Thursday, October 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The IMF says the world debt is up to a record $152 Trillion. To which the U.S. Congress is taking great pride, saying as how they have only managed to get us $19 Trillion into the hole.

George W. Bush made a video telling Americans to vote in November, although he didn’t make a recommendation on whom to vote for. Apparently he will make that video as soon as he finds out who is running.

Hawaiian Airlines is being sued for weighing passengers before flights. The worst part is for the people who go over the limit and get tagged and put into the cargo hold.

Hawaiian Airlines is being sued for weighing passengers before flights. That’s no problem on United Airlines because of delays and lack of service, anyone who is over the weight limit getting on the plane has lost 20 pounds by the time they land.

Researchers say humans have reached the maximum of their natural life span, which is 115 years. Although because of the use of Botox, silicon and grafting, Cher is saying “Just watch me.”

Researchers say humans have reached the maximum of their natural life span, which is 115 years. Although a word of warning to anyone thinking they can live forever. If Arnold Palmer wasn’t able to achieve immortality, nobody is.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack says Americans need to stop wasting food, even if it means cutting back on portions. He isn’t worried about running out of food, he’s just tired of having to make wide detours just to get around people walking down the hallway.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack says Americans need to stop wasting food, even if it means cutting back on portions. When someone from Iowa where all they do is make food says we may be running low, it’s time to listen.

Russia is telling its citizens nuclear war with the West could happen soon. Or Americans could instead decide to vote for Hillary Clinton.

The Chinese public has named the U.S. their top threat. If they think we could be a problem now, just wait until they try and collect any of that money they loaned us.

Ford Executive Chairman Bill Ford, Jr. met with Donald Trump over what he called Trump’s “infuriating” and “mistaken” comments about moving the company to Mexico. He says he would have been much better if Trump had made more realistic criticisms, like over the poor quality and reliability of Ford products.

Antonio Guterres, the former Prime Minister of Portugal has been named as the next Secretary General of the United Nations. People were surprised. When did anyone bother to actually vote Portugal into the U.N.?

Hillary Clinton blasted Donald Trump’s “meanness” towards women. To which Republicans say the charges are unfair. Trump is equally mean to men, minorities and children.

Google says its automated cars have mastered the first 90% of driving, but the last 10% is the hardest. Mostly because the first 90% involves the ability to go and steer. It’s that 10% of avoiding hitting other cars and people that gets tough.

The Mall of America in Minnesota says it will be closed Thanksgiving Day. Which is going to be a big disappointment for the people who were looking forward to having their traditional Arby’s turkey sandwich for Thanksgiving dinner in the food court.

The Mall of America in Minnesota says it will be closed Thanksgiving Day. They say they want to give their workers a day off to gear up and prepare their self-defense strategies for when customers come charging through the doors on Black Friday.

Consumer Reports says water resistance is the only feature on the new iPhone 7 worth the upgrade. Especially to protect the phone from all the tears that buyers will be crying when they realize Apple just took them for another $700.

A report says restaurant jobs are safe from being taken over by robots for now. Which is great news for all the people who really want to stay in a career that allows them to deal with rude customers on changing shifts while making $7.85 an hour.

Some stores are catering to customers’ desires to trace their meals back to a single animal. At Taco Bell, they already offer that service. It’s just that customers don’t want to find out what animal it is.

A report says working class white men are making less than they did in 1996. The only question most people have is what happened to cause such a drop in unemployment benefits?

A report says working class white men are making less than they did in 1996. The worst part is that 20 years ago, most working class white men were still making their money off having a paper route.

A gas pump overcharged a Florida couple nearly $10,000 for a tank of gas. The store’s owner apologized, saying the pump’s prices were accidentally set ahead of time for the amount they were going to gouge customers after Hurricane Matthew made landfall.

A report says 20% of the world’s seafood is mislabeled. Mostly the 20% that is sold at Red Lobster and is labeled as “seafood.”

A report says 20% of the world’s seafood is mislabeled. Which means the other 80% is correctly identified as “mercury and petroleum that may contain elements of fish.”

Google’s self-driving car program has passed the 2 Million mile mark. The only problem is that they were trying to program the car to just drive around the block.

A study says the Washington, D.C. “governing elite” think Americans are morons. Well, we are the ones who elected them.

A study says the Washington, D.C. “governing elite” think Americans are morons. The only question is with a deficit of $19 Trillion, high unemployment and a sputtering economy, who came up with the description “governing elite”?

