Sunday, November 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says cursing is linked to higher intelligence. Just ask anyone who has gone to the Beverly Hills Mensa chapter meetings and seen them attended by Alec Baldwin, Mel Gibson and Ozzy Osbourne.

China is pressing tech firms to police the Internet. Apparently they are worried about the content that could be making it past censors into the five government approved websites the Chinese people can access.

China is pressing tech firms to police the Internet. Apparently the Chinese government is just too busy initiating propaganda to watch what everyone else is saying online.

Amazon is planning to sell Fiat Chrysler cars online. The real problem starts when they try to deliver those products to their customers by drone.

Amazon is planning to sell Fiat Chrysler cars online. Apparently when it comes to cars, the company is planning to keep the same standards with everything else they sell that ends up in the trash heap after the first week.

An Argentine bishop is running an exorcism “school” that charges students $47 a month for the three year program. To which Donald Trump is saying if he had only thought of it first, Trump University would still be in business.

An Argentine bishop is running an exorcism “school” that charges students $47 a month for the three year program. It isn’t known if it rids the world of demons but it does manage to purge about $2,000 from the wallets of everyone who signs up.

A Florida man has been arrested for selling horsemeat illegally. The only bad part is for customers who go into the local IKEA and find they aren’t serving any more meatballs.

A computer program can reportedly judge if people are criminals based on their facial features. One sure giveaway is anyone who has a swastika tattooed in the middle of their forehead.

An infidelity website says November 18th is the most likely day that a person’s partner will cheat on them. Mostly so they have a reason to go fight the crowds on Black Friday in order to buy a really special guilt gift.

A report says Thailand is the most unfaithful country with more than half the married couples admitting to cheating. Although when you live in a country where the number one industry is sex tourism, most people just call it their job description.

A report says a suspicious tracking device was found on an MTA bus in New York City. Although keeping track of the location of a bus in Manhattan traffic sounds about as difficult as finding Rosie O’Donnell at a Victoria’s  Secret model convention.

A study says an Illinois women’s prison disciplined inmates too harshly. The report sparked immediate interest. In fact, it has already purchased as the script treatment for a soft porn movie.

A study says an Illinois women’s prison disciplined inmates too harshly. In fact, it got so bad the guards reportedly locked away the tea sets and refused to let the prisoners play shuffleboard after lunch.

Donald Trump has settled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University for $25 Million. He says he settled it so he could focus on running the country. Which will be bad news for taxpayers when they find out he will run it just like Trump University.

Donald Trump has settled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University for $25 Million. The bad news for the plaintiffs is the $25 Million will be paid in vouchers for Trump steaks, vodka and cufflinks.

A report says new accounts at Wells Fargo dropped by nearly half in October. Which means the bank was only able to make about $1.2 Million by sticking their customers with phony accounts.

Donald Trump is taking credit for keeping a Ford plant in Kentucky open when there was no plan on moving it in the first place. He is also taking credit for keeping Kellogg’s in Battle Creek, Coca-Cola in Atlanta and the Dodgers in Los Angeles.

A new app warns people when they are in an area where taking a selfie could be dangerous. The only question is who needs to be told it’s not a good idea to be preoccupied with taking a picture of themselves when they are on a cliff, the top of a building or a railroad track in the first place?

A report says legalized pot could bring in more revenue than the NFL by 2020. Mostly because at this point you wouldn’t have one without the other.

The CDC says 3 of 5 of the leading causes of death have declined in the past few years. With our bad diets and lack of exercise, the main cause of death that has dropped is old age.

The CDC says 3 of 5 of the leading causes of death have declined in the past few years. Mostly because heart disease, cancer and strokes have been replaced as the top causes of death by texting while driving.

A study says smoking may hinder the effectiveness of kidney disease drugs. Although if smoking is causing problems with your kidneys, it may be time to stop inhaling so hard.

A study says e-cigarettes are not good for people’s teeth and gums. Especially for anyone who uses e-cigarettes and blows the smoke into the face of a militant non-smoker.

A science leader says he hopes Donald Trump starts respecting scientific facts. Although that might be hard to do as even starting with math Trump has shown that getting fewer votes can still win an election.

The Surgeon General says that 21 Million Americans have substance use disorder. And that is just the number who started after the November elections.

Nick Cannon is expecting a baby with his ex-girlfriend Brittany Bell after just settling his custody dispute over the two children he has with Mariah Carey. Even Kevin Federline is telling him to slow down a little.

