Friday, October 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Experts say that Hurricane Matthew could make parts of Florida “uninhabitable for months.” To which the people of Detroit are telling them, “You’ll get used to it.”

A report says some of the most rich and powerful people believe the world is part of a computer simulation. And judging by the tone of this presidential election, we are right in the middle of a game of “Angry Birds.”

A report says researchers are growing human brains outside the body in laboratories. Which is a little different than the members of Congress who have been able to move their brains from their head to their backside.

NFL TV viewership has dropped 10% over last year. Mostly because anyone who wants to watch full on contact that isn’t constantly interrupted by officials can get exactly what they want by instead tuning into the presidential debates.

Scientists say unchecked climate change could lead to a megadrought in the U.S. Southwest. Or it could also be brought on by the fact the area has millions of people living right in the middle of a desert.

A fired U.S. General is being accused of trying to expense $3,000 in nightclub visits to the government. Which explains why even off the battlefield he always ran around yelling “Charge!”

A fired U.S. General is being accused of trying to expense $3,000 in nightclub visits to the government. Everything would have been fine if he had just stuck to his job and approved weapons systems cost overruns of $50 Billion to companies he was consulting.

NOAA says that cows and rice farmers and not fossil fuels are driving a worldwide rise in methane. Which means it turns out all this time the real culprit for global warming is the simultaneous burning of all those hibachi grills.

A report says North Korea performs $975 Million in forced labor each year. And that’s just the people who are forced to keep giving Kim Jong-un that same haircut.

A report says North Korea performs $975 Million in forced labor each year. People were surprised. No one had any idea that Nike had opened factories in that part of the world.

Thousands of flights have been canceled in Florida ahead of the arrival of Hurricane Matthew. After being congratulated for taking the action to protect lives from the hurricane, a spokesperson at United Airlines said “Hurricane?”

A study says that 63% of Americans are worried about keeping their job. The other 37% are looking forward to that feeling once they finally find a job.

A study says that 63% of Americans are worried about keeping their job. Mostly the ones who would like to lose their job in favor of one that doesn’t make them perform menial tasks for $7.85 an hour.

Lawmakers are accusing Mylan of overcharging the government for their EpiPen medical device. Now, once they figure the hospitals, doctors and insurance companies are also all doing the same thing we might be getting somewhere.

Lawmakers are accusing Mylan of overcharging the government for their EpiPen medical device. Which they found out about after their staff members actually read what was said at the recent hearings Congress held with Mylan.

The diamond industry is starting a campaign to encourage Millennials to buy diamond engagement rings and make a “real” commitment. To which young people are saying their money is already tied up for the next 20 years to the commitment they have to pay off their college loans.

Wal-Mart says they are planning to slow down the opening of any new stores. Apparently they know it’s time to scale back when they get close to having the same number of locations as Starbucks.

A report says the government spend $1 Billion on EpiPens over the past five years. Which amounted to $3,500 for the devices with the rest going to commissions, profits and new vacation homes for the company’s CEO.

A report says announced layoffs in September eliminated 44,000 jobs. People were surprised. We still had 44,000 jobs in the U.S.?

A report says announced layoffs in September eliminated 44,000 jobs. Which having an announced layoff is still better than the usual way people find out their job is gone by showing up to work and finding all the doors have been locked.

Theme parks in Orlando have shut down for the first time since 2004 in anticipation of Hurricane Matthew. Which means there could be catastrophic losses, with just the loss of sales of churros at Disney World for two days totaling more than $7 Billion.

Blood testing company Theranos says it will close wellness centers and labs while laying off 340 employees. When told Theranos would revolutionize the blood testing industry, workers had no idea the eventual bloodletting would come from them.

A study says that people who love their coworkers get a boost to their own health. Although workers should be warned that doesn’t apply to anyone who loves their coworkers like Roger Ailes.

A study says small talk can contribute to a person’s well being. Except when anyone in this day and age tries to start a conversation involving politics, religion or sports.

A study says children with disabilities may not be getting enough exercise at school. Which is good because it means they will not be feeling they are different than any of the other students.

A study says that sex gets better with age with women. Mostly when their husbands get to the point where they are too old to be able to chase around younger women anymore.

Researchers say that herbal and dieting supplements are tied to liver damage in some people. Especially when the people are washing down their supplement pills with a gallon of port wine.

Researchers say that herbal and dieting supplements are tied to liver damage in some people. Especially when the supplements they are using are barley, hops and malt.

A study says depression can fuel heart disease in midlife women. Which just makes it worse for the women who have become depressed about reaching midlife.

Vanilla Ice says he will stay in Florida and ride out Hurricane Matthew. To which most people are saying that is exactly the same advice they would have given him.

