Sunday, October 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says National Anthem protests are the leading cause of the drop in NFL viewership. Mostly because that is the only part of the game where most NFL fans are still sober.

Arrests of fans at NFL games are reportedly up. Apparently with the Raiders in first place again their fans are feeling they also need to show they can still make some hits.

The Supreme Court says it will make a ruling on who can use which bathrooms. The real question is having a person of a different sex using the next stall is the least concern people should have when making the decision to use a public toilet.

AT&T customers in the Midwest were hit with outages Friday night. Or as AT&T users call that, Friday night.

AT&T customers in the Midwest were hit with outages Friday night. AT&T is investigating the incident. They would like to know what they did that kept their service up for users across the rest of the country.

The Boston Catholic Archdiocese is fighting legal pot with an $850,000 investment. It’s a real gamble for the church to use that money to fight marijuana and risk not having enough in their coffers for any future settlements over priest molestations.

A report says Obamacare premium rate increases may affect votes in Arizona. At least for the 3% of the people in the state who don’t already qualify for Medicare.

Apple customers in the UK were hit with a price increase for Macs. Apparently Apple executives, when figuring out the exchange rate between the pound and dollar accidentally forgot to add the automatic 20% price hike for all Apple products.

A $250 Million Brooklyn to Staten Island drinking water tunnel has been activated. Which is good news for the three people on Staten Island who don’t mind the idea of drinking water coming from Brooklyn.

The Tax Foundation has released a calculator that projects people’s tax bills under both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Which for most people will be zero since with either one as President most people will no longer have an income.

Data says Fox news viewers tend to me more pessimistic about the country, critical of President Obama, fearful of Hillary Clinton and forgiving of Donald Trump. Just like Fox News.

A study says every gallon of gasoline sold results in $1.15 being spent on healthcare, climate and other costs. The cost triples for an ambulance with an Al Gore bumper sticker that is used to give a ride to a patient on Obamacare.

A report says nearly half of all young adults have no retirement savings or access to a pension. The other half do because they haven’t put themselves into debt for the next 30 years paying off a college degree that got them a job at a 7-Eleven.

The NCAA says it will start giving money based on athletes’ academic achievements. So far in the first year alone the fund is expected to award as much as $15.83.

The NCAA says it will start giving money based on athletes’ academic achievements. The first award went to a football player who could actually find the location of three of his classes.

Stars of the video service Vine are disappointed that it has been shut down. Mostly because the format of six second videos was perfect for an audience of Millennials who can’t go any longer than that with their attention span.

Stars of the video service Vine are disappointed that it has been shut down. So were fans of Adam Sandler who thought the format of six second videos would be about the perfect length for any of his movies.

Jim Beam gave away 10,000 Uber rides during the World Series. Mostly for fans who needed the service from getting drunk and being broke after betting all their money on the Cubs.

 Jim Beam gave away 10,000 Uber rides during the World Series. Mostly for fans who weren’t able to get a ride from their Old Grand-Dad.

Jim Beam gave away 10,000 Uber rides during the World Series. Uber was happy to cooperate since Jim beam is pretty much the reason their company is still in business.

A report says the U.S. economy’s third quarter growth was the fastest in the past two years. Mostly because going back two years, most Americans were still pretty much broke.

The Pentagon has reportedly paid millions of dollars extra for supplies of EpiPens. Who would have thought the biggest defense contractor would turn out to be Mylan?

The Pentagon has reportedly paid millions of dollars extra for supplies of EpiPens. The only question is what is there to even be allergic to over in Iraq and Afghanistan other than dust, camel dung and donkey meat?

Susan Lindquist, who made genetic discoveries using yeast has died at age 67. The good news is that her family and coworkers are expecting that when she is cremated she will rise again.

Medicaid is starting to offer birth control to new mothers right after they give birth. The only problem is that it would be a lot easier to convince them they don’t want any more kids once their child has become a teenager.

A study says that jobs where workers have little control could cause stress that may shorten their lives. The worst part is when they have so little control that they have to get permission from their boss before they can die.

