Sunday, November 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has died at age 90. Donald Trump immediately took credit, saying that was one of his campaign promises.

Former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has died at age 90. He will be given a military funeral and be buried at sea. Meaning his body will be tossed from an oil drum and Styrofoam raft.

Former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has died at age 90. He took control of the island in 1959, saying free elections would take place within 18 months. So he was off by 55 ½ years.

Former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has died at age 90. Under his rule, the U.S. never attacked the island. Which, fortunately for him was mostly the result of Cuba never finding any large reserves of oil.

Swedish developers have come up with a way for people to wipe themselves off the Internet. Which is no secret, as anyone without an account on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram is pretty much ignored by the rest of the world anyways.

Computer scientists trying to electronically replicate the human brain are reportedly close to creating a “living PC.” Which just consists of being able to log itself onto Facebook and check out what everyone else ate for breakfast.

David Petraeus is reportedly in the running for Secretary of State. The good news is that unlike the Clintons, he would come in office already having gone through a trial for sexual misconduct and improperly handling confidential material.

Lenders are starting to look at customers’ cellphone data to determine their credit worthiness. Mostly because people who spend all their time looking at Facebook while playing Candy Crush and Pokemon Go are more than likely to be out of a job in the next few months.

Researchers say that magic mushrooms can help people with severe depression. Mostly when they find out using the mushrooms means they no longer have to spend all their money on therapists and antidepressant pills.

A survey says an increasing number of Millennials are getting married with prenuptial agreements. Apparently they are worried about getting divorced and losing their anime collection, Whole Foods card and Netflix account.

A report says TV sports are losing the ability to attract younger viewers. Mostly the people under 30 who are saying “What are sports?”

John Madden says oversaturation is the reason the NFL is losing ratings. The only thing that has more oversaturation is the fat content of the Thanksgiving dinners Madden made famous with the main course turducken.

Japan is bribing elderly drivers to give up their licenses in return for free ramen noodles. Which could only be done in the U.S. in exchange for unlimited transportation to shuffleboard, bingo and the early bird dinner.

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein has filed a recount request with Wisconsin. Apparently she wants to know if she actually ended up with three or four votes there.

A report says gun sales increased on Black Friday this year. Mostly by the people buying protection before they were going to fight the crowds to do the rest of their Back Friday shopping at the mall.

German airline Lufthansa’s pilots walked off the job grounding 2,600 flights along with 315,000 passengers since Wednesday. Or as United Airlines calls that, “Wednesday.”

A Geneva based encrypted e-mail service claims to be “NSA proof.” Or people can save their money and just use AOL which the NSA’s attitude about is “why bother?”

A study says elder abuse is often missed during hospital ER visits. Mostly because it’s nothing like the abuse the elderly are inflicted with when they receive their ER doctor’s bill.

A study says LASIK eye surgery patients may develop side effects, including seeing double and halos around objects. To which their doctors are saying that the halos just mean their work is yet another miracle.

A study says LASIK eye surgery patients may develop side effects, including seeing double and halos around objects. To which their doctors are saying about the double vision that they need to get rid of the rabbit ears and fork out the money for cable.

A new skin patch tests the wearers’ sweat to track their health and fitness. Although the time to get the most amount of sweat would be to wear the patch right when they are through with their eight course Thanksgiving dinner.

A study says chronic gum disease is tied with erectile dysfunction. Although it’s hard to tell because it’s not like anyone with rotting teeth and bleeding gums is going to get close to any women in the first place.

A study says it is safe for patients having their appendix removed to go home from the hospital the same day. Mostly because surgeons have now perfected the procedure where they can remove the appendix at the same time they also take out everything inside the patient’s wallet.

A study says that U.S. kids are eating healthier, but are still nowhere near perfect. The only problem is that they have been able to get kids to cut back on sugar and fat only because they don’t taste as good with all the salt they like to use.

A study says strokes are declining among the elderly but increasing with those younger. Mostly because the younger patients who are having strokes don’t live long enough to have any when they are older.

