Wednesday, November 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer in the planet...!

A Florida man was arrested after throwing his artificial eye at hospital workers. He is just hoping the court doesn’t sentence him under “an eye for an eye.”

A poll says half of all Americans are stressed out by the upcoming presidential election, saying it has resulted in anxiety, depression and insomnia. The other half already had those symptoms from the economy, job market and global warming.

Mel Gibson says it is time Hollywood forgave him. To which Hollywood says it will forgive him when he completes the necessary penance to have everyone look the other way. Make another blockbuster hit.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. Apparently they finally noticed those oversized, pink tinted glasses he has been wearing the past 20 years.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. It looks like even the women’s magazines are getting tired of giving all their attention to Caitlyn Jenner.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. So they finally recognize a male rocker and it’s the one who has never embraced Spandex.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. At least it makes up a little after the realization he will never make the cover of Bicycle Times.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. Apparently he was chosen after their first picks of Michael Jackson, David Bowie and Prince all died.

Pope Francis I says women will be banned from the priesthood forever. Or at least as long as they have a legal fund large enough to cover the settlements they have to make concerning the behavior of their male priests.

A robot can reportedly lay bricks to complete the shell of a building in two days, which is weeks faster than it takes humans. Which means houses can now be built by robots almost as fast as their cousins the robo-signers are able to put them through foreclosure.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte says he wants U.S. troops out of his country within two years. Which is no big deal as the only reason they were in the Philippines  was to make invading a lot easier in case we ever discovered oil there.

Cuba is reportedly falling short of its foreign investment goals. Mostly because investors are having trouble finding anything there to put their money in other than cigars, rafts and 1957 Chevys.

Cuba is reportedly falling short of its foreign investment goals. Although it is still better than the $47 that has been raised so far by local investors.

Bill Cosby’s lawyers want to suppress testimony where the comedian spoke of giving drugs to women before sex. Which is otherwise known from 1968 to 1980 as pretty much his comedy routine.

A Florida college student suspected of killing a couple says he “ate something bad” that turned out to be human flesh. What did he expect eating another Floridian other than a plateful of pretty much just fat, gristle and sun toughened skin?

A Florida college student suspected of killing a couple says he “ate something bad” that turned out to be human flesh. Apparently the problem was that he ate an American which went against his strict low-salt diet.

A group of 370 economists, including a Nobel Prize winner wrote a letter saying electing Donald Trump would be dangerous for the country. People were surprised. There are 370 people who found work as economists?

A group of 370 economists, including a Nobel Prize winner wrote a letter saying electing Donald Trump would be dangerous for the country, claiming he promotes “magical thinking and conspiracy theories.” That means he goes even further than Ronald Reagan and has a platform that is literally based on “Voodoo economics.”

Google’s voice activated Android assistant can be used to cast “Harry Potter” spells to control your phone. However, even magic spells are not working for people who are customers of AT&T wishing to complete just one phone call.

A survey says that Americans’ confidence in the economy is steady going into the election. Of course, it’s all going to go right out the window when they see the results after the polls close.

Google says a bug in Microsoft Windows could give hackers control of users’ computers. Although the users say they would just be happy to see someone be able to boot up their computer that is operating on Windows 7.

A report says that truckers are getting the biggest pay raises of any American workers at 7.8%. Which is needed to pay for the ever increasing cost of business for truckers in keeping up their supplies of antacids, amphetamines and Preparation H.

Companies are facing lawsuits over website access to blind Internet users. The only question is what are they supposed to do, come up with a monitor that has a screen that works in Braille?

Arby’s says it sold out all its venison sandwiches in the first day they were offered in Nashville. The restaurant chain says the limited offer brought in lots of doe.

The Banc of California is under pressure to investigate its links to a convicted con man. Their defense is that if they really wanted to be run by a group of con men they would have done business as the Banc of Wall Street.

The Banc of California is under pressure to investigate its links to a convicted con man. Suspicions were raised when the Banc of California was formed by someone who couldn’t even spell “bank.”

Scottish brewery Innis & Gunn has unveiled a beer made with only cloud water. That sounds like a marketing gimmick. Doesn’t all water at one time come from a cloud?

Scottish brewery Innis & Gunn has unveiled a beer made with only cloud water. What is more natural than a drink that goes straight from the sky into the urinal?

