Friday, November 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The FAA has implemented a no-fly zone over Trump Tower in Manhattan. That is bad news for pilots flying out of JFK and LaGuardia airports who use the route so they can use Donald Trump’s hair as a wind vane.

A report says anxiety after the election is so high in New York City that people are booking emergency therapy sessions with psychiatrists. Although many others are finding the election results calming just knowing that Trump will be moving from their city to Washington, D.C.

The political crisis in Venezuela has brought the threat of widespread violence. Which is otherwise known in Venezuela as “Thursday.”

The political crisis in Venezuela has brought the threat of widespread violence. Which is exactly the same as what is happening in the U.S. only here protesters tend to march clockwise while in the southern hemisphere they march counterclockwise.

A show home is on display with features that would help people survive a life on Mars. To which most people who voted against Donald Trump have shown an interest but say that still isn’t far enough away.

A candidate who is being charged with impersonating a judge in Chicago was elected to a position as judge. To which most Democrats shrugged off saying we just did the same thing in the election for President.

A survey says investors fear that it is “inevitable” that Artificial Intelligence will destroy millions of jobs. To which many others didn’t believe the report as it is hard to convince them there are still millions of jobs in the first place.

A study says early Homo sapiens evolved faster by mating with their neighbors. Which means right after we were done swinging through the trees we started swinging in the caves.

A study says early Homo sapiens evolved faster by mating with their neighbors. Not only that, they started learning to run a lot faster when their neighbor’s husband came home from hunting a little earlier than expected.

Many colleges created “safe spaces” to calm students after Donald Trump won the election. Those same students could have made it all unnecessary if they had found a safe space in the election booth that they didn’t bother to vote in.

A Swedish man is offering to marry an American woman wanting to flee the country after the election for $50,000. To which most American women are saying “What’s the catch?”

A Swedish man is offering to marry an American woman wanting to flee the country after the election for $50,000. Which sounds like a good deal for many until they think about the prospect of spending the next 40 years eating lutefisk.

A Swedish man is offering to marry an American woman wanting to flee the country after the election for $50,000. Which many women are considering just for the free health care as the 50 grand pretty much equals the amount they set aside this year for their Obamacare premiums.

Canada says it is open to renegotiating its free trade deal with Donald Trump. Which will be devastating for Americans who could go to the store only to find the shelves empty of Canadian bacon, maple syrup and Labatt Blue Light beer.

A report says Facebook may have influenced the election with fake news stories. To which Fox News is saying that may be true, but they thought of it first.

The UAW says it wants to join Donald Trump in an effort to crush the NAFTA trade agreement. The only problem is that the overseas market is the only place where people aren’t familiar enough with Chryslers and will still actually buy them.

A major casino in Canada was hit with a cyber attack. To which most gaming experts were asking what are the odds of that?

A TV host in England says the election of Donald Trump was a backlash against people being branded as racists and bigots. Who then went out and voted for someone who proved it.

Several companies are facing a backlash for supporting the candidacy of Donald Trump. Mostly like the rest of us in dealing with the results of the next four years under the Trump Administration.

An environmental group is urging Starbucks to expand its cup recycling efforts. The good news is that most the used cups are staying out of the trash as customers want to keep them on display to show everyone they can afford to go to Starbucks.

Google says people have been searching the Internet in droves looking for reasons to impeach Donald Trump. So far the most popular idea is getting Monica Lewinsky back into the White House intern program.

A report says long term U.S. mortgage rates have gone up for the second week in a row. Mostly for the lack of interest in anyone thinking they will actually continue living in the U.S. the next four years.

Airlines have been using the U.S. election results as a way to promote long distance travel. Although at this point the only plane people want to see taking off on a long one way trip is Air Force One.

Private prison stocks have surged since Donald Trump was elected President. Apparently investors are really thinking he meant it when he started all those Hillary Clinton “Lock her up!” chants.

A record number of people signed up for Obamacare after the election Tuesday. Which is good since their policy will become a collector’s item right after it becomes obsolete after January 20th.

A record number of people signed up for Obamacare after the election Tuesday. Who knew that the person who would spark the most interest in Obamacare would actually be Donald Trump?

A record number of people signed up for Obamacare after the election Tuesday. Mostly for the people who don’t have health insurance but figure they need a doctor after banging their heads against the wall ever since the polls closed.