U.S. workers report that hiring activity at their places of work is at record high levels. The only problem is the people being hired are younger workers from foreign countries who will replace the current employees for less money.

A poll says the biggest factor on whether women stay in the workforce or leave is children. Especially the women who were working for Nike and just found out they were replaced by a six year old.

A study says Botox can be used to treat bladder problems. Especially when it comes to the wrinkles that are caused by women who are grimacing while trying to hold it in until they can make it to the bathroom in time.

A study says Botox can be used to treat bladder problems. Mostly for women who want to look 15 years younger so when they buy a box of Depends they can say it’s for their mother.

A study says the bigger a person’s yawn, the bigger their brain. Which means we need to finally recognize Adam Sandler for his part in developing a product that all this time has actually been making us smarter.

A study of fitness trackers says there is no evidence they raise people’s activity levels enough to improve their health. Mostly because the people end up sitting around for hours at a time just trying to figure out how to they work.

A study of fitness trackers says there is no evidence they raise people’s activity levels enough to improve their health. Especially the ones that link to their smartphones where instead of working out they end up watching three hours of cat videos.

A study says dermatologists accept millions of dollars from pharmaceutical companies. To which the dermatologists said when it was discovered, it’s no skin off their back.

Demi Lovato says she will be taking a break from music in 2017. People were sad at the news. Why couldn’t the person who convinced her to do that instead have a talk with Justin Bieber?

Dolly Parton says she wants to collaborate with Snoop Dogg. To which even Snoop Dogg when hearing that asked what she is smoking.

Rapper Kid Cudi has checked into rehab for depression and suicidal urges. Is that news? it’s never been a secret that anyone who wants a career in rap has some sort of death wish.

Apple has again been named the world’s most valuable brand, with Google coming in second. Mostly because Google couldn’t even show it had the ability to manipulate a search to make themselves number one.

Two trees thought to be extinct were found in the garden of Queen Elizabeth II. Botanists thought they had found a third extinct tree in the garden but it turns out it was only Prince Charles.

Facebook has rolled out a “secret conversations” mode where only the two people chatting can see the text. Which will be known by most people using it as the “divorce prevention” mode.

Facebook has rolled out a “secret conversations” mode where only the two people chatting can see the text. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “Oh, NOW they come up with that idea.”

Car2go, the car-sharing service offering one-way trips in cities has reached the two million member milestone. Now all they need to do is get up to four million members so people can get a ride back the other way.

Donald Trump gave a speech in Nevada where he claimed the people are saying the name of their state wrong. Which is strange to hear from someone coming from the state they insist on calling “Noo Yawk.”

Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson gave an interview where he couldn’t recall the name of the leader of North Korea. What was worse is the host prompted him by saying it was the guy with the bad haircut to which Johnson said “Donald Trump is running another country?”

Donald Trump’s supporters say they are behind him because they feel he can fix the economy. How bad is it when we are putting our financial faith in someone whose reason for not paying taxes is from running a company that lost $1 Billion in a year?

Michelle Obama has announced new funding of $2.5 Million for the White House kitchen garden. Which people are saying is a lot of lettuce even for a garden.

Michelle Obama has announced new funding of $2.5 Million for the White House kitchen garden. Putting $2.5 Million into a backyard vegetable garden at least gives a little insight as to why we are now sitting on a $19 Trillion national debt.

Michelle Obama has announced new funding of $2.5 Million for the White House kitchen garden. People were surprised. It would probably cost even less if she got all her vegetables at the nearest Whole Foods.

Ralph Nader has given both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump failing grades in their campaigns. The worst part is yet to come when the one who wins gets into the White House and starts breaking all the promises that were bad to begin with.

Ralph Nader has given both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump failing grades in their campaigns. It’s gotten so bad that he is suggesting that no matter who wins should have their presidential limousine be a Chevy Corvair.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, I’m in a crappy mood. The San Francisco Giants won their wild card game over the Mets with a 9th inning home run. As a Dodgers fan it’s a tough call whether it’s worse to see my team lose or the Giants win. Hopefully the Cubs will make quick work of them and then the Dodgers can take their rightful place as World Series champs. Hey, it’s been since 1988. The Cubs are used to losing by now so I have no problem in seeing the Dodgers squash their dreams. My dreams are based on how the Dodgers come out and whether all of you remember to keep on always sending the love!


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