A Chicago riverfront Apple Store will cost an estimated $62 Million. That means to get their money back, the store will have to sell as many as 4 iPhones, 7 iPads and a dozen Apple Watches.

A study says having a stressed out mate is bad for a person’s weight. Especially if the person is stressed out over the continued rising cost of the couple’s food bill.

A review of studies shows that when research on sodas is funded by the beverage industry, it doesn’t mention a link to obesity or diabetes. The beverage industry says that also just like their customers, the review just doesn’t have any teeth.

A study says mixing energy drinks and alcohol causes brain changes in mice. Mostly in causing them to come out of the walls and challenge the nearest cat to a fistfight.

Experts say that kids 6 and older should be screened for obesity. Which pretty much means that someone has to look at them and check them off if they are fat.

A study says the upcoming presidential election is causing people to lose sleep. Which may work out if everyone is so tired by election day that they can’t wake up to vote and nobody wins.

A study says a person’s DNA determines when they become parents and how many kids they have. Which means people who become parents young and have lots of kids have DNA that makes them too dumb to learn about birth control.

A study says a person’s DNA determines when they become parents and how many kids they have. Which means the DNA that causes people to become parents young and have lots of kids is also the same DNA that gives them the ability to sink a 25 foot fall-away jump shot.

A surgery patient in Japan was severely burned after passing gas during the operation that caused a laser to ignite. That’s the last time the hospital ever allows any outside food to be brought in from Taco Bell.

Researchers say they have new hope in the fight against superbugs with discoveries of the properties of the milk of Tasmanian devils. Apparently the milk has shown great promise in the way it helps heal the people who have tried to get milk from a Tasmanian devil.

A study says teeth cleanings could prevent people from catching pneumonia. The question is to do that, how far down the throat are dental hygienists going when they brush their patients’ teeth?

A report says doctors are one of the least likely groups to vote. Mostly because they see that no matter who wins the election, the country on November 8th will pretty much be DOA.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are planning to film the birth of their baby for a TV special and large payout. The large payout will be an advance from the therapists who will be treating all the people who actually sit down to watch it.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are planning to film the birth of their baby for a TV special and large payout. The special will feature ongoing commentary from the mother, obstetrician and the baby’s agent.

Mariah Carey and her ex-husband Nick Cannon have reportedly finished their divorce settlement. The timing was perfect as it now gives Carey time to try to hit up her ex-boyfriend billionaire James Packer for some money after their breakup.

Tiger Woods says he will play in the Hero World Challenge golf tournament in the Bahamas next month. He says his game has been coming along since the last time he played competitively more than a year ago. He says so far he has mastered the windmill hole but still has a little trouble with the clown’s mouth.

NBA star Ray Allen has officially announced his retirement. Although how official do you have to make it when you are 41 years old and haven’t played an NBA game since 2014?

Data says that Cubs fans have been sleeping better than Cleveland fans during this World Series. Mostly because a few baseball games aren’t going to disrupt the sleep habits of people who fall asleep every night to the sounds of sporadic gunfire, car crashes and bloodcurdling screams.

Data says that Cubs fans have been sleeping better than Cleveland fans during this World Series. How nervous is anyone going to get about the chance of winning the ‘Series after having 108 years to prepare for it?

The British are planning to spend $3 Billion to boost their cyber defense system. Apparently government officials want to prevent secrets from being stolen, national security from being compromised and mostly keep WikiLeaks from exposing any of their embarrassing personal e-mails.

Samsung’s CEO is asking if employee complacency led to the company’s Note 7 crisis. As opposed to maybe the company executives being responsible for not testing an inferior product completely before rushing it out on the market.

The KKK’s official newspaper has come out in support of Donald Trump. People were shocked. KKK members can read?

The KKK’s official newspaper has come out in support of Donald Trump. No one even knew there was going to be an endorsement this time from the New York Post.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tonight is Game 7 of the World Series. Or as Dodger fans call that, missed it by that much again. On one hand there is Chicago, trying to erase the stigma of not winning a title in 108 years. On the other hand there is Cleveland, trying to erase the stigma of being from Cleveland. I say let the best team win. Which for me is pretty much anyone other than the Giants. I don’t really have a favorite this time. I just count on getting satisfaction every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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