Sunday, October 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The second presidential debate took place last night. Wouldn't you know they gave Donald Trump that same defective microphone that gave him the sniffles?

The U.S. military ran a test where they dropped two dummy bombs on Nevada. Unlike if they used real bombs, in which case Donald Trump would be able to say the name of the state would be pronounced “O-blit-er-a-ted.”

India held an “exorcism fair” where hundreds of people went to rid themselves of “possessed demons.” Which is the opposite of what happens in the U.S. when people go to fairs and become possessed after eating several sticks of deep fried butter.

Scientists say three types of apes have the ability to know when someone holds a false belief. That’s nothing new. Apparently the researchers are just finding out about “See no evil,” “speak no evil” and “hear no evil.”

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte has dared the CIA to oust him from power. To which the CIA says he had better watch what he says. Fidel Castro is barely hanging on at this point and they have only been working on him since 1957.

A study says kids inherit their intelligence from their mothers. To which Britney Spears’ kids on one hand curse their luck, but on the other hand realize it could be worse and instead they could have gotten their smarts from Kevin Federline.

A study says kids inherit their intelligence from their mothers. To which Donald Trump’s kids say that’s a good thing but they are most thankful that they didn’t get passed down their hair genes from their father.

A bakery in Scotland is serving cakes made with insects to give people a protein boost. Not only that, but it is the only fitting dessert to top off a dinner with a main course of haggis.

A bakery in Scotland is serving cakes made with insects to give people a protein boost. To which Americans say who needs to go to Scotland? If they want to eat insects here there is always the closest Taco Bell drive thru.

A Denmark high court has ordered bookstores not to sell or publish a book based on interviews with the country’s former intelligence chief. Apparently they are worried about keeping the nation’s top secret, the ingredients that go into a cheese Danish.

A Denmark high court has ordered bookstores not to sell or publish a book based on interviews with the country’s former intelligence chief. Apparently they are worried about giving away the nation’s top military secrets, like the current location of all 12 of its soldiers.

Egypt has admonished the U.S. Embassy in Cairo over its issuance of a travel warning to avoid large public gatherings. Apparently they are insulted that all Middle East countries are stereotyped as being dangerous just because of Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Syria, Lebanon…

The CEO of male escort site Rentboy.com has pleaded guilty to promoting prostitution. Apparently his first mistake was thinking no one would suspect there was any male prostitution going on with a site called “Rentboy.”

A report says Russia wants to re-establish its former bases in Cuba and Vietnam. Mostly because they are thinking if Americans are thinking about electing Donald Trump President, the whole world is headed back to 1963.

A report says Chinese companies are exporting a drug that can be used as a chemical weapon. If the Chinese wanted to inflict poison gases on the rest of the world, all they need to do is start selling cans full of air samples taken from Beijing.

A report says the egg industry launched a two year long war against a company trying to sell a vegan mayonnaise. It is the biggest conflict involving eggs that didn’t involve any neighbors of Justin Bieber.

Mylan has agreed to pay $465 Million to settle claims that health care programs were overcharged for the company’s EpiPen. To which Mylan says it will pay the fine just as soon as they can double the price of the device again next week.

Mylan has agreed to pay $465 Million to settle claims that health care programs were overcharged for the company’s EpiPen. Apparently Mylan’s feeling is that there can’t be a price put on human life, but there is a price on the next vacation home being looked at by their CEO.

NASA says they have flown a huge drone over Hurricane Matthew. The drone picked up important information about the storm but more importantly was able to determine if it was possible to deliver pizzas by air during a natural disaster.

McDonald’s says that only 1 in 5 Millennials says they have ever eaten a Big Mac. Apparently the other 4 say the burgers just don’t satisfy their minimum daily requirements for all three basic ingredients of sugar, salt and fat.

McDonald’s says that only 1 in 5 Millennials says they have ever eaten a Big Mac. Mostly because the other 4 are on strict diets that only allow them to eat Domino’s Pizza, Taco Bell Chalupas and Captain D’s fried fish.

Recently uncovered e-mails show that the White House coordinated with the Clinton campaign to lessen the fallout over Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server. Apparently they thought what harm could have possibly come from any more private discussions sent out using e-mail?

Victims of Hurricane Matthew in Florida took to social media to shame price gougers. Until they realized that being charged $7 for a churro at Disney World is the every day price.

A report says bans on toy guns are gaining ground in cities across America. Especially in the South where the people figure why give kids toy guns when it only causes confusion when they want to go outside and play with their real ones.

Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Mostly for promoting world peace by soothing the planet’s population with a strong entertainment industry in Hollywood that would collapse without an unwavering supply of cocaine.

Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Mostly from the fact that there are still somehow some people who are still left alive in Medellin.

President Obama has already voted 31 days before the election. Mostly so he can now concentrate on packing up his stuff so on January 20th he is ready to hand over the keys to the winner and say “It’s all yours now.”

Olympic leaders have begun a summit about the global anti-doping system. Mostly as a way to use drug testing expose illegal drug use by athletes to take away attention from all the Olympic officials caught taking bribes.

Olympic leaders have begun a summit about the global anti-doping system. Mostly as a way to see how they can take the cost of drug testing and funnel even more money into the pockets of the Olympic officials.

Olympic leaders have begun a summit about the global anti-doping system. Mostly as a way to find out how a guy who acts like Ryan Lochte still manages to keep testing negative.

A study says staying healthy may help a person’s golf performance. Which still doesn’t explain how John Daly has managed to win two major championships.

A study says staying healthy may help a person’s golf performance. Apparently they based their study on Tiger Woods who had to stay in peak physical shape just to run around with 15 different mistresses.

A study says staying healthy may help a person’s golf performance. Because it takes tremendous stamina to be able to ride around in a cart for five hours while drinking beer and taking an occasional swipe at a golf ball.

A vegan mom in Pennsylvania has been charged with malnourishing her 11 month old son. Apparently authorities became suspicious when they heard reports that there was actually a vegan living in Pennsylvania.

A vegan mom in Pennsylvania has been charged with malnourishing her 11 month old son. Apparently the child’s doctor became alarmed when the child was brought in for a visit and tested for a normal weight.

A study says U.S. health is challenged by smoking, diabetes, high blood pressure, drug abuse and gun violence. Which is not to be confused with what is also a description of a bail hearing for Suge Knight.

A study says hearing loss in older people may be from their brains having a harder time processing speech. Meaning after reaching a certain age, people just quit caring what anyone else has to say.

A study says hearing loss in older people may be from their brains having a harder time processing speech. Especially when their grandchildren come up and say “Don’t throw shade on my friends just because they got turnt or they will think you are ratchet.”

Tech store workers in Oklahoma fought off an intruder who attacked them with a knife. The worst part will be for the attacker who will go to prison and have to explain to the other inmates he was overpowered by a bunch of tech workers.

Billy Bush says he is “horribly embarrassed” by the recently released tape with his interview of Donald Trump. Which is a pretty strong statement to say he is more embarrassed about that than being the nephew of George W. Bush.

Billy Bush says he is “horribly embarrassed” by the recently released tape with his interview of Donald Trump. Mostly the part that people realize he has been spending the past 12 years hosting “Access Hollywood.”

The Desert Trip concert took place over the weekend in Indio, California featuring The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan and Paul McCartney. The difference between that and Woodstock was the Baby Boomers then were smoking pot and dropping acid, and now they are smoking Cuban cigars and taking Viagra.

Khloe Kardashian, Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner canceled appearances to promote their books in the wake of Kim Kardashian’s robbery. Some people were upset at the state of humanity. How far have we sunk when people are buying books written by Khloe Kardashian, Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner?

Action figures from “The Golden Girls” were unveiled at the New York Comic-Con. The dolls actually come with their own walkers, Life Alert bracelets and interchangeable one-size-fits-all casket.

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam newton was fined for taunting an opposing player who gave him a concussion. Didn’t the fact he received a brain injury sort of even out that score?

The U.S. is officially blaming Russia’s government for hacking to influence elections. Apparently government officials here are trying to do anything they can to avoid being held responsible for the choice between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

NASA says there was limited initial damage to the Kennedy Space Center from Hurricane Matthew. Which means the only real damage done at NASA is still confined to when they try to actually launch something into space.

House Speaker Paul Ryan denounced Donald Trump’s recent remarks about women, saying that women are to be “championed and revered.” Unless, of course they happen to be Elizabeth Warren, Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton is planning a new effort to win over white, working-class men. The only problem will be transforming her with the qualities needed to win over that segment of the voting population. Making her 25, single and hot.

140 people were killed in Yemen in an attack at a funeral home. At least now in the Middle East they have figured out how to kill each other and save money by cutting out the middle man.

A campaign against celebrating Columbus Day is growing in many cities. The only problem is that most Americans aren't sure if they want to replace it with a day honoring Cleveland, Cincinnati or Dayton. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am writing this early Sunday which makes it so much harder not getting to use any of the material from tonight’s presidential debate. Although in all honesty I can’t top what either of them will probably say so it’s just as well. I’m sure there will be enough left over for tomorrow, next week and the next four years. That will be inspiration enough, although nothing keeps me going like when you all remember to keep on always sending the love!


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