Kim Kardashian reportedly discovered that “material things mean nothing” after being robbed at gunpoint. To which her family says she has their full support and they will do what they can for her right after they finish with their intervention.

Kim Kardashian reportedly discovered that “material things mean nothing” and will no longer flaunt her wealth after being robbed at gunpoint. Which means she is considering retiring from whatever it was she did to make all that money.

Rapper Fetty Wap brought $165,000 in cash to a New Jersey courtroom to pay off $360 in fines stemming from a traffic stop. In case you wondered, “Fetty Wap” is the sound made by getting hit in the face with $165,000 in small bills.

Forbes says Dr. Phil is the top paid TV host, making $88 Million in the past year. Which most people in therapy know is a bargain compared to what they shell out to their shrink just in copays every month.

The White Stripes say they are “disgusted” by Donald Trump’s use of their song “Seven Nation Army.” To which Trump says he didn’t know that was a song title, that is just his national defense strategy.

The Rolling Stones are set to release their first new album in over a decade. Apparently it took their record company that long to make the studios completely disabled-accessible.

The Rolling Stones are set to release their first new album in over a decade. Not to say they are getting older, but now when they sing “Satisfaction” they are talking about the feeling of being regular.

The baseball fan accused of throwing a beer can at an Orioles player in Toronto is being charged with mischief. Although shouldn’t “mischief” be a term used for the antics only of people who aren’t old enough to buy beer?

Three men, one from the U.S. are being charged with smuggling technology to the Russians. The embarrassing part is with Russia’s track record with modernization, the men were caught smuggling in some transistors, diodes and a circuit board.

A new feature on Instagram called Stories has reportedly reached 100 Million daily users. Although 99 Million of them are thinking of dropping it since the only pictures they have gotten are being sent by Anthony Weiner.

A new feature on Instagram called Stories has reportedly reached 100 Million daily users. Which is great news for people who want to share photos who have never heard of Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Shutterfly, Webshots, Flickr…

Verizon is asking for a $1 Billion discount for the price of its impending offer to buy Yahoo because of recent privacy concerns. That would drop the sale price to $3.8 Billion, which will be even less with the recent discovery by Verizon of a 50% coupon on digital giants from Groupon.

A research group confirms the waters off the coast of New York and New Jersey serve as a “nursery” for great white sharks. Which has sparked an interest by people to see a reunion featuring a beach party for the cast members of “Jersey Shore.”

Scientists say a floating “island of trash” in the Pacific Ocean is larger than previously thought. Although it turns out that researchers may have confused the original collection of garbage with Guam.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is testing a membership program. Not only that, the company may expand their stores into France which would be different than here in America as they would only be called “Bed & Beyond.”

A report says authorities caught only half the immigrants making illegal border crossings last year. That doesn’t even include the ones they throw back for being too small.

A report says authorities caught only half the immigrants making illegal border crossings last year. That’s by design. If they caught them all, the government would have a tough time coming up with a reason to keep on funding them.

Matt Drudge is catching flack over a tweet implying Hurricane Matthew’s intensity was exaggerated by the government to push an agenda of climate change. Which may have had some credibility until the Hurricane Center dropped their forecast of Matthew strengthening to a Category 12 storm.

Matt Drudge is catching flack over a tweet implying Hurricane Matthew’s intensity was exaggerated by the government to push an agenda of climate change. People were surprised. They are waiting until now to question Matt Drudge’s credibility?

Florida Governor Rick Scott says he will not extend the voter registration deadline because of Hurricane Matthew. Apparently he is thinking now that Justice Scalia is gone and hasn’t been replaced, he has to do what he can now to make Florida a factor in the November election.

Bernie Sanders says the November election is about the survival of the middle class. Which most people are saying apparently he wasn’t sent a notice about the funeral of the middle class when it was held back in 2007.

 Independent presidential candidate Evan McMullin has announced his running mate Mindy Finn. When told she was selected, Finn’s first question was “Who is Evan McMullin?”

Gary Johnson is set to deliver his foreign policy address. He says so far the only problem he is having with the foreign policy address is figuring out which Zip Code goes on it.

The FCC is proposing Internet providers must ask to share users’ data with advertisers. To which most men say they have no problem with anyone knowing what they are doing online just as long as their wives don’t find out.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another batch of moderately rated humor from the self-proclaimed most prolific joke writer on the planet. I figure if I give myself a title, it might stick and people may actually believe it. Like Howard Stern being the “King of All Media” or Fox News being “Fair & Balanced.” So start passing that along and see if we can get more people checking out the blog. It is the latest move in my attempt at Internet domination. Why couldn’t I just have been born with a huge butt like Kim Kardashian? It would have been so much easier. I am signing off for the weekend. Hope you enjoy your days off, and manage to get a few minutes where you can make sure to remember to keep on sending the love!


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