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are reportedly living together again. Which means they have either solved their differences or they needed another new story line for the upcoming season of “The Kardashians.”

Dr. Phil interviewed actress Shelley Duvall and tried to persuade her to get psychological help. The first sign something is wrong with her is when she agreed to be interviewed by Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil interviewed actress Shelley Duvall and tried to persuade her to get psychological help. If only Dr. Phil had a background in some sort of field where he could be the one to offer her any sort of professional help.

Donald Trump says Tom Brady is “totally innocent” over Deflategate. Which means his first act as President on January 21st will more than likely be issuing Brady a full pardon.

Donald Sterling has settled a lawsuit over the sale of the L.A. Clippers with the NBA and his wife. It was just nice for people to see a rich, old white man accused of being racist involved in a Billion dollar lawsuit with the name “Donald” who is not the President-elect of the United States.

A group has revealed plans for a $200 Million soccer stadium to be built in St. Louis. Which the revenue for the typical pro soccer game will be able to help pay off by sometime in the 35th Century.

Tim Tebow’s Arizona fall league season ended with horrendous assessments from baseball scouts, with descriptions of “awful,” “stinks” and “ugly.” It was so bad that towards the end he was even having trouble throwing the baseball with a spiral.

White House strategist Steve Bannon says “Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. That’s power.” What’s even more scary is he was talking about the short list for Donald Trump’s nominee for Supreme Court.

Mark Zuckerberg says Facebook is considering ways to fight fake news. The main problem here is that we are dealing with people who are looking to find their news on Facebook.

Mark Zuckerberg says Facebook is considering ways to fight fake news. Although it might be tough as it hasn’t yet worked on what is airing on Fox News and CNN.

A report says half of all organizations have been hit with ransomware. And that doesn’t even include the half of everything they own that men are risking if their wife sees what they are doing with their computers.

Researchers say that one swab from a smartphone can predict the users’ lifestyle. Which for most with a smartphone means they eat a lot of junk food, have no direct contact with other humans and will probably die texting behind the wheel.

A Columbia University professor says alien life controls all aspects of the physical world. To which Donald Trump is saying “Why else would all those Americans vote me in to do something about it?”

A Columbia University professor says alien life controls all aspects of the physical world. Which means all you parents whose kids weren’t accepted into an Ivy League school just saved $200,000 from paying for four years of that.

A computer has been trained to guess the genre of a book using only its cover image. Next will come film reviews based on the movie poster, which the computer has already learned to give a thumb’s down when it features a picture of Adam Sandler.

A computer has been trained to guess the genre of a book using only its cover image. Although it isn’t too hard to figure out it is a trashy pirate romance novel when the cover art is another drawing of Fabio.

Donald Trump has settled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University for $25 Million. Which means after the lawyers get their cut, that should leave the plaintiffs with as much as $3.62 each.

A report says Donald Trump ripped into Chris Christie over the phone before demoting his position on the transition team. To which even people who voted against Trump are now saying maybe we should give him more of a chance.

A report says Donald Trump ripped into Chris Christie over the phone before demoting his position on the transition team. The worst part is that he got Christie on the phone by having an aide tell him it was Domino’s calling.

A cross country flight on a 737 was reportedly powered by fuel made from wood chips. Which means the next round of terrorism will be taking planes down by hiding the flight crew’s supply of matches.

A cross country flight on a 737 was reportedly powered by fuel made from wood chips. Which means the number one threat of flying will no longer be terrorists but termites.

A New York woman in response to talk of forcing Muslim immigrants to register in a national database has created a tongue-in-cheek registry for white men. Apparently she didn’t know we already have that. It’s called the membership rolls at country clubs, Wall Street bank boardrooms and the Trump Administration.

A Spanish company has created the world’s first blue wine. Apparently they figure no one else on the planet has ever heard of food coloring.

A Spanish company has created the world’s first blue wine. To which Gargamel says just two glasses worth and Smurfette is a sure thing.

A Spanish company has created the world’s first blue wine. Which will do away with the breathalyzer and allow police to pull over drunk driving suspects and check out the color of their tongue.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are nearing the end of the year (and the end of the planet but I won’t get into the Trump thing here), and it still looks like I will be falling far short of my goal in 2016 for 7 Billion daily readers. By just under 7 Billion. So once again I will plead with you all to spread the word to your relatives and friends, that is at least to the people without smartphones who still actually talk to other people and see if we can finally get the comedy tidal wave in motion. Just think how great the world will be with 7 Billion of us taking the time every day to keep on sending the love!


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