Kanye West spent Thanksgiving in the hospital from exhaustion. He must be getting older. Remember the days when he would hardly break a sweat running up on the stage two or three times in the same night protesting not winning an award?

Russian President Vladimir Putin made actor Steven Seagal a Russian citizen. Which has caused many Americans to rethink the relationship between Donald Trump and Putin, saying they underestimated some of the benefits it might bring.

European soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo put on a disguise to visit Disneyland. Apparently he wanted to see why people who don’t mind standing in line three hours for a ride are so difficult to get interested in watching a soccer match.

European soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo put on a disguise to visit Disneyland. Apparently he didn’t realize that Americans don’t recognize anyone who isn’t on a reality TV show, has a Youtube channel or has released a sex tape.

A report says vinyl record sales were at their highest this year since 1988. Which shows that Donald Trump was elected simply because Americans are obsessed with wanting to go back to 1955.

A report says vinyl record sales were at their highest this year since 1988. Mostly because people under 30 who have never seen a record player think it is the latest advancement in new technology.

Black Friday online sales passed $3 Billion for the first time ever this year. In a related story, with fewer people fighting it out in stores the Black Friday hospital ER billing for the first time came in under $3 Billion.

Target says it sold 3,200 TV sets per minute in the first hour it was open on Thanksgiving. Mostly to people who wanted to take their new flat screens home to see video of all the Black Friday mall riots and brawls on the late news.

Apple was offering shoppers gift cards worth $150 for Black Friday purchases of certain items. The only problem is going through an Apple Store looking for something to buy that doesn’t cost more than $150.

A rare skeleton of a dodo bird some for $431,000. Apparently it was bought by someone who just wanted to finally have the chance to break a wishbone on Thanksgiving.

Scientists are planning to create the first aquatic species map. Not only that, but they will also list which dish each of them can be found in at the Red Lobster.

A theory says the reason for Viking raids was because of a shortage of eligible women. Which means all that plundering and violence was pretty much the 8th century version of Tinder.

Researchers are working on an app to prevent people from being killed while taking dangerous selfies. Although nothing is more harmful for men than when their wives get hold of their cellphone and see the selfies they have taken with other women.

The Secret Service is considering renting a floor of Trump Tower in Manhattan to protect the future First Family. Which shows that the only reason Trump really ran for President was to finally lease out his most stubborn vacancies.

The Secret Service is considering renting a floor of Trump Tower in Manhattan to protect the future First Family. Not only is it in the same building as the Trumps, agents will have easy access to bring in prostitutes without having to drive anywhere after getting drunk all night.

A study says Minnesota drivers are the best in the country. At least while they are in Minnesota. It’s a different story when they have to go to a different state and actually have to drive on pavement instead of nothing but ice and snow.

A study says that Utah is ripe for devastation. Although scientists who have come to that conclusion need to be asked “Have you ever seen Utah?”

A study says that Utah is ripe for devastation. The good news for men there is that if an earthquake is strong enough to shake four wives out of bed there will be another three still on the mattress.

A study says coconut crabs have the strongest pinch. Which means that researchers have finally completely run out of theories to test.

A study says coconut crabs have the strongest pinch. Although disappointed, French men were still somewhat satisfied in finishing a strong second.

A study says dogs have episodic-like memory. Which was pretty much already known by any dog owner who has ever said the words “cookie,” “walk” or “let’s go for a ride.”

A study says 80% of students can’t tell fake news from what is real. The other 20% are philosophy majors who keep asking “What do you mean by ‘real’?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from the world of entertainment with the death of Florence Henderson, aka Carol Brady from “The Brady Bunch.” She lived the dream of every woman back in the 1970s. Being middle class but still being able to afford a live-in maid. On the flip side, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro passed away at age 90. He lived every man’s dream of even though he lived in a poor country had unlimited access to Cuban cigars. Even though conservatives hated Castro, he was able to do what they keep talking about. Giving the finger to the U.S. government for the past 50 years. I enjoy an occasional cigar, but it is nothing to the way I feel every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


  

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