Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says 70% of voters don’t feel the media is honest. The other 30% are demanding a recount because they don’t trust who put the survey together.

A poll says 70% of voters don’t feel the media is honest. The sad part is that they feel that way because they are instead believing the politicians who are telling them so.

A life sentence has been handed down to a Kansas woman who fed her son to pigs. Or as Yakov Smirnoff would say, “America is a crazy country. Here the bacon eats YOU.”

Phone apps are being blamed for the biggest spike in traffic deaths in 50 years. Although the good news for people who get into accidents because they are looking at their phone is they can get a ride to the hospital using their Uber app.

A rampaging ram in France killed a 94 year old man who got too close to its flock of sheep. At least it saved the victim from having to explain to everyone why the ram was jealous of him getting near all the ewes.

A survey says women are more likely to cheat on men who don’t do any chores around the house. Which will be confound men who like to keep their women busy working around the house so they don’t have the time or energy to go out on them.

Wells Fargo has unveiled a robotic financial adviser. The technology saves the bank time and money by instead programming the automation instead of using a human to fix up its clients with phony bank accounts.

A study says scientists are close to using a person’s voice to diagnose if they have heart disease. As opposed to the way it is used now when the person says “I-think I-am-having-a-heart-attack!”

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his “experience and ideology.” People were surprised. They had no idea Fox News was based in China.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his “experience and ideology.” Which means from now on you can expect to see the front row of the White House briefing room at news conferences pretty much packed with Asian journalists.

A five star underground resort is being built for wealthy clients in Texas with rooms connected by tunnels and protected by a 12 foot high wall. Condos start at $300,000 or people can just commit a crime and get the same lifestyle for free in San Quentin.

A report says prices for products given online are sometimes determined by the type of computer being used, Zip Code and online search history. Not only that, but anyone using AOL is limited to being shown wardrobe items from 1967.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his “experience and ideology.” Apparently Trump had them at the phrase “Build a great wall.”

A report says prices for products given online are sometimes determined by the type of computer being used, Zip Code and online search history. Which makes sense about the search history since retailers know if it is 95% porn they are selling to a man.

The most expensive watch in history was sold at an auction for $11 Million. To which everyone under 30 was asking “What’s a watch?”

Cuba has pardoned nearly 800 common criminals at the request of the Pope. Instead of looking at 5-10 years in prison, they now just have to say three Our Fathers and two Hail Marys.

Cuba has pardoned nearly 800 common criminals at the request of the Pope. Apparently the government realized there is nothing of enough value in Cuba to steal to justify the cost of keeping someone in prison for it.

A pear-shaped set of diamond earrings has sold for $17.6 Million at an auction. You can bet at that price they won’t be seen hanging from the ears of a pear-shaped woman.

Labatt is cutting its perk of giving retirees free beer for life. Mostly because it is no longer necessary in this economy as workers who can’t retire until they are in their 90s are more interested in a lifetime supply of Ensure.

The Vermont legislature will vote to pick their new lieutenant governor as none of the candidates got more than 50% of the vote. The lawmakers will make their decision as soon as they figure out what it is the lieutenant governor does.

LeBron James slammed Phil Jackson for calling his business associates a “posse.” To which Phil Jackson apologized, saying he was embarrassed to be caught using slang terms that went out in 1995.

LeBron James slammed Phil Jackson for calling his business associates a “posse.” James later took back his criticism after he realized he was wrong in thinking that Jackson was using the same word Donald Trump said in talking about women.

Residents of a Manhattan apartment complex have voted to remove the sign off their building that says “Trump.” Which is fine with Trump who already had plans to take the sign off and put it over the West Wing at the White House.

A judge has ruled a copyright suit against Justin Bieber and Usher should be dismissed. Mostly because the judge felt no real songwriter would want to admit their work was similar to anything put out by Justin Bieber.

A judge has ruled a copyright suit against Justin Bieber and Usher should be dismissed. The judge was concerned that if he ruled against Bieber he could end up with egg on his face.

Wal-Mart is clashing with a labor group over the use of an app explaining workplace rights to employees. The worst part is the labor group is the union that represents prison guards.

Wal-Mart is clashing with a labor group over the use of an app explaining workplace rights to employees. Wal-Mart says all employees need to know about their rights is contained in the sign over the door saying “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

United Airlines has introduced a new class, basic economy that costs less money to fly and has no frills. To which United passengers are asking “What are ‘frills’?”

United Airlines has introduced a new class, basic economy that costs less money to fly and has no frills. The only problem is competing for legroom with the Rottweiler in the next cage over.

United Airlines has introduced a new class, basic economy which costs less money to fly and has no frills. The good news is that you never lose your luggage as you will be sitting right next to it in the cargo hold the entire flight.

