Friday, October 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Detroit Metropolitan Airport is introducing a new way to allow passengers to get through security checks much faster. All they do is ask the travelers to take their guns, knives and grenades and put them in the inspection trays to speed things up  before boarding.

A report says the world will lose two thirds of its wildlife population from 1970 levels by 2020. The reasons are the destruction of habitats, climate change and the Taco Bell Mystery Meat Chalupa.

An Arizona man tried to order food at an In-N-Out drive through while he was being chased by police. The move means he will be going In jail N-Out in about another three years.

An Arizona man tried to order food at an In-N-Out drive through while he was being chased by police. Because he was so dumb, the judge might Double Double his sentence. (In-N-Out joke)

An advanced robot can reportedly understand how humans think. Although a basic robot can understand how men think, which is pretty much football, beer and sex.

A study says what people post and like on Facebook reveals their risk of mental illness. Mostly for the ones who have nothing to do but sit at their computer and look at Facebook all day.

Twitter has announced it will cut 9% of their workforce. Mostly in anticipation of the millions of daily angry tweets that will disappear once the election is over and Donald Trump is no longer a presidential candidate.

A report says Russian soldiers are preparing for a nuclear war. How are soldiers supposed to do that? Mostly by turning around and yelling “Run!”

A report says scientists have found an elixir for youth from a mixture of broccoli and cucumbers. To which Americans are saying “No thanks, we’ll just wait until they make it from hamburgers and ice cream.”

A report says lonely men are turning to Siri for love and explicit sex chat. So how desperate are men that they get turned on when a computerized voice gives them directions or the phone number for the dentist?

A report says lonely men are turning to Siri for love and explicit sex chat. The worst part is when they are so desperate they have Siri call them and they leave their phone in their pocket on the “vibrate” setting.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says American is not a banana republic. Mostly because he knows most Americans shudder at the thought of eating any kind of fruit.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says the claim that Russian hackers are incapable of influencing the U.S. elections. Mostly because nothing they could do would make it any more of a disaster than it has already become.

A study predicts Spain will turn into a desert if global warming continues. Promoters are already anticipating it by organizing the annual Pamplona “Running of the Camels.”

A report says the hacker founded Pirate Party could win the election in Iceland. The party is not made of Democrats because all the candidates’ names are followed by an “Aaarrrrrr.”

56 people in India have been charged with bilking Americans with an IRS call scam. Although the victims are reluctant to testify because the scammers were taking less money from them than the IRS.

The government says it won’t raise the limit people can put into the 401(k) accounts next year, keeping it at the current $18,000 maximum. Which is not too much of a disappointment for the average worker who is trying to increase their current yearly deposits of between $10 and $15.

A study says that 75% of global Internet access is from mobile devices. Mostly because people only have the time anymore to go online when they are using their smartphone while behind the wheel.

A wine delivery service called Vinome claims to tailor wine to people through their DNA. Although if there are already traces of wine in your DNA, it may be time to take a break from the bottle.

A study says cranberry juice doesn’t prevent urinary tract infections as previously thought. Which means Ocean Spray’s largest customer title will no longer be held by Paris Hilton.

A study says impulsive people are more likely to be selfish. Which really didn’t require a study as anyone already knew who has ever watched more than a couple reality shows.

A study says there is a high rate of antidepressant use by people after they have cancer. Now why does anyone think that might happen?

A study says people with Type 2 Diabetes need to be more active than was previously recommended. Especially for the people who got their condition when their only activity was their walks between the couch and refrigerator.

A Georgia woman went to the hospital thinking she had kidney stones only to find out she was pregnant. The good news is she found out that she was wrong in thinking that kidney stones came from having sex.

Suge Knight says Dr. Dre paid money to have him killed. Although that accusation is hard to believe with the number of people who probably would have volunteered to do it for free.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly back filming “The Kardashians” after her traumatic robbery in France. Anyone who wants to know what she went through can have the same feeling with the time they will never get back binge watching three straight seasons of her reality show.

Michael Phelps was secretly married last June in Arizona. Apparently he preferred things to be low key and didn’t want to make a big splash.

Brian Cranston says an ex-girlfriend once threatened to kill him. Apparently it was just a case of breaking up bad.

Raven-Symone says she is leaving “The View.” People were surprised. Raven-Symone was on “The View”?

Raven-Symone says she is leaving “The View.” She says she wants to know what it is like to actually have a conversation with someone that doesn’t consist of just constantly trying to get in a word edgewise.

The concierge who was taken hostage at gunpoint when Kim Kardashian was robbed gave details of the crime. Apparently the robbers were after $10 Million in jewelry and a recommendation for a good local restaurant.

The 76ers fan who flipped off the Thunder’s Russell Westbrook is a local urologist. It turns out he wasn’t flipping Westbrook off but was just using his hands to show him an accurate depiction of one of his office charts.

Ben Roethlisberger says he asked Tom Brady for one of his jerseys to hang in his office. People were skeptical of the story. What would Ben Roethlisberger be doing in an office?

A Texas A&M student was arrested for driving while also taking a topless picture of herself to send to her boyfriend before crashing into a police car. It’s the one case where people hear what happened and hope there was alcohol involved.

A Texas A&M student was arrested for driving while also taking a topless picture of herself to send to her boyfriend before crashing into a police car. She says the police should have seen her coming as she had the courtesy to flash them her headlights.

Scientists have identified fossilized dinosaur brain tissue for the first time. Apparently it was discovered during a routine neurology exam involving a congressman.

Apple’s latest MacBook is being advertised as thinner, lighter and faster than before. As opposed to the average American children who will be using it.

A study says placebo pills work on patients even when they know they are fake. Mostly because the one thing that is sure to make Americans feel better is anything made of sugar.

A graveyard of 40 shipwrecks has been discovered at the bottom of the Black Sea. The finding came as a surprise. No one even knew that Carnival had routes in that area.

Donald Trump, Jr. came to the rescue of a woman whose car was stalled in Arizona. After pushing the Chevy to the side of the road he was thanked by the woman and all 15 immigrants who were hiding in the trunk.

Hillary Clinton reportedly wants Joe Biden to serve as Secretary of State if she becomes President. She knows it will be an asset to have his experience, knowledge and ability to absolutely wear down any other world leader by talking  their ears off for 36 straight hours.

A plane carrying vice presidential candidate Mike Pence slid off the runway at LaGuardia Airport in New York. People were immediately confused. Should that be classified as a plane crash or a metaphor?

A plane carrying vice presidential candidate Mike Pence slid off the runway at LaGuardia Airport in New York. Which means Pence might have a sit down with Donald Trump to say those proposed regulation cuts might not be a good idea when it comes to the FAA and airlines.

President Obama says health consumers need to shop around for better deals. Which means they should start with Canada, England and France.

Donald Trump says 93% of the media stories about him are negative. Which means he can give thanks to Breitbart, Drudge and Fox News for the other 7%.

Donald Trump says 93% of the media stories about him are negative. Which means the other 7% are not true.

Donald Trump says 93% of the media stories about him are negative. And that’s just the poll results.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The election is only eight days away. Then we can finally get back to reading about the things that are really important. Like who will be running in the 2020 election. Fortunately for me, these two candidates will keep on providing material for the next several years, no matter who wins. It’s like having two George W. Bushes running against each other. That means you can keep coming back every day for the latest jokes and they will always be here, just as long as you remember to keep on sending the love!



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