Sunday, November 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Anti-Trump demonstrators were called hypocrites by supporters on Twitter for not accepting defeat in a democratic process. Now where would any of them gotten the idea the election may have been rigged?

Facebook falsely pronounced some of its users dead with memorial status on their pages. Although fortunately, their Facebook friends know that no one is really dead until there are pictures posted of the food served at their wake.

Robert Redford says he will retire from acting after two more films. Mostly because at age 80 the only roles he is being offered are the leads in movies about John McCain and Larry King.

John Kerry became the highest ranked U.S. official to visit Antarctica. The bad part is when he realized wheat happened when everyone started laughing after he told them his expedition failed on their assignment to locate even one Arctic Snipe.

John Kerry became the highest ranked U.S. official to visit Antarctica. The previous highest rank to visit was when the Assistant to the Deputy Undersecretary of the Interior deputized a Sea World intern to go there and count all the penguins.

Social media bots are reportedly trolling the Internet spreading messages of hate. Although after looking at what was being posted on Twitter during the election, even the bots quit, saying “We can’t compete with that.”

Cher says she is going to have to leave the planet after the election of Donald Trump. Which explains why she has been having all her parts replaced by heat-resistant plastic that will endure the high temperatures during re-entry.

One of the oldest bars in New York City, McSorely’s has bee closed because of health code violations. To which every street vendor is saying “There’s a health code?”

One of the oldest bars in New York City, McSorely’s has bee closed because of health code violations. The good news is that they will just wait a week and reopen as a Chipotle.

Bill Cosby says he expects to resume his career once his sex assault case is over. People were shocked. Bill Cosby still has a career?

Bill Cosby says he expects to resume his career once his sex assault case is over. Apparently his agent has already booked him as the permanent dinner show host in the mess hall at San Quentin.

Residents of Venice, Italy are protesting, saying it is harder than ever to live there because it is so expensive. In fact, it is so costly that it’s not just people buying homes near the canal who have gone underwater.

Nigeria is probing reports that food aid is being stolen by refugees. Although it turns out the refugees are giving the food over in exchange for millions of dollars that will be paid to them later by some local princes.

Some former soldiers say the National Guard never paid bonuses promised to them for their work as interpreters in war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan. Apparently the military says the terms must have been lost in translation.

The Trump transition team is signaling a return to the GOP establishment. Which is great news for anyone who wants to return America back to when it was great, as long as they think that time was 1928.

A judge has ordered bottled water to be delivered to residents of Flint, Michigan. At least for people who still like their water marked “unleaded.”

A computer outage grounded flights for several airlines Friday. Or as United Airlines calls that, “Friday.”

Californians have voted to ban plastic grocery bags across the state. Apparently Hollywood was leading the charge to keep plastic where it belongs. In women’s lips, breasts and rear ends.

The IMF has approved a $12 Billion loan to salvage the economy of Egypt. People were surprised at the move. The Egyptian economy is worth $12 Billion?

The IMF has approved a $12 Billion loan to salvage the economy of Egypt. Although a lot of people are suspicious about giving them money, saying it may just be another pyramid scheme.

Canadian stocks went up following the election of Donald Trump. Mostly for hotels and restaurants that Americans will be using while they look for the house they are going to buy and start living in.

Canadian stocks went up following the election of Donald Trump. This will be a first for Canada, seeing someone causing a mass migration north by people who aren’t even dodging a draft.

Doctors are reportedly embracing the practice of de-prescribing patients so they won’t be on so many medications at the same time. The good news is that the pharmaceutical industry will make up for it with all the antidepressants that will be taken by executives when they see the cuts slash their bonuses in half.

A report says a simple blood test may be used to diagnose concussions in the future. Especially when the blood used for the test is flowing out of the patient’s eyes, nose and ears.

A study says that constipation is being linked to kidney disease. If you are constipated to the point that your kidneys are failing, the question is how long have you been holding it?

An iPad video game is being used to treat kids with lazy eye. Mostly the ones who developed a lazy eye from staring too long at computer, cellphone and tablet screens.

Actor Robert Vaughn has died at age 83. He is survived by his wife, two children and an U.N.C.L.E.

