Thursday, November 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The DHS is warning the holiday season could be a target for terrorists. Which people would still rather deal with than having to be around their relatives for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.

The DHS is warning the holiday season could be a target for terrorists. Which is exactly the same thing the DHS has been telling us about every day on the calendar since 2001.

A report says the wealthiest nations have seen terrorist attacks creep to an 11 year high. Which is good news for the U.S. since it was right around 11 years ago we stopped being one of the wealthiest nations.

A gory mess of pig parts stopped traffic on a Florida highway during morning rush hour earlier this week. The foul smelling odor was nearly enough to keep people from where they were headed for a breakfast of bacon, ham and pulled pork.

Stephen Hawking says the human race will be wiped out in 1,000 years unless we move to another planet. Which coincides with many people having the same idea about leaving Earth ever since the results came in from last week’s election.

Stephen Hawking says the human race will be wiped out in 1,000 years unless we move to another planet. To which the people of Chicago say they couldn’t care less if we are wiped out because they lived to see the Cubs win the World Series.

Stephen Hawking says the human race will be wiped out in 1,000 years unless we move to another planet. To which Larry King is saying “Again?”

A new fitness fad has people getting into shape by crawling. Which is nothing new, The Irish have been doing it for years on Saturday night to get from pub to pub.

A new fitness fad has people getting into shape by crawling. Which has also come in handy for years by men who are trying to sneak into the bedroom undetected at 3:00 am.

A report says some people’s mysterious weight gain is caused by “sleep eating” where they subconsciously snack in the middle of the night. Mostly the ones who find there just aren’t enough hours in the day to clean out the entire refrigerator.

A poll says half of all Americans are “more confident” with Donald Trump since the election. Of course, those are pretty much the half who voted for him.

Internet security experts are warning Congress that online devices are vulnerable to attacks and hackers. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Tell me about it.”

A report says extensive cultural damage has been found in a historic city in Iraq. To which most Middle East experts are asking how can anyone tell?

Customers are praising a Wyoming bookstore for banning Wi-Fi and smartphones, saying it is “a place for books.” To which people are saying “Oh, yeah. Aren’t those the things we read on our Kindles?”

Customers are praising a Wyoming bookstore for banning Wi-Fi and smartphones, saying it is “a place for books.” People were surprised at the news. When did Wyoming get Wi-Fi and smartphones?

Donald Trump went out to dinner with his family at New York City’s 21 Club, telling diners there that he will “get their taxes down.” To which all the people who can afford to eat at 21 were saying thanks, but they haven’t paid any taxes since 1967.

The U.S. Labor Department says factories making clothes for several U.S. retailers including T J Maxx, Ross Dress For Less and Forever 21 pay workers $4 an hour. To which those stores are saying it’s just a good thing they don’t sell anything by Nike.

New Balance is rebuking white supremacists for adopting its sneakers as a hate symbol. If anyone wants to feel angry and hateful, they can buy any brand of shoe they want as long as they make sure they at least two sizes too small.

New Balance is rebuking white supremacists for adopting its sneakers as a hate symbol. Although anyone wanting to feel really angry just needs the sensation or what it is like after realizing they just paid $300 for a pair of Air Jordans.

The CEO of Ford is warning of the “huge impact” to the economy of Donald Trump’s trade plans. Which apparently can only be compared to the impact people feel when the brakes go out again in their Taurus.

A Chinese company says it won’t change the name of its Trump Toilet products because of the President-elect. Mostly because it is not a reflection of Donald Trump himself but more of a metaphor of his proposed economic policies.

Target says it is planning to open hundreds of small format stores. Which in this economy are what used to be known as “stores.”

Bill O’Reilly says Megyn Kelly is making Fox News “look bad.” Mostly for the people who tune in and are confused and change the channel when they see a show that isn’t being anchored by an angry, old white man.

 A survey says U.S. economic confidence has surged after the election. Mostly from the people who are relieved knowing that if it survived the election, it can go through just about anything.

A Missouri court has ruled that frozen embryos are property and not people. Usually that designation isn’t given to people until they enter the work force and become employees.

The U.S. came in last when compared with the general health of other countries. Although we did still retain our position as world leader for time spent on Facebook, amount of junk food consumed and number of cat videos watched.

A study says ATMs are full of bacteria from human skin, food and household surfaces. Not to mention the blood that is splattered on the machines during random holdups.

A study says ATMs are full of bacteria from human skin, food and household surfaces. Which is bad news for the three people who still have enough money in their bank account to even be able to use an ATM in the first place.

