Friday, November 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says pessimism is bad for people’s hearts. To which people who have heart disease are saying “I knew this would happen to me.”

A study says smart people need more time by themselves. Which is easy to do anymore, especially for the ones who are looking to hang out with other smart people.

A study says smart people need more time by themselves. Which is sad when the local Mensa chapter books a restaurant meeting by reserving a table for one.

A report says the future of work will have people wearing Internet connected overalls to help with their jobs. The worst part of that will be for anyone realizing they have a degree in computer science and have go to work wearing overalls.

A report says housing starts in the U.S. were up 25% in October, a nine year high. Which is good to see the economy back to where people again feel successful enough to put enough money into a house to risk being foreclosed.

UC Irvine is considering a curriculum change to help students cope with Donald Trump as President. Which comes right after the students finally learned to cope with paying $100,000 for a degree that will get them a minimum wage job.

A report says the divorce rate in the U.S. has plunged to a 35 year low. Mostly for women who decide to stay with their husbands in this economy because walking away with half of what they own pretty much amounts to nothing.

Houston Texans football players are being advised to stay in their hotel rooms in Mexico City for their upcoming game against the Oakland Raiders. The league is worried about them running into drug dealers, kidnappers or even more dangerous any Raiders fans who are there for the game.

McDonald’s is planning to expand its table service in U.S. restaurants. Which is good to see as the only other expansion the restaurant has seen in the past 40 years is with their customers’ waistlines.

McDonald’s is planning to expand its table service in U.S. restaurants. Not only will employees now bring the food directly to the table, but when necessary they will also help operate the restaurant’s defibrillator and summon the medical examiner.

Turkish President Erdogan has reportedly jailed 120 journalists in a crackdown on the news media there. To which Donald Trump is saying “You can do that?”

Melania Trump has reportedly amended her official biography to say she never actually received a college degree. Mostly because she instead opted to spend her $35,000 college scholarship on a three day real estate seminar at Trump University.

Unemployment applications in the U.S. have fallen to a 43 year low. Mostly because there are now enough minimum wage jobs available in this economy to where everyone can find five of them to work at to make ends meet.

A union says a strike at O’Hare International Airport involving baggage handlers, cabin cleaners and janitors could slow, but not shut down operations. Especially for United Airlines which doesn’t hire any of those kinds of workers in the first place.

A report says Apple is exploring moving production of the iPhone to the U.S. Apparently with Nike expanding its operations in China, there just aren’t enough six year olds to go around anymore.

A report says Apple is exploring moving production of the iPhone to the U.S. The only problem is that with losing access to China’s 60 cents a day work force, people here can expect a slight increase in the price of an iPhone to just under $27,000.

McDonald’s is testing a new recipe for the Big Mac. Great, just when I finally got that “Two all beef patties, lettuce, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” jingle out of my head.

A report says that for-profit colleges are hoping to prosper under the Trump Administration. Which is ironic as the only college in the U.S. that never made a profit is Trump University.

Bloomberg TV will end its political show “With All Due Respect” in January. Mostly because after this election it is pretty obvious that nothing about politics involves anything close to respect.

A writer who pens fake news stories says it brings in $10,000 a month. Which is no big deal since anchors on Fox News make 100 times that amount doing the same thing.

McDonald’s is experimenting with having employees bring food out to the diners’ tables. Which may not be good as walking the food back from the counter was pretty much the closest most their customers ever got to actually doing any exercise.

The Chevy Bolt has been named the Green Car of the Year. Which is great news for the five people who actually own one.

The Chevy Bolt has been named the Green Car of the Year. The only car that uses less gasoline is the typical Chrysler but it doesn’t count as the reason is that they are usually traveling while hooked up behind a tow truck.

A drug company says it dropped the idea of an insulin pill because it became too expensive to make. Not only that, but most the Type 2 Diabetes patients that tried it didn’t like it because it wasn’t sweet enough.

A drug company says it dropped the idea of an insulin pill because it became too expensive to make. Apparently they never thought of hiring that drug company CEO that solved that problem by just raising the price 5,000%.

A UK woman gave birth to quintuplets on her own birthday. The bad part is that her birthday present was 87 boxes of Pampers.

