Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says a record 77% of voters perceive the nation as being divided. The other 23% say the others are completely wrong.

A poll says a record 77% of voters perceive the nation as being divided. The other 23% can still remember the days of George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan Jimmy Carter…

A poll says a record 77% of voters perceive the nation as being divided. Apparently after all these years they still can’t decide between “less filling” and “tastes great.”

Kanye West has canceled the rest of his tour which has led to speculation he has had a nervous breakdown. Which means if he can’t perform his music anymore, at least he now qualifies for a full-time role with his in-laws on “The Kardashians.”

A group is warning about a Tinder-like app for teens that could put them at the risk of predators. As opposed to the other teens who have always been at risk of predators by using Myspace, Facebook and Instagram.

More than a third of Americans say the idea of talking politics at Thanksgiving dinner is stressing them out. As opposed to how they are usually stressed out by by being grilled about their career, religion and why they aren’t married yet.

The city of Dallas is reportedly on the brink of bankruptcy. To which people in the other 49 states are now asking if it’s too late for that whole Texas secession thing to still happen.

The Census Bureau says 1 in 5 new arrivals to Southern California came from another country. The other four are looking for another country to move to once they got the bill for their first month’s rent.

Rain showers are being blamed for a 570% increase in freeway crashes in Los Angeles County. Mostly from people texting everyone about the rain while they are driving.

A newspaper has published a letter showing Donald Trump’s grandfather fought being expelled from Germany for dodging the draft. Which is ironic in that his grandson did the same thing and instead of being kicked out was made Commander-in-Chief.

The U.N. and Vatican are calling for the end of forced labor used in the fishing industry. Which is interesting in that people in the U.S. who fish all day for no wages are not considered slaves, they prefer to call themselves “retired.”

Selena Gomez made an appearance at the American Music Awards and gave a talk about her mental health issues. People were surprised at the news. They all thought she had broken up with Justin Bieber.

Executives and anchors from the top TV networks had a meeting this week with Donald Trump. To which he told all of them, “Thanks, suckers!”

Researchers say teenagers are unable to spot fake news stories. Which pretty much makes them exactly the same anymore as most adults.

Researchers say teenagers are unable to spot fake news stories. Mostly because no one is bothering to write fake stories concerning the news kids care about which is Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift.

Researchers say teenagers are unable to spot fake news stories. Apparently no one has told them the way to tell is if the TV is tuned into Fox News.

An Italian oil tanker officer has been sentenced to prison for discharging petroleum waste into the sea. He was hoping to get a similar sentence for the same crime as BP which would have been a slap on the wrist and billions of dollars in profits.

Starbucks is raising its prices on cold drinks. Which means baristas will now let all their orders sit for a half hour on the counter before charging the customer double.

Starbucks is selling smart mugs for $150 that will let the customer control the temperature of the coffee. Which is ironic in that anyone who pays $150 for a variable temperature mug has nothing to do with the term “smart.”

Starbucks is selling smart mugs for $150 that will let the customer control the temperature of the coffee. Those without an extra $150 will just use the old system of keeping it hot or cool by adding ice cubes or putting the cup in the microwave.

Toys R Us has stopped selling a Tonka truck after one burst into flames. Not so much from the fire danger as from the threat of being sued for copyright violation of the Ford F-150.

A customer is suing Chipotle for being served what is advertised as a 300 calorie burrito that left them too full. The restaurant contends that only 300 calories will be left in their stomachs after they start getting sick from the E. coli.

Thousands are still rallying nationwide in anti-Trump demonstrations. Which at least gives Donald Trump an incentive to bring back all the jobs he has promised just to give those people something to do instead of protest.

Thousands are still rallying nationwide in anti-Trump demonstrations. It’s just too bad those people didn’t have some way to get out and express their opinion about who should be President a couple of weeks ago, say by casting their vote.

A study says dementia rates in the U.S. might be declining. Although the scientists aren’t really sure because they can’t seem to remember where they put all their research.

A report says stem cells could cure hereditary deafness within the next five years. Which is good news for the people who are deaf now who are hoping in five years when they can finally hear that people still won’t be talking about this past election.

A report says stem cells could cure hereditary deafness within the next five years. Now if they could just do something about the people who can hear just fine but just never bother to ever listen.

A study says 1 in 6 U.S. parents say their teen has tried a diet that is vegetarian, gluten-free, vegan or paleo. The only problem is that they aren’t losing any weight because they are doing them all at once.

A report says 1 in 4 U.S. children lacks proper health care. Mostly because all the pediatricians are spending their time on the other three who are in such bad shape  from eating junk food, playing video games and sitting on the couch all day.