A study says that using marijuana appears to benefit people’s mental health. Mostly the ones who keep getting too stoned to remember they are supposed to be crazy.

A report says 21% of teenagers say they binge drink. Mostly the ones who play a drinking game where they have to down a shot every time Donald Trump says “Build the wall.”

A report says 21% of teenagers say they binge drink. The other 79% like to drink their booze at a slower and steadier rate so they keep an even buzz from when they wake up to when they pass out at night.

A study says the rate of high blood pressure has doubled since 1975. Which is no coincidence since that was the year the personal computer was invented and people have worried ever since about being caught at what they do on the Internet.

Tom Hanks tried to calm people after the election, saying “America is going to be all right.” Of course, he just finished a movie where he played the guy who was able to land a crippled jet on the Hudson River.

Kendall Jenner says about her disappearance from Instagram that she “wanted a little bit of a break.” To which millions of people around the world are saying “Us, too.”

Joy-Anna Duggar says she has entered a courtship with a longtime friend. People can hardly wait to see some Daguerreotypes of them riding the buggy home from the jamboree for a night listening to the Gramophone.

Noah Cyrus has released her debut single. People can hardly wait to see Miley’s little sister grow up and follow in her footsteps to release her own pictures where she is naked, stoned and twerking onstage.

Police in Utah say Charlie Sheen’s children are safe after his ex-wife’s behavior became a cause for concern. How messed up is Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife when it has gotten to the point where he is considered the mature one in the family?

Tom Brady appears in a new Footlocker commercial where he mocks “deflategate.” What’s next, having him endorse a new insole that helps people with flat feet?

The head of Google’s cloud business says that Artificial Intelligence won’t exceed that of humans in her lifetime. Although for the millions of people who follow the Kardashians, watch “Duck Dynasty” and voted for Donald Trump, that day may have already arrived.

Domino’s says it has delivered the first pizza ever by drone in New Zealand. Now all they need to do is work on originating the flights somewhere other than corporate headquarters in Michigan so the pizza arrives in less than six days.

A report says many people are taking a break from Facebook after the presidential election. Although if they aren’t happy with the discourse or results, maybe next time they won’t be spending so much time on Facebook they forget to vote.

The earliest known tablets with the Ten Commandments will be auctioned off in Beverly Hills. To which most people in Beverly Hills upon hearing the news said “The Ten what?”

The earliest known tablets with the Ten Commandments will be auctioned off in Beverly Hills. So far there is a lot of interest from a group that wants to be able to put them back where they belong. In front of the Alabama State Supreme Court.

Scientists say they have discovered the roundest object in the universe. Which until now had always been assumed to be John Travolta.

This week women around the world celebrated “Thanks, Birth Control” Day. Which is also celebrated the rest of the year by people who pray it keeps doing its job for Lindsay Lohan.

The last presidential yacht, the Sequoia has been sold for free as it has sat for years rotting in a Virginia shipyard needing millions of dollars in repairs. The sad news is that it is still in better shape than the economy, Congress and the national debt.

Experts are disagreeing on the authenticity of some newly discovered sketches by van Gogh. Apparently it has to do with all the self portraits where he is drawn with two ears.

Bernie Sanders made a statement to Donald Trump, saying we will hold him to account. To which Trump replied “Well, there’s always a first time for everything.”

Bernie Sanders made a statement to Donald Trump, saying we will hold him to account. Although that didn’t work so well when people asked to see his tax returns and even his accountants couldn’t account for all his accounting.

Donald Trump has announced a tough lobbying ban for his administration. Just as soon as all the lobbyists who are in charge of his transition team are able to leave notes for what they want him to accomplish for them in his first term.

Donald Trump has announced a tough lobbying ban for his administration. It just means they won’t even need to come around anymore as he will cut out the middle man and just send the checks straight to their vacation homes in the Mediterranean.

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry is reportedly being considered for Energy Secretary. Which would be a good pick as Perry has been looking for energy ever since he lost all of his during the 2012 presidential debates.

Hillary Clinton says after the election she thought of never leaving her house again. To which Bill Clinton said “Are you sure there is no way we can have a recount?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are now more than a week past the presidential election and the country is still here. Which means I am already out of the betting pool. But that’s OK, I am in others where my dates are January 20th, January 21st and January 22nd. So I still have that going for me. The other thing I have going for me is all the material that will be coming my way over the next four years. Inside every cloud there is a silver lining, as they say. Usually my silver lining comes when you all remember to take the time to always keep on sending the love!


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