Tuesday, November 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says ISIS is planting bombs in toy stuffed animals. The first clue came when someone discovered Teddy Ruxpin being accessorized with a suicide vest.

A medical trial for a birth control injection for men shows the method prevents pregnancy but causes depression and mood swings. In other words, just like with women the sure sign there is no pregnancy is when the men start PMS-ing.

Researchers say the Zika virus shrinks testicles by 90%. Which just gave Barry Bonds new evidence to try to prove he wasn’t using steroids.

Researchers say the Zika virus shrinks testicles in mice by 90%. Which is really bad for your sex life when you are starting out being hung like a rodent.

A study says smartphones and tablets in the bedroom disrupt the sleep of children, even if they are off. The news surprised most people. Smartphones have an off button?

A study says that chubby, older fathers are more attractive to women and live longer. The question is, why would women want to be with a fat guy who needs help raising his kids without being able to inherit his money until they are old?

Bud Light has dropped its commercials featuring Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen. Mostly because people didn’t want to switch over to a light beer if they were still going to end up looking like Amy Schumer or Seth Rogen.

Bud Light has dropped its commercials featuring Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen. Apparently there isn't enough alcohol in Bud Light to make people think that Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen are funny.

High inflation in Venezuela has prompted merchants to instead of counting out money to weigh it. Which means in effect they are changing their currency from the bolivar to the pound.

A vehicle in Joe Biden’s motorcade crashed into three other cars in Delaware. The only question is why is there actually a motorcade for Joe Biden?

A vehicle in Joe Biden’s motorcade crashed into three other cars in Delaware. Apparently the driver saw it as the only way out after being told they would have to take Biden back and listen to him talking the entire ride home.

A study says oil drilling may have caused a deadly earthquake in California back in 1933. Because apparently researchers think those things never happened before or since in southern California.

A study says oil drilling may have caused a deadly earthquake in California back in 1933. The quake was deadly because that was in the days before temblors could be predicted by the foretelling jiggling of silicon breast implants.

A woman at the center of a political scandal in South Korea says she has committed crimes she deserves to die for. In the U.S. that would qualify as an insanity plea to hear a politician actually admit guilt.

A bomb scare delayed a Spirit Airlines flight out of Florida. Fortunately, the delay wasn’t for very long as a bomb on board would actually be the best thing that happens to most passengers who have to fly Spirit.

Wells Fargo has agreed to pay $50 Million to settle a lawsuit claiming they overcharged homeowners for mortgage loans. Fortunately, they will be able to more than pay it off with the millions they stole by giving customers fake accounts.

Nielsen says that ESPN lost more than 600,000 subscribers in just one month. The good news is that county clerks across the country during that same time reported 600,000 fewer filings for divorce.

A report says Americans traveled internationally in record numbers last year, despite the threats of terrorism and disease. Mostly for scouting out a new country to move to once Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump moves into the White House.

The U.S. has approved two types of genetically engineered potatoes. Which still have nothing on the most common genetically engineered potato known in most homes. The American couch variety.

A report says Mexico’s economy grew only 2% in September, the worst in two years. That is expected to change if Donald Trump loses the election and there is a comeback by the nation’s biggest industry, immigrant smugglers.

A report lists Americans’ favorite candy for Halloween. Judging by which ones are eaten fastest, it’s pretty much a tie for all of it.

A report lists Americans’ favorite candy for Halloween. Which comes down to pretty much anything in the bag that isn’t Candy Corn.

A study says that Facebook is associated with a longer life. Except for the ones whose wives found out who they are messaging every ten minutes.

A study says that Facebook is associated with a longer life. Although how many people who have used it since day one have died considering it has only been around for 12 years?

A study says that opioid overdoses are up 200% with children, who are reportedly eating them like candy. The worst part is that the opioids are less dangerous to their health than if they were instead eating candy like candy.

The CDC says two thirds of the people using e-cigarettes also smoke. Apparently those are the people who are so addicted that if they are in a no-smoking area they will resort to a bong, hookah or roll-your-own.

The CDC says two thirds of the people using e-cigarettes also smoke. The other third have moved past cigarettes and are more into using cocaine, painkillers and heroin.

Bruno Mars is being sued for plagiarism for his song “Uptown Funk.” Mostly just because anything selling over a million recordings is automatically sued as standard procedure by the family of Marvin Gaye.

