Sunday, November 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A hospital in New York has banned political debates between patients for health reasons. What’s worse is having to deal with the loss in business from all the patients who will be moving out of the country once they see the election results.

The Mayor of Turin, Italy is planning to make it the first all-vegetarian city in the country. In the U.S, we have a term for vegetarian cities. Ghost towns.

Parents in Spain are protesting the excessive homework being given their children. The worst part is having to clean up the living room after they complete a two hour assignment from their class in bullfighting.

Researchers say that having sex makes people more creative. Especially the men who have to come up with a quick excuse as to why they are sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 am.

The French government has announced the creation of a database that will collect and store personal information of every citizen. What, doesn’t France have access to Google, Apple and Facebook?

Elon Musk says in the future, robots will take all our jobs and the government will pay everyone a universal basic income. To which most people are saying “And the problem with that is…?”

Elon Musk says in the future, robots will take all our jobs and the government will pay everyone a universal basic income. In other words, we will all pretty much find out what it is like to be a civil servant now.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte says he may not survive his presidency. To which most Americans are saying they know how he feels as they might not be able to survive our next presidency.

Two former aides to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were convicted of “Bridgegate,” the lane closure scandal with the George Washington Bridge. The prosecution was so successful, officials are now trying to look into who keeps shutting down traffic on the 405 Freeway in L.A. for twelve hours every day.

Trump Tower in Toronto has gone into receivership because of poor sales. The good news is that if Donald Trump is elected President the place will have full occupancy from all the Americans who will be fleeing to Canada.

Former Playboy model Dani Mathers is being charged over taking a naked photo of a woman in a gym locker room. To which Anthony Weiner says “You mean that is illegal, too?”

A report says that Clinton and Trump supporters are defriending each other on Facebook over their differences. Apparently social media was only meant for people to share less controversial topics like selfies, pictures of meals and cat videos.

An author says no matter who wins the election, the next President will be a self-promoting, conspiracy-obsessed narcissist. In other words, it almost like it is a contest involving two politicians.

A study says turning the clocks back an hour at the end of Daylight Saving Time takes a toll on people’s mental health. Especially the ones who just can’t face the possibility of having to wait another hour for the election to finally be over.

China has pledged to cut 18% of its carbon emissions by 2020. At least at that point the air will be clean enough so that the people can read billboards telling them when air pollution warnings are in effect.

Mexico’s government is reportedly working on a “contingency” plan in case Donald Trump is elected President. Which apparently is like most Americans’ plan to stock at least four years of supplies in the basement and lock all the doors until 2020.

A photo shows ABC News staged a crime scene shot using their own fake police tape. It is the biggest controversy involving ABC and phony police portrayals since “Cop Rock.”

A photo shows ABC News staged a crime scene shot using their own fake police tape. If ABC’s reporters are looking for crime scenes, all they need to do is ask to be transferred to the Detroit office.

GM has started production on the Chevy Bolt electric car which promises a range of 200 miles on a charge. As opposed to any Fiat Chrysler vehicles which promise a range of 200 miles while still under warranty.

Nielsen says it is sticking with its report that says ESPN lost 621,000 subscribers in just one month. As opposed to CNN which says it is just hoping for a month when they can claim 621 viewers.

Nielsen says it is sticking with its report that says ESPN lost 621,000 subscribers in just one month. Mostly Cubs fans who when their team finally won the World Series have no reason to ever watch another sports broadcast again.

Stocks fell for nine straight days, the longest losing streak in 36 years. Mostly from people cashing in their 401(k) and all their other investments in order to have some quick cash so they can catch the next flight out of the country after the election.

A former New York bank executive has been sentenced to four years in prison for swindling his family and friends for $38 Million. It’s the biggest fraud involving family and friends since anyone signing up for cell phone service with Verizon.

A former New York bank executive has been sentenced to four years in prison for swindling his family and friends for $38 Million. It could be even worse for his lawyer who could be disbarred and lose his license for being the first attorney to ever represent a banker who actually was convicted for anything.

A former New York bank executive has been sentenced to four years in prison for swindling his family and friends for $38 Million. To which all the executives at Wells Fargo said “Amateur!”

