Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

James Madison University in Virginia has come out with a list of 35 phrases that should be avoided on campus. The first and foremost is “So how much is the tuition around here?”

Florida has declared a state of emergency over the approach of Hurricane Matthew. Meanwhile, the rest of the country has declared a state of emergency in Florida as there is an upcoming presidential election.

A report says Atlantic City is near default. Apparently they would have been able to stay solvent if only one of their casino owners had been able to find a way to pay any taxes.

San Bernardino, California has shut down their city hall because of the threat of an upcoming major earthquake. Or as a major quake is called in San Bernardino, “urban renewal.”

A school district in Connecticut has banned clown costumes and “any symbols of terror” for Halloween. Which means it is forbidden to dress as any of history’s most notorious villains, including Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein or Emmett Kelly.

Iran, where more than 1,000 people were executed last year says it is considering cutting back. Apparently the country’s leaders don’t want to lose their head over it.

Iran, where more than 1,000 people were executed last year says it is considering cutting back. Prisoners are on the fence over the issue, saying it beats having to keep on living in Iran.

The presidential election is five weeks away, with early voting already underway. While many prefer to cast their votes ahead of time, others prefer to wait to the last minute to be able to consider every single dumb thing said by all the candidates.

A North Carolina man has covered his car with 51,300 pennies. Apparently he always wanted to own a Lincoln.

A North Carolina man has covered his car with 51,300 pennies. At least this way he never runs out of change he might need for a parking meter.

A North Carolina man has covered his car with 51,300 pennies. Which means if the car is a Ford, at least he can claim it is worth $513.

Several anti-smoking groups are suing the FDA over delays in putting graphic warnings on cigarette packs. Although the question is, how much more graphic do they need to be than saying that smoking the cigarettes will kill you?

Several anti-smoking groups are suing the FDA over delays in putting graphic warnings on cigarette packs. The real question is when are they going to put graphic warnings on packages of processed deli meats, canned fish and frozen pizza?

A report says sales of cheaper apartments in Manhattan have been dropping. Although it should be noted that a “cheaper” apartment in Manhattan is one that is only 25 times more expensive than anyone can possibly afford.

The House has passed a bill that would delay implementing overtime pay for 4.2 Million American workers. Only Congress would put in the extra work necessary to pass a law that would actually prevent something from moving forward.

The House has passed a bill that would delay implementing overtime pay for 4.2 Million American workers. Apparently it’s tough to convince the need for overtime pay to a group that consistently puts in a 15 hour work week.

The IMF has cut its forecast for the U.S. and other advanced economies. Mostly because when listing the world’s advanced economies, it’s a bit of a stretch to try to include the U.S. in there in the first place.

A new candle gives off the same smell as a newly opened Mac computer. Which is different than the candle that gives off the smell of burning rubber to reproduce the smell of Microsoft’s Windows Vista.

A new candle gives off the same smell as a newly opened Mac computer. It has proven to be such a hit that Ford is considering marketing the same kind of candle, which would naturally have the scent of lemon.

A report says the average U.S. household will spend $1,388 on Christmas. And that doesn’t even include bail money after being arrested for taking part in a Wal-Mart brawl on Black Friday.

A report says the average U.S. household will spend $1,388 on Christmas. It would be less but that amount includes buying presents that were put on IOU status since the economy tanked in 2007.

A study says states with legalized marijuana have seen a significant boost in workforce participation by older Americans. Mostly those who got a prescription for pot and take on jobs at pizzerias so they can get in on the employee discount.

A study says that money troubles are linked to poorer brain health. Which explains a lot of what Donald Trump says after his tax returns show he lost $1 Billion in just one year.

Experts say that some people training for their first Marathon actually gain weight. Apparently those people didn’t read the part of the training manual that says they are supposed to do some running.

Experts say coming up with a vaccine for the Zika virus could be profitable for pharmaceutical companies. That will be a proven fact once their participation in the search for a cure is announced by Mylan.

A UK woman has died from sepsis she contracted after cutting herself while working in the garden. Which gives one more argument to all the Americans who already have dozens of reasons why they refuse to ever eat any vegetables.

A study says doctors’ political beliefs can sway their treatments. For instance, conservative doctors will have patients turn their heads to the right and liberal doctors to the left when they have them cough.

A study says workers who feel they might lose their job have a higher risk of Type 2 Diabetes. Especially any Miss Universe contestants working for Donald Trump who are at risk of both diabetes and being fired after putting on a few pounds.

A report says a mysterious Polio-like illness is paralyzing U.S. children. The only problem is telling the difference between children that have the disease and the ones who are just playing with an iPad.

