Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Therapists say Americans are stressed over the upcoming election to the point of losing sleep and experiencing irritability and heart palpitations. If they think it’s bad now, just wait until the final results are announced.

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti’s home was egged during protests over a police shooting. Although investigators aren’t sure if it was a result of the demonstrations of if Justin Bieber has moved into his neighborhood.

A revival of “The Gong Show” is coming to ABC. Apparently network executives got the idea after realizing that last week’s presidential debate would have gone a lot better if the same format was used by Lester Holt.

Experts say the biggest challenge to having sex in space would be the lack of gravity. Which is ironic in that the biggest challenge for most people on Earth in attracting a partner and having sex are the effects of gravity.

A small robot developed by Toyota is designed to provide companionship to lonely people while driving. Although if people are really lonely they can just buy a Ford and become friendly with the driver while they are riding along in the tow truck.

A report says the U.S. comes in 15th on the list of the most free nations, with Canada ranked first. The bad part is that in order to keep it that way they are now planning to build a wall and make us pay for it.

A report says the U.S. is the healthiest nation in the world. When most Americans heard the news, they were so excited and surprised they nearly fell off their Rascal scooters.

A report says the U.S. is the healthiest nation in the world. Apparently eating all that fast food, not exercising and smoking and drinking has taken us to the point where no virus or bacteria can survive by using any of us as a host.

A report says some Deutsche Bank customers were unable to access their cash because of an “IT outage.” No one even had any idea that “Deutsche Bank” is German for Wells Fargo.

A Montana man survived after being attacked by a grizzly bear twice in one day. He ended up with cuts, bruises and broken bones. Leonardo DiCaprio does the same thing and walks away with an Oscar.

A Montana man survived after being attacked by a grizzly bear twice in one day. That’s the last time he goes out in the wilderness and starts talking trash about Sarah Palin.

Pope Francis I told Americans to study, pray and vote in the upcoming election. To which most people are saying they might try it as it can’t be as bad as having to watch “Eat, Pray, Love.”

Pope Francis I told Americans to study, pray and vote in the upcoming election. Which wouldn’t be necessary for the November election if we had bothered to do any of that during the primaries.

A Virginia teenager is being accused of asking a clown on social media to kill her teacher. What did she expect, have the teacher get mauled by a balloon tiger?

A suicide bomber struck a wedding in Syria. Suspicions should have been raised when he was asked if he was with the bride or groom and answered he was in the section with the 72 virgins.

Hillary Clinton says Donald Trump took from America “with both hands.” The good news is that he could have gotten away with a lot more if only his hands were a little bigger.

Kim Kardashian was reportedly robbed by gunmen in her hotel room in Paris. Now she knows what it’s like to have a pair of 38s pointed in her direction.

Duke University has launched a “safe space” where men can go to contemplate their “toxic masculinity.” Although with a 2-3 record, the one place that isn’t a problem is with the school’s football team.

Some Ford cars will soon be able to talk with Amazon’s voice service Alexa. Although it would be a lot more practical to cut out the middle man and just have the cars be able to communicate with AAA Road Service.

The CEO of Sears is denying reports that there are plans to shut down Kmart. People were surprised at the news. Kmart is still in business?

 The CEO of Sears is denying reports that there are plans to shut down Kmart. That just wouldn’t be practical as Kmart is the one store whose performance keeps making Sears look like it’s a success.

Microsoft says it has stopped selling its Band 2 fitness trackers. Apparently the company figured it didn’t need the devices since there hasn’t been a sign of life in years from either Windows Vista, Bob or Zune.

Some California cities are considering a Netflix tax for video subscribers who are no longer paying taxes as cable TV customers. With people being charged for sitting on the couch and binge watching, instead of a surcharge on sodas this will take its place as the latest attempt of the government to implement a fat tax.

A report says Republican and Democrat doctors offer different care on politicized issues. Meaning Republican doctors don’t accept Obamacare, take cash up front only and get the heart rates of all their patients ramped up in the waiting room by putting the TV on Fox News.

A study says childhood trauma can cause premature aging. Which makes you wonder just what Keith Richards had to go through growing up.

Researchers say personality plays a major role in college students making and keeping friends. After which they said they were just joking and that it’s all just about being hot.

Researchers say personality plays a major role in college students making and keeping friends. But only when the personality belongs to someone who can get all the test answers and has an open keg policy in their dorm room.