A report says 1 in 4 U.S. children lacks proper health care. What’s worse is that nowadays, “proper health care” means parents having Internet access to be able to Google all their kids’ symptoms.

A study says the choking game is most dangerous for kids who play it alone. Doctors say it is much better to choke along with others, like every time the L.A. Clippers go out on the court.

A study says the choking game is most dangerous for kids who play it alone. If kids can’t find a friend to choke with, they should look up one of the school bullies who are usually more than happy to grab them around the throat for awhile.

A study says poor sleep is linked to kidney disease. Especially when the person isn’t getting any sleep when they are waking up every other hour because they have to pee.

Some Sabra brand hummus is being recalled because of possible contamination. The only question is how does anyone tell when hummus has gone bad?

Kim Kardashian skipped out on what would have been her first public appearance following being robbed in Paris. As if any event charging $100,000 a table could be considered a “public” event.

Carrie Fisher says she regrets revealing her affair with Harrison Ford during the shooting of “Star Wars.” Mostly because people now picture her having sex with some old guy who can barely walk around by himself anymore.

Kylie Jenner says she missed going to the American Music Awards because her dog was having puppies. People thought that was strange. Why was Kylie Jenner invited to the American Music Awards?

Dennis Rodman has been charged with hit-and-run in a wrong-way freeway crash in Southern California. He could be facing two years in prison, although prosecutors will consider a trade with North Korea for Kim Jong-un and two prisoners to be named later.

Dennis Rodman has been charged with hit-and-run in a wrong-way freeway crash in Southern California. Rodman is proclaiming his innocence, saying it was the other driver’s fault for not recognizing he was about to do a pick and roll.

Linebacker Jerrell Freeman has become the second Chicago Bears player to be suspended in a week for PEDs. With a 2-8 record, it looks like the Bears really need to consider getting their steroids from another dealer.

A report says Apple is facing a decade of uncertainty after next year’s iPhone release due to weak innovation and increasing competition. The worst part will be iPhone users having to get used to the idea of actually keeping a phone longer than 60 days before the next trade-in.

Scientists have discovered a new dwarf galaxy on the outer reaches of the Milky Way. Although they are already getting some criticism for not being politically correct and referring to it as a “little people” galaxy.

A professor at Georgetown is advising students to quit social media as it could hurt their career. To which most people are saying if they give up Facebook and Twitter, what will they do to stay busy he other seven hours they are at work?

A report says 102 Million trees have died in California over the past six years. The good news is it took that many trees to be turned into the paper needed to do all the environmental impact reports needed for each decimated forest.

A report says the sale of used and refurbished smartphones will more than double by 2020. The hardest part is refurbishing a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone because it takes so long to find and pick up all the pieces after one of them explodes.

A report says the sale of used and refurbished smartphones will more than double by 2020. Mostly because it becomes so expensive to have to buy a new car and new phone after so many times of driving into a tree while texting.

A survey says 39% of Americans say they would give up sex to never have to worry about being hacked. Mostly because it’s not like anyone who is staring at a phone or computer screen all day has a chance of ever having sex in the first place.

A survey says 39% of Americans say they would give up sex to never have to worry about being hacked. The other 61% never have sex because they are spending their entire day in their parents’ basement trying to hack into other people’s computers.

The International Space Station has welcomed Peggy Whitson, the oldest woman astronaut in history. The only problem is the other astronauts are a bit miffed at her insistence that all the electrical functions on the ISS be operated using the Clapper.

The International Space Station has welcomed Peggy Whitson, the oldest woman astronaut in history. The other astronauts are concerned about her expecting them to go on any spacewalks wearing only the spacesuits she crocheted for them.

The State Department has issued a travel warning for all of Europe during the holiday season. Mostly because with Donald Trump as President-elect, it is impossible to pick exactly which country we will be at war with by then.

Chris Christie, when asked about his role in the Trump Administration says he will be “serving the rest of his term.” Although he wasn’t specific if he meant his term as Governor of New Jersey or the prison term he will get for Bridgegate.

Donald Trump’s aides say he is trying to build a diverse administration. Meaning some of the rich, old white men who will be serving in it will have gray hair, some rich, old white men will have dark hair and some rich, old white men will be bald.

A report says it will cost New York City $1 Million a day to protect President-elect Trump. Or as most New Yorkers call $1 Million, going to dinner, a movie and a carriage ride around Central Park.

A report says it will cost New York City $1 Million a day to protect President-elect Trump. Which is no problem, it will just be paid by the tuition of the next round of students registering at Trump University.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I don’t know about you, but I am thankful for the next four years of constant material from President Trump. Provided we are all still here in four more years. I mean the country. And the world. I know you will all still be there for me. And you can prove it by continuing to always keep on sending the love!


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