Scientists are trying to find out why women who become mothers later tend to live longer. Apparently it has something to do with feeling the need to be around until their kids can finally afford to live on their own when they reach their 50s.

Researchers say that surprise doctor bills after a visit to the ER could add anxiety to the injury. Especially when they have to be admitted back into the ER to be treated for shock after seeing their bills.

A study says that ER workers tend to have a high stress and burnout rate. Especially when they realize how much it is going to cost them when they go to the ER to be checked out for stress and burnout.

A study says that ER workers tend to have a high stress and burnout rate. Mostly after they get their minimum wage paycheck and realize the doctors they work with are taking in 100 times that amount.

A study in Australia says that moderate drinking may have benefits for the heart. The only problem for researchers was finding more than five Australians who drink only moderately.

Researchers say that marijuana-like drugs may offer pain relief without addiction. At least not to addiction of anything stronger than pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

A study says a poor sense of smell may signal a risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when it is so bad that the person doesn’t realize they have forgotten to shower the past three weeks.

An In Vitro Fertilization calculator can help couples predict their chances of becoming pregnant. The calculator has three settings; Barren, possible and Kevin Federline.

Paris Hilton gave an interview where she said she voted for Donald Trump. If that news had only come out last week, we would be talking about the transition team of President-elect Clinton.

“Duck Dynasty” will end its run on A&E in 2017. The last episode will bring a close to the series as the entire family will go out on a duck hunting expedition with Dick Cheney.

Soccer manager Arsene Wenger says English soccer’s days of heavy drinking are over. At least when it is compared to the amount of alcohol consumed by the German, Irish and Scottish players.

Johnny Manziel has struck a deal with prosecutors to drop charges in a domestic violence case with his former girlfriend. Apparently he is off the hook as long as he never assaults anyone other than by trying to throw something at them.

Johnny Manziel has struck a deal with prosecutors to drop charges in a domestic violence case with his former girlfriend. Apparently they felt he has suffered enough by having to go around admitting to everyone that he is Johnny Manziel.

A 55 year old football player at South Carolina State University is trying to become the oldest player to ever make it into a Division I game. Mostly because it has taken him 37 years to become the first football player at South Carolina State to have a chance at finally graduating.

A 55 year old football player at South Carolina State University is trying to become the oldest player to ever make it into a Division I game. Most other 55 year olds who went to South Carolina State are more concerned with their own personal goal of someday finishing off paying back their college tuition loans.

A report says female participation in the Microsoft workforce has shrunk again. Apparently she decided to take a job with Apple instead.

President Obama says fake news is threatening the country’s democracy. Which hopefully was taken into account by the people at Fox News, CNN and CNBC.

President Obama says fake news is threatening the country’s democracy. To which the people who just elected a sham business running reality TV star who won with less than a majority of the popular vote are saying, “What democracy?”

A company is using a Virtual Reality game to let people experience “dying” in a drunk driving accident. The worst part is they can get the same effect by playing the game on their smartphone while they are driving.

Donald Trump says his real power during the election came from social media. The bad news from that is it means more than likely now our first woman President will be Kim Kardashian.

The earliest known tablets with the Ten Commandments sold at auction for $850,000. To which most people under 30 are saying they could have bought a whole box of tablets at Best Buy for a fraction of that price.

The earliest known tablets with the Ten Commandments sold at auction for $850,000. Which was ironic in that the act of taking that much money for a religious artifact itself broke at least three of the Commandments.

Leon G. Billings, the architect of the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts has died at age 77. Unfortunately, because of the legislation he pushed he will not be granted his final wishes of being cremated and have his ashes spread out over a river.

President Obama says that 20% of his agenda as President will be rolled back by the Trump Administration. Mostly because Trump will be spending most of his time rolling back 80% of what is written in the Constitution.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time for a bit of a break as the weekend is here. We can all take a couple of days to reflect on the events of the past week and then meet again here on Monday, provided we are all still living in the U.S. I don’t think it’s a secret what my political leanings are, although I will pick on anyone on any side of the aisle for anything that is worth a punch line. At least while Donald Trump can be scary, he will be providing us all with some good laughs which will hopefully be enough of a trade off with what will happen to our personal freedoms and the economy. In the meantime, you can continue to  make me feel much better about the way things are when you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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