Thursday, November 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Chicago Cubs won the World Series, taking game 7 in extra innings that included a rain delay. When you have waited 108 years to be a winner, who needs to rush things?

An Indiana priest says requests for exorcisms are at an all-time high. Mostly people who are worried about the consequences of what will happen to them after they cast their vote next week.

An Indiana priest says requests for exorcisms are at an all-time high. Although the church gets the same results when they just give the person a bus ticket out of Indiana.

A report says more Americans age 65 and older are getting plastic surgery. Those people are called Cher.

A report says more Americans age 65 and older are getting plastic surgery. Mostly so they can look 40 again to reapply for the job they lost for being too old when they turned 50.

Moody’s says a restaurant recession is on the way. You know it’s time to get concerned about the economy when Americans start cutting back on how often they go out to eat.

A Taco Bell employee in Utah was arrested after fighting with a customer. It was the first time someone at Taco Bell has been arrested for assault other than after serving someone a Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

A Denver prosecutor says he will not arrest people for taking voting booth selfies. Mostly because the people who take selfies are the last people who are community minded enough to vote in the first place.

A report says the Pentagon may ease recruiting rules for the obese, single parents and pot smokers. Mostly because that pretty much describes all the Millennials who want to enlist for a career in the military.

A report says the Pentagon may ease recruiting rules for the obese, single parents and pot smokers. Which should cause more than a little alarm as those are the people who will be fighting in our next war.

A report says Taylor Swift made $170 Million so far this year. Not only that, she gets to deduct the cost of all dates she pays for as a business expense to get new material for all her songs.

The FDA has approved a disposable patch that monitors patients’ vital signs after they leave the hospital. The patches can be tossed just as soon as they are no longer useful when they patient’s insurance policy expires.

A report says Venezuela owes more than $11 Billion in bond payments which is more than they have in the treasury. To which the U.S. says they need to be careful because when you do that, before you know it you are $20 Trillion in the red.

A survey says half of all parents will spend whatever they need to get their kids’ complete wish list for Christmas, spending an average of $422 for each child. Which goes up to ten times that amount when their children decide they want something from the Apple Store.

A survey says half of all parents will spend whatever they need to get their kids’ complete wish list for Christmas, spending an average of $422 for each child. What happened to the old days when Christmas meant a toy firetruck, Duncan Yo-yo and some Silly Putty under the tree?

Tests show the fastest accelerating police car is the Ford Taurus with a turbocharged V-6 engine.  It can go a reported 4.5 seconds to go zero to the closest donut shop.

A report says airport crowds are expected to grow 2.5% for the Thanksgiving holiday. Although most of that will be the travelers flying United Airlines who are still left over trying to get home from their Labor Day trip.

A cryogenic company in Russia will freeze an entire body for $36,000 and a head for $12,000. The only problem is that the costs are kept down by just putting the body parts outside through the entire Moscow winter.

A cryogenic company in Russia will freeze an entire body for $36,000 and a head for $12,000. Which means that for under $50,000 the future will hold another Walt Disney movie and Ted Williams .400 season for us.

A report says the U.S. job creation index is near a post-recession high. People were surprised. When exactly was the date the recession actually ended?

Some people are boycotting Starbucks because of a new “unity” cup that was introduced before the election. How bad has it gotten when even a coffee cup design  is causing a rift between political lines?

Some people are boycotting Starbucks because of a new “unity” cup that was introduced before the election. Remember the good old days when we all put aside our political differences and got in line together to be overcharged the same $5 for a plain cup of coffee?

A study says young adults with drinking problems may see health effects later in life. Especially when they developed the drinking problem because they know they will be struggling to pay off their college tuition loans well past middle age.

A study says loneliness may be an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when someone is lonely because they can’t remember who their friends are and where they hang out.

A study says women may get misleading results from treadmill stress tests. Mostly from the fact that most Americans get stressed at the thought of even getting onto a treadmill.

A study says the risk of kids gaining weight is greater during the summer months than while they are in school. The good news is that parents can use the summer break to teach their kids about exponential multiplication when they put their children on the bathroom scale.

A study says the risk of kids gaining weight is greater during the summer months than while they are in school. Parents can end that easily the minute they replace the living room couch with one of those old fashioned wood school desks.

