Thursday, November 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

California voters turned down a ballot initiative to require porn stars to wear condoms while filming. Democrats across the state were in favor of the condom measure, saying we wouldn’t be in the mess we are in if only Donald Trump’s father had bothered to wear one.

California voters turned down a ballot initiative to require porn stars to wear condoms while filming. The downside was that anyone answering an ad to be the wardrobe assistant in a movie would have found their job assignment a bit different than what they expected.

Some California voters are considering secession after Tuesday’s election results. Not for their own state. They just now want to kick Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania out for making Donald Trump’s win possible.

A report says Donald Trump paid an average of $5 a vote, half what was spend by Hillary Clinton. Which was also about double the amount of what the average American voter has left in their bank account.

A report says Donald Trump paid an average of $5 a vote, half what was spend by Hillary Clinton. Which is really about $150 a vote if the total includes the free air time given Trump every time he spoke by CNN and the other cable networks.

A Youtube video star has pleaded guilty for faking a hate crime. What he didn’t take into account is there isn’t a jury in the country that would acquit anyone for assaulting a Youtube “star.”

A Youtube video star has pleaded guilty for faking a hate crime. Apparently he was looking for attention after seeing that his videos had become less popular than a baby playing with a key ring, a cat playing a piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

A Youtube video star has pleaded guilty for faking a hate crime. Although it wasn’t hard to believe a Youtube “star” was attacked as people remember that is how Justin Bieber got his start.

Donald Trump says he will honor the “forgotten men and women” as President. Which is ironic as the Republican Party is doing all it can to erase everyone’s memory of George W. Bush.

China reacted to the results of the presidential election with censorship and mocking the U.S. Or as that is otherwise known in China, “Wednesday.”

Cuba has announced military exercises in the wake of Donald Trump’s election. Which means all their soldiers are going through rigorous training to prepare them to do something other than their usual task of writing parking tickets.

Cuba has announced military exercises in the wake of Donald Trump’s election. Although when they talk about their navy gunboat practices, it pretty much consists of someone with an air rifle in a raft paddling around the island.

Recreational marijuana won big in the election, with six states making it legal. Mostly for people who voted in favor of the bill once they decided they would probably need it when it looked like Donald Trump was going to be President.

Recreational marijuana won big in the election, with six states making it legal. Those were the measures on the ballot that were described as “reeferendums.”

Thousands of students staged walkouts in protest of Donald Trump being elected President. Although they could have saved themselves the trouble if they would have instead walked over to the polling sites on Tuesday and actually voted.

Stocks surged for drug makers and other companies following Donald Trump’s winning the presidency. Mostly for people who will need a constant dose of Xanax to get through the next four years.

Liberty University has been ranked first on the list of the most conservative colleges in the country. All the others pretty much tied for last.

A Florida woman was robbed on the street the same day she went into labor. If she thought she was robbed on the street, just wait until she gets her bill from the hospital maternity ward.

Exit polls show Donald Trump’s win in Georgia was based on voters’ desire for change. When they say “change” they mean everything besides the guns, racism and homophobia that has been exactly the same there for the past 150 years.

A new app lets people buy restaurant leftovers. Which is so much easier than the days before smartphones where the only option for that was dumpster diving behind the Taco Bell.

A travel search engine says there has been a surge in one-way tickets to Canada since Donald Trump was elected. Which means Trump will now have to build one wall to the south to keep people out and another to the north to keep them in.

A travel search engine says there has been a surge in one-way tickets to Canada since Donald Trump was elected. Which means that there will be all kinds of construction jobs coming to the U.S., with the wall being built across the Mexican border and all kinds of bridges leading into Canada.

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo has signed a lifetime contract with Nike. Which will be worth a bit more than the similar lifetime contracts with Nike currently being signed by thousands of six year olds in China.

A report says Donald Trump will inherit an auto industry in decline. Which shouldn’t be a big deal since he is also inheriting a country where the wheels have been coming off since 2007.

A report says Donald Trump will inherit an auto industry in decline. Which should be a natural since everything else he has gotten in life has pretty much come through inheritance.

The Green Car of the Year nominations are in. The odds on favorite is the entire line of Fiat Chrysler since after a couple of months, owners find they use no gas at all while they are sitting on the side of the road.