A study says people who mindfully consume chocolate treats at Halloween get a mood boost. Mostly from not being like everyone else and wolfing down all their candy at one sitting which makes them depressed from gaining 40 pounds.

A study says sugar pills work as well as medicine in treating kids’ migraine headaches. Especially when the migraines are caused from the children going through their daily sugar withdrawals.

A study says being overweight can affect the memory of older adults. Especially the ones who look in the mirror and wonder “Have I always been that fat?”

A study says being overweight can affect the memory of older adults. The only problem is the one thing they don’t forget is when it is time for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

A study says people in the UK are the most exhausted, with 37% saying they don’t get enough sleep. Of course, the best way to remedy that problem would be to just shut down all the pubs at midnight.

Experts say that being scared by horror films, scary novels and haunted houses can be healthy for people. Which is finally some good news for all the people who are scared to death about what is going to happen to this country after election day.

Mariah Carey reportedly wants millions of dollars from her ex-fiancee billionaire James Packer after they recently broke up. Apparently he was upset with her spending habits. How bad is your shopping habit it when a billionaire is worried you are taking him to the poor house?

An exhibit of the Rolling Stones is set to open in New York City next month. It has many historical items, most noteworthy the recently discovered prehistoric cave paintings of Keith Richards.

An exhibit of the Rolling Stones is set to open in New York City next month. Apparently it takes three building just to house the exhibit showing their collection of bongs, syringes and rolling papers.

The NFL is expected to push for 18 regular season games. The only problem is the NFLPA being concerned about potential knee injuries to Colin Kaepernick who would have to kneel all the way through two more National Anthems.

Bob Dylan says he “absolutely” will try to attend the Nobel Prize ceremony where he will be given the award for literature. He didn’t make his plans known at first because he was apparently worried about the ceremonies being crashed by Kanye West demanding the prize be given to Beyonce.

A London employment tribunal says Uber drivers in the UK should be treated as employees. Apparently it makes a big difference in picking up total strangers in your car for money instead of the traditional drugs or sex.

A study says that using marijuana can improve a person’s night vision. Although it was never a secret that stoners had no problem seeing a neon Domino’s Pizza sign from ten miles away.

An NSA contractor is suspected of stealing 50 terabytes worth of data over the past two decades. The good news is that researchers hope by going through all the information he has taken they will finally find those missing e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s private server.

Donald Trump says that Anthony Weiner is a”major, major major sleaze.” To which Weiner denies it, saying if he is such a major sleaze than why does his text message directory only have the numbers of minors?

Donald Trump says that Anthony Weiner is a”major, major major sleaze.” Apparently Trump thinks it is sordid to use text messages for things that should really be done in person.

A poll says that 65% of Americans feel the U.S. drug problem is serious, which is down from 83% who felt that way in 2000. Mostly because the other 18% are saying forget about the drugs, they are scared to death about what is going to happen after the presidential election.

A poll says that 65% of Americans feel the U.S. drug problem is serious, which is down from 83% who felt that way in 2000. Although it’s tough to deny there are drugs at work when you see the two candidates for President have been whittled down to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Rock group Smashmouth got into a Twitter battle with the Oakland A’s over the weekend. Which is interesting since the one thing they have in common is that neither has had any hits since the 1990s.

The L.A. County Coroner’s Office accidentally cremated the wrong man whose family was then unable to have a viewing. The Coroner’s Office is trying to reach a settlement but family members are reportedly really burned up.

A Ukraine man has changed his name to iPhone7 as part of a contest to win one of the devices. In a related story, a man in India changed his name to Samsung Galaxy Note 7 before committing self-immolation.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The FBI is back at it again with Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. Apparently they are back on the case after hitting dead ends with their investigations over her parking privileges and tipping practices. This election is going to be decided based on one candidate’s sexual behavior and the other’s communication methods. Remember the days when people used to vote based on the issues? Me neither. It’s always sucked. We are a dumb country. Fortunately, you have proven to be smart enough to keep checking in on this blog to see if I am ever going to stick to my promise to deliver some funny jokes. Don’t hold your breath. But what you can do is make sure to always keep on sending the love!



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