Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has written a nine page letter to Donald Trump, demanding an end to “hostile nuclear threats.” On the positive side, he also offered to sit down and exchange ideas on hair conditioning, moisturizing and coloring.

A report says almost half the world will be online by the end of this year. The other half will just have to find a way to go through life without reading fake news stories, get unsolicited Viagra ads and watching cat videos all day.

A report says tourism and commercialization is killing the Dead Sea. Although some are dismissing that claim saying it is pretty much just redundant.

The Catholic Church has introduced an app called Sindr, which allows people to make an urgent confession. Which comes just in time for all the people who are planning to steal items and assault other customers on Black Friday.

The Catholic Church has introduced an app called Sindr, which allows people to make an urgent confession. Which will be very convenient for sinners who can then just text back three Our Fathers and two Hail Marys.

The Catholic Church has introduced an app called Sindr, which allows people to make an urgent confession. Which is good news for people who can now use their smartphone to confess they just ran over a group of people in a crosswalk when they were texting while driving.

A study says eating certain types of cheese can make for a longer life. The one exception to the research is when pieces of that cheese are placed in a mouse trap.

Several world leaders are calling for the end of the criminalization of drugs. At least for the next four years to help their people get over the idea of Donald Trump leading the U.S.

Several world leaders are calling for the end of the criminalization of drugs. That way they can start working on the real crime in the drug world, the prices charged by all the pharmaceutical companies.

A Florida man reportedly stabbed his father who was trying to circumcise him. Apparently the man felt that one cut deserves another.

A French heir who inherited a large home found $3.7 Million in gold hidden underneath some of the furniture. Which is different from most people who are elated just to find enough change in the sofa cushions to buy a pizza and beer.

A French heir who inherited a large home found $3.7 Million in gold hidden underneath some of the furniture. A rich Frenchman finds millions of dollars in gold. The only way people could hate this guy more is if he marries Gwyneth Paltrow.

President Obama has hit the 1,000 mark for the number of prison sentences he has commuted. Now people are hoping he can somehow shorten the sentence of 300 Million Americans who are facing the next four years under Donald Trump.

A report says more than half the world’s super rich people who have more than $50 Million live in the U.S. There’s a term for those people “The Trump Administration.”

The U.S. has approved the sale of 100 Airbus passenger jets to Iran. To which air passengers around the world are saying it’s nice to see United Airlines finally has some competition.

The Trump Administration is reportedly thinking of doing away with the FCC. Although millions of people are waiting on the edge of their seats to see if they can stick around long enough to make their final decision on the wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl back in 2004.

The Trump Administration is reportedly thinking of doing away with the FCC. Mostly because he is afraid if they are still around in 2020 for his reelection run, they might not let him take another $3 Billion in free network airtime.

The Trump Administration is reportedly thinking of doing away with the FCC. Mostly because with the way the debates and election were such a free-for-all with no oversight, what is it that the FCC actually does?

AAA says Thanksgiving travel this year will hit a 9 year high. Mostly people who are following the election by taking a test run to drive north and see how well they might like living in Canada.

A report says .7% of the world’s population controls more than half the wealth. Just because they are wealthy, their hard work and dedication doesn’t stop. At least not until they figure out how to get that other half.

A report says 73% of the world’s population has a net worth of less than $10,000. And those are just the people who followed up buying Pets.com stock in the ‘90s with buying a home in the early 2000s with a subprime mortgage.

A report says Donald Trump’s election win could affect U.S. travel. Mostly just with all roads leading to the country’s borders being turned into one-way highways heading out.

Kia is telling owners of its older SUVs to park their vehicles outside because of the threat of engine fires. Which is mostly unnecessary, as people who drive Kias generally don’t live in places where they can afford to have a garage.

Kia is telling owners of its older SUVs to park their vehicles outside because of the threat of engine fires. Which means if you are riding in a Kia SUV where the driver pulls out a Samsung phone, it’s time to jump out the window.

A report says existing home sales in the U.S. have hit a 10 year high. Which is different from non-existent homes which are the ones people bought several years ago using a subprime loan.

A family feud has erupted among the owners of a large Hallmark dealership in Chicago. The good news is that there is a card for that.