New Balance put out a statement saying they are not the shoes of white supremacists. The company then put out its new catalogue of shoes made specifically for running, walking and goose-stepping.

Fiat Chrysler is reportedly struggling over the terminology to describe their new Pacifica hybrid minivan. Apparently they are trying to decide which is a better portrayal of their product; junk, rubbish or scrap.

A report says popular heartburn medications are linked to an increase risk of stroke. Mostly when people who have heartburn get the pharmacy bill for all their prescriptions.

The Washington, D.C. City Council has approved a death with dignity bill for the terminally ill. So far the first use of the new bill will be for the patient in the nation’s capital most likely to not survive the next few weeks. Obamacare.

A study says residue left on cellphones can be used to create a “portrait” of the user showing their health, diet and places recently visited. Which for people using their phones the most, it will pretty much show their health status is obese, their diet is junk food and the place most recently visited is the nearest drive-thru.

A study says dieting to lose ten pounds which is gained back is bad for the heart, according to the American Heart Association. But it is still better than most diets where people lost ten pounds and then gain back 50.

A study says people who have trouble sleeping are more likely to develop A-Fib, an irregular heartbeat. Well, that news will help them get a better night’s rest.

A nursing home in Chicago has been fined after five residents overdosed on heroin. And you thought the nursing home where your parents live was bad for not putting enough fiber in their diet.

A report says 71 Million people watched prime time election returns on television last week. The sad part is with 120 Million people voting for President, that shows that at least 50 Million of them didn’t even care enough to find out who won.

Carrie Fisher says she had an affair with Harrison Ford during the filming of “Star Wars.” The sad part is when they broke up and Ford’s sex life went back to being Solo.

Carrie Fisher says she had an affair with Harrison Ford during the filming of “Star Wars.” The sad part is that when he told her she had great buns, he meant the ones on the side of her head.

Mick Jagger says of his career that he still wants a challenge. Which he gets every morning by going over to Keith Richards’ home and using a car battery to get his heart started.

Mick Jagger says of his career that he still wants a challenge. Which at age 73 is trying to make it all the way through the night without having to get up to pee.

The University of Dayton basketball team flew to a game against Alabama in the plane that was chartered during the presidential campaign. The good news is that with Dayton winning the game the plane can at least boast having a record in the past week of going 1-1.

The NBA is shopping a ten hour authorized documentary about Michael Jordan. At least when LeBron James took money for a shameless piece of self-promotion like “The Decision” he was courteous enough to keep it under an hour and a half.

Oreo has announced a new product where they stuff candy bars with Oreo cookies. Some people were flabbergasted at the idea. Why are they not packaged already deep-fried?

Instant cameras are making a comeback with several companies introducing new models. They are for the people who want to take selfies, but can’t take them with their cellphones as they need them to text, check e-mails and post on Facebook.

A study says the pay gap between men and women in the tech industry is wider than with other sectors. At least that is the theory which will be proven just as soon as researchers actually find a woman working in tech.

People who own iPhones in China say they are randomly shutting down. Americans were surprised at the news. They had no idea that AT&T even offered service in China.

Twitter has announced several new measures to reduce a sharp rise in online abuse, bullying and harassment. The most obvious remedy being to completely shut down Twitter.

Twitter has announced several new measures to reduce a sharp rise in online abuse, bullying and harassment. Although they may take back their ideas when they see all the complaints will drop off drastically now that the election is over.

Donald Trump has requested a security clearance for his son-in-law Jared Kushner. Apparently Kushner is fine with the status just as long as he isn’t permitted on the White House grounds to take part in the family Thanksgiving Dinner.

Donald Trump has requested a security clearance for his son-in-law Jared Kushner. There was a huge panic with the Secret Service initially because officials originally misread the name on the application as Ashton Kutcher.

A report says Catholic Bishops are challenging Donald Trump’s immigration policy. Those are the Bishops who will soon find themselves on a government transport plane flying back to the Vatican.

Representative Jason Chaffetz of Utah says that the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s e-mails was not politically motivated. It was actually motivated by the Republican Party’s extreme hate of anything having to do with the Clintons.

Representative Jason Chaffetz of Utah says that the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s e-mails was not politically motivated. To which even Steve King, Louis Gohmert and Ted Cruz are saying “Is he kidding?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am a bit of a fitness nut, which doesn’t explain why I sit in front of the computer for hours a day hammering out these humor-starved jokes. But in my spare time, which isn’t much I like to jump rope for a workout, putting in 4,000 reps six days a week. This week I have hit the 1 Million mark for the tenth year in a row, which is as far back as I keep records. To which I am sure many of you are asking if it is weirder to do all that jumping or keep track of it. In any event, that is a little nugget of what I do. Now all I need from you is to remember to take the time to always keep on sending the love!


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