Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Microsoft admits its Chinese language chatbot filters out certain government censored topics. Mostly politics, and religion and anything other than how great it is to live in China.

Microsoft admits its Chinese language chatbot filters out certain government censored topics. To which Donald Trump is saying “Can we do that with Twitter?”

Fears are mounting there could be multiple bank failures in Italy if a constitutional referendum doesn’t pass. Economists were surprised at the news. There are Italian banks that are still solvent?

Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a 7,000 year old lost city on the Nile. Apparently it was abandoned for the usual reason a 7,000 year old city in the Middle East fails. It was just too far ahead of its time.

Donald Trump met with David Petraeus about a possible appointment as Secretary of State. His first assignment will try to negotiate peace with all the other nominees who are being considered for Cabinet posts.

Donald Trump met with David Petraeus about a possible appointment as Secretary of State. Trump wants to see if he has what it takes to negotiate a peace agreement. Now with the Middle East, but with Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania over the vote recount.

An American Airlines jet flew the first commercial flight from Miami to Havana in more than 50 years. It was on its way to pick up passengers traveling between the two cities and pick up luggage left over from the last time United flew to Cuba.

The NFL is reportedly considering ending Thursday Night Football. Mostly because that’s the night women are demanding their husbands spend time with the family after finally recovering from watching 80 college and pro football games Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

A study says it is now normal for people to date as many as six people at a time. Which means thanks to Match.com, eHarmony and Tinder most men barely have any time left to spend with their wives.

Police in New York are looking for a woman who was pickpocketing people outside the theater where “Hamilton” is playing. Although the victims weren’t that upset as she was getting less than the $350 they were forking out for each ticket to the play.

Delta has banned a passenger for life after he went on a pro-Donald Trump rant on a recent flight. Which is no big deal as he now has a free pass to go anywhere he wants on Air Force One.

Delta has banned a passenger for life after he went on a pro-Donald Trump rant on a recent flight. Which means for the next several weeks you can expect to see dozens of people screaming out pro-Trump slogans on every flight on United Airlines.

Jill Stein has raised $6 Million for vote recounts in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania. At least they say it is $6 Million but won’t be sure until they raise more cash to recount the money.

Dictionary.com has chosen “xenophobia” as the word of the year. Apparently it finished just ahead of “wall,” “racism” and “deportation.”

Dictionary.com has chosen “xenophobia” as the word of the year. The only problem is that most people will never know that as they have no idea how to spell xenophobia to even look up its meaning.

A Bud Light contest will give the winner Super Bowl tickets for the next 51 years. Which is sad for Cleveland Browns fans who feel if they want to see their team in the Super Bowl they will need tickets for at least twice that amount of time.

The people of Cuba are mourning the death of former dictator Fidel Castro. They are in the streets celebrating all the dreams he made possible. Mostly allowing them to live long enough to be able to attend his funeral.

A poet has made a video that is calling out Americans’ addiction to technology. Which no one would ever even know that he wrote the poem if he hadn’t made a digital video and posted it online.

Researchers say that having a younger boss is not only awkward for some, but can hamper job performance. Which is bad news for everyone who is going to have trouble finding an older boss when they won’t be able to retire until they reach 90.

Researchers say that having a younger boss is not only awkward for some, but can hamper job performance. Which at least is not a problem for Nike workers in China as it is going to be hard to find management material in anyone under age 6.

Researchers say that having a younger boss is not only awkward for some, but can hamper job performance. Especially when the boss always has to take off before 6:00 because they get in trouble with their parents if they are late for dinner.

Researchers say that having a younger boss is not only awkward for some, but can hamper job performance. Which only becomes a problem when the boss can’t work late because they need to be home by 8:00 on a school night.

A survey says 20% of the people who share a credit card have gone online to snoop on their partner’s spending. Which sounds really covert and clever until you figure they could also just wait for the monthly statement.

A survey says that sharing a credit card with someone else makes them feel closer to that person. Especially when they have someone there with them to help go through their foreclosure, repossession and bankruptcy proceedings.

A survey says Americans will spend an average of $752 on Christmas gifts this year. Which means when added to the balance for holiday spending they have been carrying since 1985, they will be able to pay it off sometime around 2037.

Researchers say they have found a new way to detect brain injuries in NFL players. At least they can tell with the ones who are renegotiating another contract to play with the Browns.

A study says exercise may prevent inflammation that comes with overeating. And people can really tell they are overeating when the inflammation is with their fingers, wrist and elbow from shoveling so much food into their mouth.