A reports says the elderly who have dementia are targets for sham marriage scams to get their money. Which backfires when the people who marry them find out their new elderly husband’s talk of being a millionaire was just a hallucination.

A study says that easing stress helps people who have Hepatitis C. The only problem is that most of their stress comes from trying to deal with having Hepatitis C.

A poll says that fewer people in this decade than previous years want to lose weight. Apparently the prevailing attitude among potential dieters is “If you can’t beat ‘em, join’em.”

A study says that sexist men are at a higher risk of mental health problems. They are also at a higher risk of being appointed to a position in the Trump Administration.

A study says that exercise programs after knee replacement don’t need to be intensive. Mostly because it’s too late when the patient needs new knees from never getting up off the couch in the first place.

A report says the FDA could be dismantled by the Trump Administration. Which means that could pave the way for the return of Trump Steaks.

Hundreds of cases of mislabeled jars of Heinz Homestyle Gravy are being recalled. Apparently the mislabeling has to do with their use of the word “Homestyle.”

Priscilla Presley says the reason she left Elvis was she “needed to find out what the world was like.” It’s just too bad Elvis didn’t have the resources to maybe fly her around to a few different places to see for herself.

Priscilla Presley says the reason she left Elvis was she “needed to find out what the world was like.” Apparently it was a complete shock to find out not every house on the planet had each room decorated with wall-to-wall gold plated mirrors.

 Ashton Kutcher says he lived in Airbnbs during his divorce from Demi Moore. In fact, he almost made a movie about it called “Dude, Where’s My House?”

A movie about former Vice President Dick Cheney is reportedly in the works. The only problem is keeping people who are working on a movie about Dick Cheney to call it filming and try to stay away from the term “shooting.”

John Legend says he was concerned about Kanye West’s behavior before he was hospitalized. Especially right about the time he decided it would be a good idea to marry into the Kardashian family.

A soccer match in Montreal was delayed when it was discovered the field was painted too narrow. Officials were worried that if the playing area was too small that it could have gotten out of control with someone actually being able to score a goal.

A soccer match in Montreal was delayed when it was discovered the field was painted too narrow. The good news is that watching the lines painters at work was actually more exciting than sitting through an entire soccer match.

A report says baseball’s 21 year run with no labor issues could be at an end. To which Cubs fans couldn’t care less about as not only did they finally win the World Series, but they will be champs for however many years the players decide to strike.

A report says Net Neutrality may be axed by the Trump Administration. Mostly because the only thing Donald Trump cares about the Internet is that it allows him to continue slamming anyone he doesn’t like with his Twitter account.

Donald Trump is reportedly considering changing his mind about climate change. Apparently it has something to do with the wolverine living on his head talking about it getting too hot and having to move back north to Michigan.

Apple has announced they may be holding a rare sale on Black Friday. Apparently they are considering cutting their prices to where they only charge eight times what they are worth.

A spokesperson says that Joe Biden may be interested in leading the DNC. Mostly because after serving eight years as Vice President, Biden is looking for a job that actually requires doing some work.

Ben Carson says he has been offered the position as Secretary of HUD but doesn’t want it because he has never run a federal agency before. Which doesn’t explain why just a few months ago as a former surgeon he was trying to run for President.

A majority of U.S. voters say that Donald Trump should give up his personal Twitter account once he is President. Mostly because they are afraid it will take too much of his time, there are better ways to communicate and mostly because they are afraid one of his tweets will lead to World War III.

Donald Trump says he could both run his businesses and be the President “perfectly.” Mostly because what better fit could there be for someone who has gone through four bankruptcies to take over a country already $19 Trillion in debt?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I want to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and thank you all for checking out the blog every day. I will be taking off the next couple of days as I hope you will be able to as well to spend some time with your families. I will be back as usual on Monday with more jokes which hopefully won’t make you gag on your leftovers. Thanksgiving is a special time for me, as I am very thankful for what I have and for all my friends and my daughter. I am also thankful I am able to have the time it takes to crank out these jokes every day and that you are there to read them. I am most thankful when you all see fit to take the time and make sure to remember to keep on sending the love!

   

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