Naomi Watts says it is hard to watch herself on the screen. Which people can relate to because that is exactly the same way they feel about Adam Sandler.

Mexico beat the U.S. in soccer in a match in Columbus, Ohio 2-1. The Americans just could not score, saying it was like someone built a wall around the goal.

A 108 year old Cubs fan died days after the team won the World Series for the first time since she was born. Her last words were “”I’m not going through that again.”

The Atlanta Braves have signed 43 year old pitcher Bartolo Colon who played with the Mets last year. Fans were surprised. Usually people his age coming out of New York go right past Atlanta and directly to Florida.

The Atlanta Braves have signed 43 year old pitcher Bartolo Colon who played with the Mets last year. Not to say he is getting a little old, but his contract says that when he pitches they replace the rosin bag on the mound with Medicated Gold Bond.

Amazon is offering discounts on refurbished goods. Which were mostly damaged after being smashed by the owners when they didn’t work the first time they bought them through Amazon.

Amazon is offering discounts on refurbished goods. Which means people can now buy slightly used Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones for a lower price. Not only that, they can also buy the rebuilt house that burned down when the phone exploded.

A high resolution satellite was launched in California that can tell the make of a car from 400 miles up. Except over California where the smog makes that pretty much impossible for anything farther than about 4 feet.

A high resolution satellite was launched in California that can tell the make of a car from 400 miles up. Which is really not that difficult, especially for cars abandoned on the side of the road which are usually identified as Chryslers.

Voters are targeting members of the Electoral College to change their votes to Hillary Clinton from Donald Trump. Political experts are shocked. They can’t believe there is an election controversy that doesn’t even involve Florida.

A judge says Amazon must pay $86 Million to parents because of in-app purchases made by their children. Although parents didn’t mind paying for things their kids bought while playing video games on their iPads since the price was a lot less than the college the games will keep them from ever attending.

Donald Trump says he wants to spend his time as President between New York and Washington, D.C. While he likes the idea of staying in D.C. where he will be governing, he realizes the squirrel living on top of his head still gets homesick for the apartment in Manhattan.

Kent State University is offering a course that examines the campaign of Hillary Clinton, keying on sexism. It isn’t known at this time if the course also covers incompetence, arrogance and completely failing to read the American electorate.

Kent State University is offering a course that examines the campaign of Hillary Clinton, keying on sexism. The course also includes analyzing the Titanic, Hindenburg and Waterloo.

There is speculation that Donald Trump may find a place for his kids in his administration. Which is his way of setting an example to the American public that they, too shouldn’t have to rely on the government when it comes to child care.

A poll says that 84% of the American public accepts Donald Trump as the legitimate President. The other 16%, when asked to identify him say “Oh, yeah. That’s the guy from ‘The Apprentice.’”

A poll says 4 in 10 Americans claim they are afraid of the Trump presidency. The other 6 couldn’t take the time to participate in the survey as they were too busy packing their bags to move to a different country.

A polling expert made good on his promise to “eat a bug” if Donald Trump won the election. Apparently he satisfied those holding him to his word by ordering lunch at Taco Bell.

Bernie Sanders’ wife is dismissing talk of his running for President in 2020. Mostly because by then he will be so old his only campaign promise will be to keep those kids off the White House lawn.

A pilot reportedly calmed passengers after a post-election fight broke out on his plane. The worst part is the plane he was flying is Air Force One.

A United Airlines pilot reportedly calmed passengers after a post-election flight broke out on his plane. He convinced people that their political differences were nowhere near as important as getting their affairs in order before flying United.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am finding out this is a good and bad time to be a comedy writer. Good in that Donald Trump has been more than generous in the material he has thrown our way. Bad in the point that some of his supporters have absolutely no sense of humor. I post many of my jokes on Facebook and have never seen the backlash over jokes about the election. The strange part is, that the complaints only really started after he won! Isn’t that the time most people supporting him would finally relax a bit? Oh, well. It takes all kinds to fill the world. I just know I am going to keep ripping into him as I would and do everyone else in a position of power. Why? Because it’s FUNNY! Which is pretty much the whole point of this blog, hard as that may be to believe. I just hope you continue to read the jokes and maybe spread the word to some of your friends. And of course, it’s always the best when you remember to keep on sending the love!


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