going down the tracks with the turn signal that kept on flashing.

A cyberweapon failed to take down the websites of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on the eve of Election Day. To which people all across the country were saying “Too bad.”

A new Carnival cruise ship will come with its own IMAX theater, brewery, water park and golf course. Mostly to give passengers something to do while they are floating adrift for three weeks waiting to be rescued.

The CEO of Nissan says self-driving cars will give us back the two hours we spend behind the wheel each day which will “change our world.” Especially for GM vehicle owners who will save ten hours a month by letting their cars drive themselves back to the shop for the latest recalls.

A Facebook app will allow people to have their photos look like Picasso paintings. Which can already be done by anyone taking a selfie while driving right when they are distracted enough to drive into a tree.

A report says the number of American quality jobs hit its highest level this year in September. The only problem is that in this economy a quality job is now pretty much anything at Wal-Mart, McDonald’s or Taco Bell.

A report says the election drove small business uncertainty to a 42 year high. Especially all the small businesses that 42 years ago were big businesses.

Sea World says it is cutting costs because of a decline in profits. It’s getting so bad that even Shamu had to say goodbye to his personal sushi chef.

Facebook is testing a possible jobs listing feature. Mostly for the people who got fired because all they did all day on the job was post on Facebook.

A study says the increasing price of insulin is drawing criticism by the growing number of people with diabetes. Although our obesity epidemic is getting so bad that the companies may remedy it by offering insulin with a family discount.

A study says parents often miss PTSD in their children. Mostly after their kids overhear them talking about what is going to happen to the country after the election.

21 kids at a Florida preschool were sickened and taken to the hospital. At least it was pretty easy to figure out the kids weren’t there because of any overexertion.

A study says that heavier shoes can make people run slower. Just like all the people in New Jersey rivers who found out cement shoes makes swimming much more difficult.

A report says Facebook users are defriending people with opposing political viewpoints. Imagine letting political beliefs destroy a friendship with someone who lives 1,500 miles away, never met but got together over a mutual like of a cat video.

A study says women who have given birth are biologically “older” than women who haven’t. If it isn’t true at birth, it is definitely the case once their kids become teenagers.

A new government estimate says more than 3 Million Americans have Irritable Bowel Disease. And those are just the people who have been following all the election discussions on Twitter.

A new government estimate says more than 3 Million Americans have Irritable Bowel Disease. The person who had to compile that information must now be seriously regretting their chosen field of study.

A company called the Herbal Chef offers cannabis infused meals for $500 a person. Apparently it must get people pretty high to actually get them to fork over $500 a plate for pot brownies.

A company called the Herbal Chef offers cannabis infused meals for $500 a person. The only bad part is right after the meal everyone wants to call in an order to Domino’s.

A study says the added hour of darkness after Daylight Saving Time ends is hard for some people to handle. Although it is pretty apparent that after the election there are millions of Americans who are perfectly content to live in the dark.

“Game of Thrones” author George R.R. Martin ripped Donald Trump in a blog post before the election. Although after listening to how Trump plans to run the country, it’s apparent that his idea of the “Game of Thrones” is becoming the President.

Kylie Jenner posted a nude picture of herself on Instagram covered in blue paint. Although most people thought it was a pretty crass way of trying to audition for a part with Blue Man Group.

Lady Gaga wore an iconic jacket owned by Michael Jackson to a North Carolina rally for Hillary Clinton. The only problem with Lady Gaga wearing a Michael Jackson jacket in North Carolina is that she had better make sure there won’t be a need for a bathroom break.

A spinoff to “The Big Bang Theory” is reportedly being planned. So far the working titles include “The Eternal Inflation, “The Oscillating Universe” and “The Cosmological Pulsation.”

Google is putting repeatedly dangerous websites on notice. Which apparently is the digital equivalent of “double secret probation.”

Google is putting repeatedly dangerous websites on notice. That includes sites that collect personal information, monitor their activities and spy on their Internet usage. Which for most people is pretty much just Google.

Google is putting repeatedly dangerous websites on notice. Although the most dangerous website for most people is Google which they used to find the Internet porn sites their wives catch them downloading.

Refurbished iPhones are now available on Apple’s website. Most of them are in good working order, they just have a few dents and splotches of blood on their casing after being previously owned by Naomi Campbell.

Refurbished iPhones are now available on Apple’s website. In a related story, refurbished Samsung Galaxy Note 7 iPhones are now available for purchase on the ISIS website.

Google drones will note be delivering Starbucks coffee as Google and the coffee chain could not come to a business agreement. That and that Google couldn’t afford the insurance necessary to cover the cost of a missing Starbucks mocha double latte.

Bangladesh claims to have recovered cash stolen in a cyber heist. Apparently the deal had to do with a government official striking a deal to erase the country’s debt with some sort of arrangement with a prince from Nigeria.

A tech tycoon in China has cut his salary to 15 cents a year. His move seen as so forward thinking that Nike has decided to put him in charge of recruiting 6 year old workers for their next factory.

A tech tycoon in China has cut his salary to 15 cents a year. Apparently he got the idea from U.S. CEOs and will pretty much just make up for it with his $250 Million annual bonus and stock option.

The skeleton of the artist Paul Gauguin’s father has been found. The only question is who was even looking for it?


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I know many of you reading this are from countries outside of America. Which is where many of us will be headed following this election. I am personally sorry to see the direction this country is headed. Donald Trump has promised a lot of things to a lot of people with very few ideas. It’s like with my Dodgers when they lose in the playoffs. I get angry for a few seconds, sad for a few minutes and then realize it is done and there is nothing I can do to change it so I move ahead. I will keep moving ahead with this blog and hope you continue to keep reading and pass it along to your friends. The upside is that it looks like I should have plenty of new material for the next four years. Another upside is the feeling I get when you all remember to keep on sending the love!

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