Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

This week’s “supermoon” is being blamed for many reports of people with insomnia and extreme emotions. Which would be easier to believe if it wasn’t so close to last week’s election.

Turkey is warning its people that the U.S. may be unsafe for tourists. They are advising anyone who travels to the U.S. that the best way to avoid problems is to wear a sticker saying “I didn’t vote.”

Turkey is warning its people that the U.S. may be unsafe for tourists. Although anyone traveling from Turkey should have no problem in dealing with what is going on here as they also just went through learning how to deal with a coup d’etat.

Several sorority members at the University of Albany in New York were arrested for forcing pledges to eat mud and garbage. Apparently they violated the campus association tradition of letting them wash it down with massive amounts of alcohol.

Several sorority members at the University of Albany in New York were arrested for forcing pledges to eat mud and garbage. They are being charged with impersonating a fraternity.

A study says a beer a day helps prevent strokes and heart disease. Mostly for the people who instead die from dementia, kidney disease and cirrhosis of the liver.

A report says governments around the world are censoring Facebook, Twitter and other social media in a blow to personal freedom. Which most people don’t care about as long as they can still post what they ate for breakfast and watch all their cat videos.

California, Oregon and Washington state are reportedly planning to secede from the U.S. for Canada following last week’s election. Which now that pot is legal in all three states could happen as soon as whenever they get around to it.

California, Oregon and Washington state are reportedly planning to secede from the U.S. for Canada following last week’s election. Which would be great news for Canada in just the fact adding those states would increase the country’s average temperature by another ten degrees.

New technology allows cows to “text” farmers when they are sick to their stomach. The only problem is the potential for accidents when those cows start texting while on a cattle drive.

A Swedish chef was reportedly assaulted by Muslim protesters because he “looked like Donald Trump.” As opposed to chefs who made themselves look like Hillary Clinton by putting egg all over their face.

A Swedish chef was reportedly assaulted by Muslim protesters because he “looked like Donald Trump.” Not because of their politics, they were just mad that their food was served full of orange hair.

North Korea reportedly hasn’t told their people that Donald Trump has been elected U.S. President. Apparently Kim Jong-un wants to break it to them easily that he is no longer the world leader with the worst haircut.

A report says 2016 is on track to set a world’s record for the hottest year. Although climatologists are considering subtracting several degrees just from all the hot air, hot-headedness and hot tempers that took us all they way through the election.

Donald Trump will be the third President to refuse a salary while in office. Mostly because he is afraid how much he could be sued for under the statue of “You break it, you bought it.”

Donald Trump will be the third President to refuse a paycheck while in office. Mostly because after he enacts his economic policies, there won’t be $400,000 left in the Treasury to cover his salary.

A statistics professor in Connecticut won a lottery payout of $100,000. The bad news is he lost his tenure because his formula wasn’t good enough to win the big prize.

A statistics professor in Connecticut won a lottery payout of $100,000. Which means he can now teach an entire course about the way to beat the odds of paying off all your student loans before you turn 50.

A statistics professor in Connecticut won a lottery payout of $100,000. The amazing part is that he already beat astronomical odds when he got a job with a degree in statistics.

Some insurance companies will use technology to base premiums on the “risk value” of each trip. Which means the people who will be paying the most are those who get on the road behind the wheel of a Chrysler with Takata airbags.

Hillary Clinton became the first person to say “I’m sorry” in her concession speech. Mostly because it has just become a habit after hearing it so many times over the years from Bill.

Hollywood producer Steve Mnuchin is reportedly being considered by Donald Trump for Secretary of the Treasury. Who better to be in charge of our money than the man who got people to pay $8 to watch an Adam Sandler film?

A report says the average American household approaching retirement has saved less than $20,000. Which isn’t that bad ever since those considered “approaching retirement” are people who are 85 or older.

China has reportedly offered Donald Trump a “positive and open attitude toward cooperation.” Meaning if we do everything they tell us, they won’t immediately foreclose on all the loans they gave us.

China has reportedly offered Donald Trump a “positive and open attitude toward cooperation.” Which is good news for all the 6 year olds here who can look forward to making $2 a day working 18 hours in the new Nike factory right down the street.

Taco Bell has opened its 7,000th restaurant in Las Vegas which has a DJ booth and VIP lounge. Which will bring the gambling spirit with it, especially for people who wager they can make it to the bathroom in time after finishing their Chalupa combo.

Taco Bell has opened its 7,000th restaurant in Las Vegas which has a DJ booth and VIP lounge. Qualfying for the VIP lounge at Taco Bell means having enough money left over after gambling to be able to afford the XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito Combo.

A report says depression is increasing among teenagers, especially girls. To which most parents are saying “is that even possible?”

A report says depression is increasing among teenagers, especially girls. Mostly the ones who found out their cellphone number has been obtained by Anthony Weiner.

