Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Texas man has been jailed for using Twitter to harass others. That kind of behavior could get him sentenced to four years as President of the United States.

Scientists say religion has the same impact on the brain as sex, drugs and music. Which is interesting as most people going to church hear the same sermon each week warning them about the dangers of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

The world’s oldest person has turned 117. The Italian woman lives on a diet of eating two raw eggs every day. When you are that old, you don’t even have three minutes to invest into the future to wait until they are done boiling.

The world’s oldest person has turned 117. She is the last person on the planet born in the 19th century. When told about Facebook, she says she remembers the only way to inform everyone of what you had for breakfast was sending out the message in Morse Code over the telegraph.

A blood test claims to be able to predict if a person will be alive in five years. Mostly when the drawing of the test sample takes 15 minutes to complete because the patient’s blood cholesterol has the viscosity of maple syrup.

Astronauts in space are reportedly being spooked by a mysterious knocking sound. Which brings up the question to those on the International Space Station, “Did anyone remember to let Steve back in after his space walk?”

Researchers say a huge solar storm could wipe out modern technology by the year 2020. It could disrupt business, travel, and what’s worse, would force people to actually have to learn to talk to each other for the first time since 2003.

Kanye West reportedly is still hospitalized and is not considered stable enough to go home. If they are waiting for Kanye to become stable before they release him, Kim Kardashian may want to start stocking up on a whole lot of Snickers bars. 

Kanye West reportedly is still hospitalized and is not considered stable enough to go home. If being unstable is the reason he is in the hospital, the question is what took them this long to get him there?

Researchers say going to bed mad makes things worse. Which hopefully for the scientists working on the project, hopefully they work out their anger before going to bed about not winning a Nobel Prize on this one.

Some bombings of Starbucks coffee shops in New Mexico are being traced to ISIS. Which shows that even terrorists draw the line at having to pay $7.50 just to take care of their daily caffeine addiction.

A report says 85 languages are spoken by the children at public schools in Buffalo, New York. The good news is that the kids can all learn 85 different ways to say “When is it ever going to stop snowing?”

A Fiat heir reportedly faked his own kidnapping to get his family to pay a $10,000 ransom. The sad part is that the company’s board of directors told him they were going to ask if he had an extra $10,000 he could loan the company.

A woman on a United Airlines flight was arrested after jumping out of a plane’s emergency exit door and running towards the terminal. To which the other passengers on the flight yelled out “Send help!”

A woman on a United Airlines flight was arrested after jumping out of a plane’s emergency exit door and running towards the terminal. Apparently she was just in a hurry to see her family and catch up on all that had happened in the six months since she started her flight.

A woman on a United Airlines flight was arrested after jumping out of a plane’s emergency exit door and running towards the terminal. Apparently she was just trying to avoid having to pay the new United deplaning-at-the-gate fee.

Queen Elizabeth II has signed off on a measure giving sweeping digital surveillance powers to British intelligence agencies to perform almost limitless spying on the public. Upon signing the bill, the Queen said “Let’s see how the rest of you like it!”

Some elderly Cuban exiles have bittersweet memories of their homeland, and with the passing of Fidel Castro have nostalgia that brings them back all the good memories. Which were pretty much all the times right up to when Castro took over.

A $421 Million Powerball jackpot is being shared by 20 workers at an auto parts manufacturing plant in Tennessee. Donald Trump immediately took credit for devising the way for those Americans to be able to survive when their jobs are shipped off to Mexico.

A recall has been issued for millions of dehumidifiers that can overheat, smoke and catch fire. The good news is that they really do get rid of any excess moisture in the house.

A report says housing prices have reached a new high, exceeding levels seen during the housing boom. Which people mostly remember was right before all the housing went boom!

A report says housing prices have reached a new high, exceeding the records of the housing boom. Which is perfect timing for the people who have waited out the seven years of bankruptcy since their foreclosure and are finally ready to try it all again.

A report says the deadliest animals in the U.S. are bees, hornets and wasps. Mostly the bees, and that is just from all the health problems from people having honey rum cake every night for dessert.

A report says the deadliest animals in the U.S. are bees, hornets and wasps. If you don’t think WASPS are deadly, just wait until you see the damage afflicted by the members of Donald Trump’s Cabinet.

Hundreds of workers went on strike at O’Hare International Airport in Chicago Tuesday to protest low wages, but no flight operations were affected. Fortunately for United passengers, the workers on strike were baggage handlers, janitors and cabin cleaners so it wasn’t like there was anything different.