A study says that girls who are close to their mothers may wait longer to have sex. As opposed to the ones who have sex much earlier when they start getting close to all their mom’s boyfriends.

A study says the sperm quality of Chinese men appears to be getting worse. Although how bad can it be if they have managed to use it to make 1.3 Billion people and counting?

A study says the sperm quality of Chinese men appears to be getting worse. To which Kevin Federline is saying “Mr. Chairman, tear down that Great Wall!”

A Georgia couple was married in the supermarket where they met. Although the marriage got off to a rocky start when the bride stopped the ceremony to tell the groom she told him to pick up some bread and milk before the wedding.

A Georgia couple was married in the supermarket where they met. The only problem was when it was discovered the bakery section only had one available cake that had SpongeBob wishing happy birthday to Johnny.

A study says a little alcohol every day can cut the risk of stroke. So can a lot of alcohol every day when it causes the person to die from heart disease, kidney failure or cirrhosis of the liver before they live long enough to have a stroke.

Caitlyn Jenner has announced the release date of her memoirs. The only problem for the publisher is deciding whether to market it as Sci-Fi, Horror or Satire.

Josh Duggar reunited with his family for Thanksgiving. Which just meant all his nieces invited to the dinner just had to remember to bring a salad, dessert and restraining order.

An idea has been proposed to the NFL to award one point for a “field goal” scored on a kickoff. Which is great news for Cleveland Browns fans who may finally get to see their team at least have a chance to score a point every game.

A report says “philosophical differences” led to the firing of the NHL Florida Panthers coach Gerard Gallant. Apparently Gallant was more into the teachings of Voltaire while the players and front office tended to follow Albert Camus.

AT&T is launching a streaming service that gives 120 channels for $70 a month. So now people can still have the same feeling of being cheated on their monthly bill only with a company that cares about their customers even less.

AT&T is launching a streaming service that gives 120 channels for $70 a month. Which is great news for people who want 53 shopping channels, 42 religious programming networks and 25 stations that only play reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show.”

Researchers say that ants were farming 3 Million years before humans were on the Earth. Which just shows why so many people are realizing that it’s just hard to get anywhere with a career in agriculture.

Researchers say that ants were farming 3 Million years before humans were on the Earth. Although they aren’t any good at it. Has anyone who has ever had an “ant farm” ever seen them come up with any sort of harvest?

The tech industry, which supported Hillary Clinton during the election now reportedly wants to work with Donald Trump. For one thing, they want to know how he became the only person to ever actually make any money with Twitter.

Apple is providing an app that lets users boycott Donald Trump by listing all the businesses with which he is affiliated. Which sounds like a lot more work than if those people would have put down their smartphones for two minutes on election day and actually voted.

Donald Trump reportedly is targeting a repeal of the Net Neutrality agreement. Although everyone knows there is no neutrality on the Internet as long as Trump has the ability to send tweets.

A Japanese skating rink has caused controversy by freezing dead sea animals in the ice. Until now, the only animal ever associated with ice skating is the occasional flying camel.

A report says Japan’s defense forces may have been hacked. Which will teach them to make their secret password “ichi, ni, san, chi.” (that’s 1,2,3,4. It’s getting bad when I have to explain the jokes…!)

The Wisconsin Election Commission says it wants $3.5 Million for a ballot recount. As opposed to Chicago where you can pay in advance and get the results you want before the voting even starts.

Jill Stein is suing to force a vote recount by hand in Wisconsin. To which the election commission there is saying “There’s another way?”

The GAO says the EPA’s renewable fuel program is set to fail. Which is no big deal as the EPA has about six months left in existence the minute Donald Trump sets foot in the White House.

A lawmaker says the Defense Department plagiarized Wikipedia in a report submitted to Congress. That’s not new, as the Defense Department has also been accused of taking the strategy for the Iraq war from Napleon’s plans for Waterloo.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another sad note from the entertainment world. Ron Glass, who played dapper Detective Ron Harris on “Barney Miller” has died at age 71. It’s been a rough year for celebrities. Not the ones who have died, the ones who like the rest of us are preparing for life under President Trump. Glass was a classy character on a funny show, which during the 1970s was how people were entertained. Meaning those were the times when families could talk to each other at least during the commercial breaks before interpersonal communications were cut off by the invention of the smartphone. Oh, yes. RIP Ron Glass. Lots of great episodes on that show. Lots of laughs. Which most of you are now asking why can’t we get that here? I can’t answer that. But what you can get is my eternal gratitude when you all take the time to always keep on sending the love!


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