2.8 Million Samsung washing machines have been recalled over the risk of “impact injuries.” Mostly the people who are injured when their washing machine stops working and they call the repair number using their exploding Samsung Galaxy Note 7 cellphone.

U.S. Cellular last $13 Million for dropping the naming rights to the Chicago White Sox ballpark before their contract was up. Which brought a smile to the faces of all the U.S. Cellular customers who have ever been stuck with a $200 early termination fee.

The final jobs report before the presidential election showed a growth in salaries. The increase was credited to a stronger job market, rising inflation and businesses finally agreeing to increase the minimum wage.

The final jobs report before the presidential election showed a growth in salaries. Which is interesting in that is critical news to the billionaire and multimillionaire who are spending hundreds of millions of dollars competing for a job that pays $400,000 a year.

A study says it is as healthy to eat bugs as it is steak. Which is perfect timing for the introduction of the new Taco Bell grilled steak soft taco.

A study says how hot food is cooked can contribute to the risk of heart disease. Mostly for the stress of trying to payoff the medical bills piling up from being treated for E.coli from eating undercooked food.

A study says that menopause lowers a woman’s sex drive. Mostly from the fact they realize they are now stuck with only getting to have sex with old men.

A study says a lack of sleep may contribute to a larger waistline. Especially if the lack of sleep has anything to do with the person sleeping only four hours a night because they need the other 20 hours to get through all their snacks.

A study says worrying about becoming ill is linked to a 70% higher risk of heart disease. Which then means all those people can say “I was right!”

Rami Malek has been cast to play Freddie Mercury in the Queen biopic “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Wait until Charlie Sheen finds out all his pre-audition role preparations didn’t land him the part.

Tori Spelling is reportedly being sued by American Express for an $87,000 credit card debt. The one thing that is known is that the card was not used to pay for any acting lessons.

Tori Spelling is reportedly being sued by American Express for an $87,000 credit card debt. Hollywood insiders were shocked at the news. Who gave Tori Spelling an $87,000 line of credit?

“The Simpsons” has been renewed for its 30th season. In just three decades Homer has evolved from his status as a bumbling, incompetent worker, father and husband to now representing the average American voter.

An 85 year old life-long Cubs fan died just hours after the team won the World Series last week. Cubs General Manager Theo Epstein is now being investigated for involuntary manslaughter.

An 85 year old life-long Cubs fan died just hours after the team won the World Series last week. The family is sending a note of thanks to Steve Bartman for giving him another 13 years of life.

The water in the Chicago River was dyed blue for the Cubs victory parade last week. The river is dyed green for St. Patrick’s Day which makes it two days this year the water will be a different color than than its usual yellow/green/brown tint.

Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo gave the ball from the final out of the World Series which is estimated to be worth millions of dollars to team owner Tom Ricketts. Or as the billionaire commented on receiving the gift, “Oh, great. Just what I need, another paper weight.”

A report says Melania Trump worked as a model in the U.S. before receiving a work visa. Which goes along with Donald Trump’s amended immigration policy of dealing with undocumented workers with a wall, deportation or marriage.

A report says a mysterious sound is being picked up over the Canadian Arctic. It is being described as a “ping” or “hum” by some, a “beep” by others while everyone else is pretty sure it’s an “Eh?”

The White House is preparing for the transition of social media with the new President taking office next year. Which would make for an interesting bit of trivia history if Donald Trump wins as “which World War was started on Twitter?”

The White House is preparing for the transition of social media with the new President taking office next year. The only problem is if Hillary Clinton wins to make sure Bill has a different account so none of the pictures he is swapping with Anthony Weiner go public.

Archaeologists say a stone with scratch marks found in Denmark could be a 5,000 year old map. They came to their conclusions after they found the stone was broken into pieces when the user became frustrated at not being able to fold it correctly.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only two days until the election. Is over. That’s the important part. I guess you may have heard that it is coming up. The only questions for most Americans is based on who wins, will it be necessary to just leave the country or the entire planet? I, for one will be staying because why leave with at least another four years of great material being dropped right onto my lap? The good news is that you will still be able to get my blog anywhere in the universe there is Wi-Fi. That means you will have no excuse to not continue to keep on always sending the love!


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