A worker in Connecticut admitted to taking food stamps in exchange for bongs and hookahs. He was caught when the people said they really needed their food stamps back to buy some snacks once they were done using the bongs and hookahs.

Cyber Monday was the biggest online sales day in history. You know there were some good deals when even men decided they would rather spend their time online shopping rather than looking at Internet porn, gambling online or checking their Ashley Madison account.

A study says that moderate drinking is no better for the heart than not drinking at all. To which most moderate drinkers say in the name of science that means it is time to take the test to the next level to check out how it is with heavy drinking.

Researchers say they have found a gene which explains why some people drink more than others. Apparently it is the same gene that determines who has red hair, eat potatoes and speak with an Irish brogue.

Niall Horan says One Direction hasn’t called it quits yet. Mostly because once the band broke up and he would tell people he is Niall Horan, there first question would always be “Who?”

Carrie Fisher says her affair with Harrison Ford during the filming of “Star Wars” was “pure lust.” At least on her part. Apparently Ford was more interested in the challenge of seeing how long it would take him to undo that hairdo with the two buns on the side of her head.

Rapper Tyga is being sued for failure to make his payments on a leased Ferrari. People were surprised. Who would actually be dumb enough to lease a Ferrari to a rapper?

“Star Wars” actress Felicity Jones says she wants to be “paid fairly.” To which most people who are struggling to make ends meet say making millions of dollars to act in a few scenes of a movie sounds pretty fair to them.

“Star Wars” actress Felicity Jones says she wants to be “paid fairly.” That depends on your definition of “fair.” For instance, moviegoers say it would be pretty much a fair deal if Adam Sandler took in about $8.50 an hour for his films.

The new NHL team is considering the name the Golden Knights, which could cause a conflict with the Army’s skydiving team of the same name. Causing even more confusion with the skydivers is the use of the term “terminal velocity” to describe the speed of the NHL’s TV ratings in free-fall.

The NFL says it will ditch the early morning game times in London. Mostly because everyone knows it’s hard to get the English to do anything before afternoon tea.

Bernie Sanders is launching a new attack to stop offshore outsourcing. The first item on his agenda is to stop the apparent outsourcing that will take the presidency out of the White House and ship it over to Trump Tower.

Ford says it will start testing self-driving cars on European roads sometime next year. The only problem is bringing those cars back to the states and making sure they don’t get into a bunch of head on crashes driving the wrong way.

A new site called Gab allows people banned on Twitter for hateful content to post whatever they want. Although how bad do you have to be on Twitter when even Donald Trump has managed to keep his account all through the election?

Google has developed an algorithm to spot an eye conditions that can cause blindness. Ironically, the condition is brought on mostly by sitting in front of a computer and searching on Google all day.

Researchers say time travelers could use parallel dimensions to visit the past. Or they can just wait until the Trump Administration takes power and the entire country will be transported back to 1936.

True Ink magazine is asking its readers to help with information to solve the case of plane hijacker D.B. Cooper. The case is of particular interest these days in that airline passengers are fascinated with the story of a man who actually left a flight with more money than he brought onboard.

The Chinese are reporting a 1,000% increase in cyber attacks. The government has figured out a way to get around any such attacks in the future. The only problem is the 15 years it will take for China to come up with a national budget using an abacus.

The Chinese are reporting a 1,000% increase in cyber attacks. Mostly from the fact that the number of people in China who have security clearance to go online has increased from 5 to 50.

Mitt Romney says that after meeting with Donald Trump, “America’s best days are ahead of us.” Unfortunately, those best days will only last until Trump becomes President on January 20th.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will take over as the new host of “Celebrity Apprentice” in January. Producers realize the mistake they made last time and have now chosen a host who isn’t eligible to run for President.

An “overwhelmed” Kim Kardashian says she is worried about letting her kids around Kanye West. People were surprised. She is just figuring that out now?

An “overwhelmed” Kim Kardashian says she is worried about letting her kids around Kanye West. Which to be fair, Kanye is pretty much saying “and vice versa.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the last day of November. Eleven months down, one to go. The only problem is that month includes Christmas. That means all I have to do is hunker down inside another 25 days until the holiday rush is over before I can go back out into the world again without the fear of being run over by a horde of mall shoppers looking for that last bargain. In the meantime, while I am going into hermit mode you can always let me know you are still out there by making sure to always keep sending the love!


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