A study says the risk of catching the flu is related to a person’s birth year. The way to figure that out is to take the current year and subtracting the year you were born. If the answer is more than 85 you are probably in trouble.

A study says that people who live in contented counties live an average of two years longer than those who don’t. Which is just more bad news for the people of Michigan, Ohio, Alabama, Mississippi, New Jersey…

Doctors in China have grown a man’s replacement ear on his arm using rib cartilage. Which is really going to mess up kids trying to sing along with “The ear bone’s connected to the arm bone, the arm bone’s connected to the rib bone…”

Doctors in China have grown a man’s replacement ear on his arm using rib cartilage. Although it’s a little awkward when he’s talking to someone in a noisy room and he holds up his elbow asking them if they could say that again.

Police are searching for a man who violated a Taylor Swift restraining order. If he pursues her much longer, he could end up being the subject of an entire album’s worth of songs.

“60 Minutes” has landed an interview with Donald Trump this Sunday. The only problem is that viewers will have to sit through the first 59 minutes of him saying how his presidency will be “terrific, tremendous and the most super-classy ever.”

Billy Bob Thornton says he “never felt good enough” for Angelina Jolie. The fact that she just threw Brad Pitt out the door pretty much proves him right.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says Donald Trump’s comments about women made his job at home harder. Although apparently it had no effect at work since he pretty much looked the other way when his players were busy assaulting them.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says his officials do a great job and don’t need to go full time. Also because the league can’t afford it due to the overtime they are already paying to the people working all the extra hours reviewing the instant replay calls.

Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook’s fake news stories didn’t sway the election. He puts that blame on the fake news stories run by Drudge, Twitter and cable news.

Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook’s fake news stories didn’t sway the election. Apparently he feels it was more a fault of the people who failed to vote because they logged on to Facebook to watch cat videos all day.

The CEO of food delivery site GrubHub attacked Donald Trump and told any employees with a hateful attitude they should resign. Which is ironic for the people there who have a college degree and are hateful that they can’t find a better job than working at GrubHub.

Dungeons & Dragons, the Little People figures and the backyard swing have all been selected for induction into the National Toy Hall of Fame. To which every kid under 13 looked up from their iPad or smartphone and said “What’s a toy?”

PayPal will start letting users send and request money through Siri. The awkward part is having men ask Siri if she will talk dirty to them for $10.

A study says Brazilian free tailed bats can fly faster than any other winged creature, at up to 99 miles an hour. As opposed to the bats of the Minnesota Twins which only move that fast when one of the players throws it after striking out.

Donald Trump tweeted that people protesting his win were “very unfair” and were incited by the media. Although the only thing the media actually incited anyone to do during this election was change the channel and binge watch a series on Netflix.

Arizona finally declared a victory for Donald Trump two days after the election. The reason was pretty apparent when the truck delivering the state’s returns arrived with its turn signal flashing the entire trip.

A New York woman ran into Hillary Clinton hiking near her house after the election. The sad part is that Hillary was just following instructions of what the people just told her to do.

 A New York woman ran into Hillary Clinton hiking near her house after the election. Apparently she was trying to become the second politician in recent memory to try and disappear by heading down the Appalachian Trail.

House Speaker Paul Ryan says Donald Trump is “ready to get it done” for the country. What did he do there, give his speechwriting duties over to Larry the Cable Guy?

Donald Trump’s campaign is still asking supporters for campaign donations. There is speculation that means he is in debt, he is already planning for a re-election run or he is running his campaign like he does Trump University.

Voters in Maine narrowly approved a measure legalizing recreational marijuana. Which is great news for all the Mainers looking for something to do during the nine months they wait every year for it to finally get warm enough to go outside again.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time for a bit of a break for the weekend, and I think we can all use it. It will be nice to have a couple of days to ponder what happened in the election, see what course America will now take and most importantly to plot out which country we are going to move to. Fortunately, the Internet is world-wide (The www tells me so) which means I will still be able to deliver these late night comedy show quality (?) jokes even from my lean-to I will be renting located behind a farm house in Latvia. And of course, no matter where this election takes you, I will still expect to see you all making sure to continue to remember to keep on always sending the love!


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