Michael Phelps and Nicole Johnson were married in a beach wedding in Mexico following their secret wedding in L.A. Although he reportedly almost drowned after getting the idea of swimming ashore to the ceremony through the surf with all 28 Olympic medals around his neck.

Rock guitarist Slash claims he doesn’t owe his ex-wife any money since they were never legally married. Apparently he got his name not from his guitar style but because of his divorce court strategies.

A motorist in Virginia was arrested after he struck and injured 22 pedestrians following a NASCAR race. The man was immediately charged with impersonating Tony Stewart.

The Cleveland Cavaliers moved up their game time Tuesday night so fans could also watch Game 6 of the World Series featuring the Indians. Which could have been taken care of by Major League Baseball if they would just move the entire season up so they aren’t still playing baseball in November.

Researchers say a new discovery could solve the mystery of Amelia Earhart whose plane disappeared in 1937. Apparently some documentation was found showing that she contracted with United Airlines and her status has since been changed to “on time.”

The BLM in Alaska has released video showing a mysterious creature swimming around in an icy Alaskan river. One theory is that it is an Olympic swimming practice session for Ryan Lochte to keep him out of trouble by going somewhere in the wilderness and away from any gas stations.

Toyota has come up with technology to allow drivers to get into their cars using codes on their smartphones. How lazy have we gotten that it is just too difficult to actually take a key out of our pocket, put it into the door and turn it?

A study says the common swift stays aloft flying ten months out of the year. Mostly circling in a holding pattern over the nearest airport waiting for the United Airlines jets to finally get off the tarmac.

A report says U.S. tech companies are setting up centers in Nigeria and Kenya because of young developers there. The companies were impressed with the young Nigerians from royal families who were able to develop programs encouraging many Americans to freely give them large donations just through a series of e-mails.

Billionaire Peter Thiel says he backed Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker because single digit millionaires like Hogan can’t afford access to the justice system. It’s just too bad Thiel wasn’t around so that other cash-strapped sports hero O.J. Simpson could have actually gotten a fair trial back in 1995.

Billionaire Peter Thiel says he backed Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker because single digit millionaires like Hogan can’t afford access to the justice system. In the meantime, we can all just be thankful that at least justice is affordable for Wall Street billionaires who won’t be punished for little things like crashing the economy.

The latest fantasy game in Russia has players racing to find nuclear codes to prevent a catastrophic strike. Or as most people refer to the game, a dress rehearsal for when Donald Trump moves into the White House.

The Octomom says she wants to lose her nickname. Which she was just about to do since before she brought it up again, no one has even spoken about the Octomom in the past five years.

Donald Trump is reportedly refusing to pay his pollster $750,000. Apparently  Trump feels the researcher must be incompetent because he still can’t show Trump leading in any of the polls.

Donald Trump is reportedly refusing to pay his pollster $750,000. Apparently Trump can’t trust the findings of someone who thought the odds were pretty good that he would be paid off by Donald Trump.

Ohio Governor John Kasich says he voted early and cast his vote for President for John McCain. Which shows people claiming the lines are long at Ohio polling stations may have a point when their governor is voting with a ballot from 2008.

Hillary Clinton has reportedly abandoned a plan over the last few days of the election to switch to a more positive campaign tone. Which most politicians who have been around the past 50 years would agree with, saying “Why change now?”

Tech billionaire Peter Thiel says he backs Donald Trump, suggesting Silicon Valley is “out of touch.” Which with his endorsement he completely proved correct.

The State Department has issued a travel warning for anyone planning to go to Turkey. Which is timely since going to turkey is all most Americans think about when we are this close to Thanksgiving.

The State Department has issued a travel warning for anyone planning to go to Turkey. Which is given to anyone planning to travel there right after they answer the question of what reason could they possibly have to want to go to Turkey?

A Kansas museum pays homage to the losers of all the presidential elections. When asked if they are preparing for the next exhibit to feature Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, museum officials say it looks like the real loser of this election will be the American people.

“Duck Dynasty” star Reed Robertson has married his high school sweetheart. People who watch the show were surprised by the announcement. No one had any idea any of the “Duck Dynasty” family ever went to high school.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The World Series could end tonight. If it does, I hope we as a country are ready to deal with the millions of Cubs fans who will be borderline suicidal. Although there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. If they have waited 108 years to get this far, what’s another few decades? I just know the worst moment of the year in sports for me is the last out of the World Series no matter who wins because it means the end of baseball until March. That means, football, basketball and cold weather. That is when I go into my seasonal depression, which can be remedied by having all of you out there remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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