A study says smoking marijuana may weaken the heart muscle. Which is no surprise to anyone who has been around any stoners and see’s it has exactly the same effect on every other muscle in their body.

A study says a person’s genes may be responsible for their craving salt. The rest of the people just have the genes that crave sugar, fat and alcohol.

A study says there is no evidence of a higher injury rate for people who are often barefoot. Except for people who get punched by anyone who is near them after taking off their shoes and socks right after running a 5K race.

A study says parents are spanking their children less often than they did in the 1980s. Mostly because they now know they can get their kids to do anything they want just by threatening to take away their iPhone, iPad and computer privileges.

A study says parents are spanking their children less often than they did in the 1980s. Mostly because since the invention of the cellphone, most people don’t even see or talk to their kids more than once every three weeks.

A study says the arthritis drug Celebrex is not as big a heart risk as was suspected. Which is good news for the people who take arthritis drugs to have the mobility in their hands necessary to be able to grab their chest to let everyone know they are having a heart attack.

A study says coronary heart disease has dropped by 20% over the years. Mostly because before that kills them they are dying from high blood pressure, diabetes and strokes.

Kendall Jenner deleted her Instagram account, leaving her 68 Million followers without an explanation as to why. Although the real explanation needed here is why are there 68 Million people who are wasting their time looking at what Kendall Jenner posts on Instagram?

Rams defensive end Robert Quinn says he is “feeling better” after having several seizures. Which comes under the heading of “most obvious headlines ever written.”

Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson is joining a group trying to bring the Supersonics back to Seattle. This is following another group that formed trying to bring back the Mariners until someone had to inform them they are still there.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is believed to have suffered a punctured lung in a game against the Seahawks. Everyone knew it was just a matter of time before Tom Brady started trying to deflate something other than footballs.

Ben Roethlisberger called out “undisciplined” Pittsburgh Steelers after losing to the Cowboys. Apparently he wants the team to be more like him. Except for those times when he crashed his motorcycle, was accused of sexual assault and was suspended for six games because of personal conduct.

Chicago Bears receiver Alshon Jeffrey has been suspended four games for using PEDs. The only question for most people following the 2-7 Bears is “Why?”

412 Million accounts with adult sites run by FriendFinder have been hacked. Authorities say that the only people who need to be concerned are any men who have had access to a computer with an Internet connection in the past ten years.

Google and Facebook say they will start blocking ads on fake news sites. Which means that no ads will finally give people a real reason to start going to those sites.

A report says 37% of IT pros will be looking for a new job in 2017. Mostly the ones who did all the election research and guaranteed the Democrats that Hillary Clinton was going to win.

A report says 37% of IT pros will be looking for a new job in 2017. The other 63% were good enough to keep their Internet searches secret from everyone else.

Amazon has expanded its Home Services business that connects consumers with service providers. Especially Amazon customers who need home repair after the drone that delivered their latest Amazon order crashed into their roof.

Nike is planning to sell its self-lacing shoes for $720 a pair. Now the word “loafer” when used for shoes refers to the people who are too lazy to tie the laces themselves.

Nike is planning to sell its self-lacing shoes for $720 a pair. The good news is that people who still have the energy to tie just one shoe can get by with only paying out $360.

Nike is planning to sell its self-lacing shoes for $720 a pair. Or people can just pay the same amount for two Chinese children from the Nike factory who will follow them around all day to make sure the laces are tied.

Scientists are monitoring bears in Alaska by collecting their saliva. The worst part is being the newest member of that research team and finding out your field equipment consists of a Q-tip and a pair of track shoes.
 
Delta is using chip tags to track luggage during flights. Which is different from what United is doing which amounts to having each suitcase send their owner a post card from every location around the world with an estimate of what year they will finally make it to their destination.

 A report says the smell of plastic makes some seabirds think it is food. Which is exactly the same reason kids love to order Happy Meals.

A robot was able to solve a Rubik’s Cube puzzle in under one second. The only problem is it took six months to figure out how to get it out of its plastic packaging.

A robot was able to solve a Rubik’s Cube puzzle in under one second. What’s even worse is watching it smash the cube into pieces when it takes more than three and a half seconds to figure it out.

5,000 students walked out of high school and college classes in Seattle to protest Donald Trump’s election victory. That, and they didn’t study the night before for their math test.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the music world as Leon Russell, one of my favorite musicians has died at age 74. He somehow seems to have been forgotten after all kinds of success in the 1970s, including work on Joe Cocker’s “Mad Dogs & Englishmen” tour and George Harrison’s Concert for Bangladesh. I am listening right now to his great 1972 album “Carney” which had the hits “Tight Rope,” “This Masquerade” and “If The Shoe Fits.” I recommend a listen, it’s a classic. And make sure to keep Leon in your thoughts when you take the time today to remember to always keep on sending the love!

1 comment:

benson said...

Agree about Leon Russell. RIP.

Superstar, This Masquerade and A Song for You are favorites