A survey says that 5 Guys Burgers and Fries gives the most French fries, 98 with each order. Careful research showed that they would have made it 100 but eating the last two is what puts someone over the top going from just “stuffed” to full on “defibrillator mode.”

Lindsay Lohan says she had a finger completely ripped off in a boating accident. It was the biggest rip off associated with Lohan other than the people who paid $8 to see “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Kim Kardashian arrived in New York after being robbed at gunpoint in Paris. Although if she thought she was taken for all her cash in France, just wait until she hails a cab that takes her from JFK to midtown Manhattan through New Jersey.

Solange says her new album is “about healing.” Which apparently Jay Z is still working on since the last time he got on the same elevator with her.

North Carolina’s Governor has declared a state of emergency in advance of approaching Hurricane Matthew. That is on the heels of the emergency declared because of riots over police shootings. Remember the good old days when the only emergency in North Carolina was because of same-sex bathrooms?

Tom Brady has reported to Gillette Stadium now that his four game suspension is over. The only problem is with the team at 3-1 without him, having a backup who can do the job has really let the air out of his value.

The Miami Marlins have fired Barry Bonds as the team’s hitting coach after just one year. Apparently they were worried telling everyone what to do was giving him a big head.

The Miami Marlins have fired Barry Bonds as the team’s hitting coach after just one year. Apparently they didn’t like his style of trying to improve their hitting while they were in a slump by needling them.

Penn State’s kicker who is 5’10” and 258 pounds has been undergoing treatment for an eating disorder. Coaches knew something was wrong when everyone started calling him “wide right” not when he missed a field goal but when he bent over to tee up the ball.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has moved an anticipated news conference from London to Berlin because of “specific information.” How dare someone at Wikileaks have the nerve to give out his secret plans to someone else without permission.

Uber is partnering with a town in New Jersey to offer free commuter rides to a transit hub. The only problem is that it’s tough to offer anyone in Jersey to “go for a ride” as it usually involves getting into the trunk and ending up in a landfill.

DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson says hackers are probing the nation’s voting systems. The good news is that after they see who is on the ballot they figure someone has already beaten them to the punch.

A new app allows people to take a picture of a meal and have the amount of calories analyzed. Although that can already be done on Facebook by posting what you ate for breakfast, and the more likes the higher the calories.

A new app allows people to take a picture of a meal and have the amount of calories analyzed. Although it can also do the same thing with a before and after meal picture of the person’s backside.

Donald Trump says we should be fighting cyber crime like we fought the Mafia. Although no one had the heart to tell him that Elliot Ness is no longer available.

Donald Trump says we should be fighting cyber crime like we fought the Mafia. Which is an interesting strategy coming from someone who made a good chunk of his fortune in the casino business.

Donald Trump says we should be fighting cyber crime like we fought the Mafia. Yeah, we really did the Mafia in. They are long since dead and buries and their headstone is the Las Vegas skyline.

A company has designed a candle that smells like a newly opened Mac computer. Which will go along great with the person’s kitchen that smells like Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and their bathroom that hints of Old Spice and Aqua Velva.

Apple Maps now shows Amtrak routes across the country. Which brings up the question do you really need a map for directions when you can only go wherever the tracks take you?

Apple Maps now shows Amtrak routes across the country. Not so much to show where the routes start and end up but to plot out the nearest locations of the hospitals and graveyards that might be accessed on the trip.

Leonardo DiCaprio says that climate deniers should be banned from running for public office. Even in the movie “The Revenant” he came up with one solution to global warming by just falling into an ice covered river in South Dakota in the middle of February.

Donald Trump dismissed Hillary Clinton’s latest attacks, saying she is focused on “small, petty things.” Which shows that Trump is ready to run the government by considering the loss of $1 Billion dollars something small and petty.

Donald trump says he used the nation’s tax laws “brilliantly” by not paying any taxes for 20 years. And what is more brilliant than avoiding the tax man by simply running a business that loses $1 Billion in a year?

A poll says 86% of voters believe paying taxes is a civic duty. The other 14% are the ones looking for loopholes because they are the ones who still actually have an income to pay taxes on.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the long awaited vice presidential debate is on tonight. People have been looking forward to this event for the past four years, especially the ones who have suffered that entire time with chronic insomnia. It promises to be a real barn burner. Meaning that a TV network could actually get better ratings showing a barn burning down. But who even needs to watch a snooze-fest like that when you can already get the same results by logging in here every day? All I ask in return is that you remember to take the time to always keep on sending the love!


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