A study says that people who sleep poorly tend to eat more the next day. Especially the ones who consider tossing and turning exercise and feel they need to offset it with carbo-loading.

A Texas couple who were married for 74 years died on the same day. To which the man said “For just once can we do something by ourselves?”

A report says premature births in the U.S. have risen for the first time in eight years. How bad has it gotten when even our fetuses are feeling pressure to get things done faster?

A study says Americans avoid fragrances in the workplace. Especially when their cubicle is next to the person who insists on eating lunch every day at Taco Bell.

A study says fitness trackers could help people live longer if they are used. As could the spare room in their home where they keep their treadmill, weights, rowing machine, stationary bike, rowing machine…

Maria Shriver is challenging corporate America to take on Alzheimer’s Disease. Which is ironic in that most corporate CEOs have an excellent memory recall until they are called onto the witness stand.

A report says Mariah Carey intends to keep the $10 Million, 35 carat diamond engagement ring given to her by ex-fiancee James Packer. Which is a lot better than the majority of women who leave a relationship with only the text message they got informing them of the breakup.

Vogue UK says that cleavage is “over.” Apparently magazine sales aren’t the only thing that has gone flat.

Vogue UK says that cleavage is “over,” and that women will be covering up their breasts more in favor of showing their arms and legs. To which men around the world are saying, “Thanks a lot, Donald Trump.”

Warren Beatty says Annette Bening and their children is the best thing that has ever happened to him. At least after he gave up the single life and dating Julie Christie, Brit Ekland, Michelle Phillips, Elle MacPherson, Diane Sawyer, Jane Fonda…

Mel Gibson’s advice to his younger self would be to “shut up.” Now all he has to do is figure out that is still pretty good advice to his older self.

Ellen DeGeneres says she hit “rock bottom” when she came out. As opposed to Hollywood stars back in the 1950s who knew they were gay after they hit Rock Hudson.

Bill Cosby’s lawyers say they want to suppress testimony about his use of Quaaludes. The worst part is that they want to suppress the testimony by having witnesses before testifying go out with Cosby for a few drinks.

Tom Brady left a pair of Uggs boots in the locker of each of his teammates. Which were received a lot better than last year’s gift of an inflation needle and air pressure gauge.

A California judge has upheld a ban on taking selfies in the voting booth. Which means that whoever is being supported by the Kardashian family is about to lose a whole lot of votes.

A new smartphone attachment can reportedly detect some forms of cancer. Mostly in the people who never leave the couch and have a smartphone up against their head or in front of their face for 20 hours a day.

A report says Facebook has topped 1 Billion monthly mobile users. Mostly men who are scared to death their wives will see who they are chatting and messaging if they keep using their desktop.

Actor Wilmer Valderrama, who came to the U.S. from Venezuela says immigrants are a gift to the country. What other country is there where an immigrant can find work and also date Mandy Moore, Demi Lovato and Mila Kunis?

After six years of consideration, the bison has been designated the national mammal of the U.S. Which finally answers any question anyone has ever had as to why nothing of substance ever gets done in Washington, D.C.

After six years of consideration, the bison has been designated the national mammal of the U.S. The news surprised most Americans. They couldn’t believe an animal could qualify for that designation and not even be a source of bacon.

A New York woman was offered a steak dinner as consolation after it was ruled she didn’t win $43 Million on a slot machine that malfunctioned. The woman tried to negotiate for free tickets to the all-you-can-eat buffet for her entire family but the casino figured at that point they would be better off giving her the $43 Million.

A New York woman was offered a steak dinner as consolation after it was ruled she didn’t win $43 Million on a slot machine that malfunctioned. The worst part was that the steak restaurant also malfunctioned and served her a sirloin made of tofu.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs for winning the World Series. After waiting 108 years to win the championship again, there was just one thought on the minds of most Cubs fans. “Now what?” Don’t worry, you will have all the way until 2124 to think about that. My Dodgers came close but just didn’t have it this year. At least we are in a drought that goes back only 28 years so it doesn’t seem quite so bad. In the meantime, you can help me get through the offseason by making sure to always keep on sending the love!



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