A study says using smartphones near bedtime is causing people to lose sleep. Mostly people who own Samsung Galaxy Note 7 handsets who think any noise they hear during the night is their phone getting ready to explode.

An English mom claims eating smoothies made with sperm boosts her immune system. Especially when it comes to her being immune from ever having to worry about spending another Saturday night alone.

A study says that women have better memories than men. If the researchers conducting that survey were married, they would know that was true for anything they ever did or said from the time they were still dating.

Colorado has passed an Aid In Dying measure for the terminally ill. The state’s goal is to help those people end their lives in the fastest way possible, which is to buy them a one-way bus ticket to Cleveland.

A court has ruled that Bill Cosby’s homeowners’ insurance company will have to pay for his defamation trial court costs. What’s worse is that the same court ruled his medical insurance prescription plan has to pay for his date nights.

Wilmer Valderrama says reuniting with former “That ‘70s Show” costar Ashton Kutcher was “incredible.” Mostly from being back on an actual production set for the first time since the show ended in 2005.

Fans are calling for Kanye West to run for President in 2020. Apparently now that Donald Trump has won, since West has appeared on “The Kardashians” he has enough reality show credibility to become a serious candidate.

Fans are calling for Kanye West to run for President in 2020. He has many of the qualifications people are looking for. He is self made, is a family man and is also a religious man, going to church every week to worship himself.

The NFL Players Association is going to study marijuana as a pain management tool for players. As soon as the announcement was made, every single player in the league requested to immediately be placed on injured reserve.

Legal experts say they are worried about the uncertainty of digital privacy under a Trump presidency, with the fear of his administration snooping on e-mails, phone calls and texts. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Tell me about it.”

A report says the Yahoo hacker may still have access to users’ personal data. Apparently no one at the digital media giant has thought to change the company password to something other than “12345.”

Samsung is working on developing a foldable phone which they claim would be the new flip phone. Although they are working on another model which is more in line with the phone’s capabilities, being made more in the shape of a hand grenade.

Power issues have prompted GoPro to recall all of their Karma drones. To which some people are saying they had it coming.

The world’s most powerful telescope will be used to peer back to the dawn of time. Although scientists could get another look just as far back in time if they just wait to see the social policies of the Trump Administration.

A $100 Million telescope in Australia will join in the search for alien life. To which Donald Trump is saying “How much will it cost to get them to point that thing at our border with Mexico for a few days?”

The presidential election generated 75 Million tweets around the world. Most of them coming in way under the 140 character limit, just saying “WTF?”

As a candidate, Donald Trump blasted the AT&T/Time Warner merger saying it put too much power in the hands of a few. Mostly the subscription TV executives who allow viewers to see the cable news channels that dare to say anything negative about him.

A report says some tech founders want California to secede from the nation after Donald Trump’s presidential victory. Although most residents aren’t that concerned as they know it’s just a matter of time they will leave the nation when a major quake dumps the entire state into the Pacific Ocean.

Tens of millions of people shared their views of this week’s election on social media. Many people were shocked at what they saw. There is stuff on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram about something other than the Kardashians?

Thousands across the U.S. turned out to protest Donald Trump’s election win. If only those people could have found another way to go from their house to an organized location to voice their opinion on the matter. Like going to the polls to vote.

Donald Trump called the electoral college a “disaster” back in 2012. It looks like with Hillary Clinton winning the popular vote and ending up with Trump in the White House, he has just proved himself right.

Al Gore says he hopes to work with Donald Trump to fight climate change. It is getting so hot that even the badger living on Donald Trump’s head is thinking about skipping the White House and moving north.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the results of the election are finally sinking in. And the final tally shows that we are truly a nation of dumb people. On one hand, I get a lot of material for this site. That will actually be a big time saver, believe me. On the other, I have to live in a country that is being put into the hands of a third rate reality show host. I can hardly wait until 2020 when the Robertsons from “Duck Dynasty” take over. Which brings up another question of when does “Honey Boo Boo” turn 35 so she can run? I give up. But I hope you don’t and that you keep coming back here every day to check in on the jokes. And while you are at it, I hope you also feel free to remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The country is better off in the hands of a "third rate reality show host" Than a proven liar and criminal. At least there is some hope for honesty with Trump. There is only corruption with Clinton.