Ben Stiller says a prostate exam saved his life. Not only can the test save lives, but it’s nowhere near as uncomfortable as having to sit through an entire screening of “Zoolander 2.”

French police say the people who robbed Kim Kardashian were likely posing as paparazzi before the attack. Which shows the robbers had no scruples and were willing to sink to any depth necessary to commit their crimes.

Melissa Ethridge is taking the side of Brad Pitt in his divorce from Angelina Jolie, saying she nearly asked him to be a sperm donor for her children, but ended up instead choosing David Crosby. The only question is what criteria were used to come up with that kind of drop off from first to second choice?

Former USC and Raiders quarterback Todd Marinovich is being charged in connection with a nude break-in attempt of a home in Irvine, California. Apparently he felt vulnerable with no clothes on as he was used to dropping back into the pocket.

Former USC and Raiders quarterback Todd Marinovich is being charged in connection with a nude break-in attempt of a home in Irvine, California. The sad part is being paired with Terry Bradshaw and having to hear Bradshaw referred to as “the normal one.”

Former WWE wrestler Alberto Del Rio says he was robbed at knifepoint outside an airport restaurant. It’s just as well. The results would have been the same if he went inside and ordered a meal.

Former WWE wrestler Alberto Del Rio says he was robbed at knifepoint outside an airport restaurant. Which brings up the question why is there never a folding chair around when you need one?

Amazon’s Alexa will soon have coffee making capabilities. So the female voice assistant will now be able to brew coffee on command. Who did the programming, Donald Trump?

Paleontologists in the Gobi Desert have found the largest dinosaur footprint ever. Which is a victory for men everywhere knowing that someone was able to get away with tracking a muddy footprint right into the middle of the living room.

Yahoo says it allowed the government to search all incoming e-mails for specific intelligence. To which Hillary Clinton says “You mean I went to all that trouble to hide my e-mails on a private server for nothing?”

Google has introduced Assistant, its counterpart to Siri, Cortana and Alexa. Which means the first question about it will be why they couldn’t come up with a better name than “Assistant”?

An ancient Mayan codex has been determined to be the oldest document in the Americas. At least besides Larry King’s birth certificate.

A blog posted on the RNC website declared Mike Pence the vice presidential debate winner even before the contest started. Apparently they took the idea of announcing the winner ahead of time from the Florida Secretary of State.

Donald Trump said he would be live tweeting during the vice presidential debate. But he dropped that idea when he found out it would be done way before his usual tweeting time of 3am.

The battle for control of the Senate has crossed the half billion dollar mark in campaign spending. Which is nothing when you consider the same group has managed to help mismanage us into a $19 Trillion national debt.

Donald Trump bragged that other countries’ stock markets fall when his poll numbers rise. Just like his income drops right around the time his tax lawyers start to put together his returns.

A poll says Donald Trump is seen as less conservative than past GOP nominees. Which brings up the question as to which other candidates ever said they wanted to drop the bomb, build a wall and kick an entire religion out of the country?

A survey says three quarters of all Americans can’t name all three branches of the government. They should know the executive branch oversteps its power, the legislative branch does anything as long as there are donations involved and the judicial branch is OK with everything as long as they don’t miss nap time.

A jury says Costco must pay $7.5 Million in damages over fake Tiffany rings that were sold in their stores. The only question is how dumb are their shoppers to think they were actually getting a Tiffany ring at a Costco?

A jury says Costco must pay $7.5 Million in damages over fake Tiffany rings that were sold in their stores. Although the jury says shoppers should have suspected something was wrong when they were offered a pack of 12 Tiffany rings for $12.50.

A report says the average ATM fee is now up to $4.57 per transaction. The sad part is that means after the bank takes its cut, the person using the machine now only has 43 cents left in their account.

Mike Pence started off the vice presidential debate by thanking the wrong University, instead of Longwood calling it "Norwood." It's just too bad the moderator didn't call it "wide right."


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you watch the vice presidential debate last night? Me neither. If I wanted to watch two grumpy old men yelling at each other I would go to the retirement home and watch to see the fight over the remote control for “Judge Judy” or “Wheel of Fortune.” I was much more interested in the greatest American rock and roll band of all time getting a street named in their honor in New York City. Yes, there is finally a “Ramones Way” which pays tribute to the band that 40 years ago started the punk movement. Not only did they make great records, they were instrumental (pun intended) in the greatest rock and roll movie ever, “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School.” If you don’t know who they are, just google “Blitzkrieg Bop” and the rest will just happen. Unfortunately the originals are all gone, but you can think of them and as Dee Dee would have said… ”1-2-3-4!” Should be going through your mind as you make sure to keep on sending the love!


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