Thursday, October 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says 200 pumpkins were stolen from a farm stand in New Jersey. Authorities say it was a clear case of being Hi-Jack-O-Lanterned.

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized by someone using a sledge hammer. People were shocked. Why does Donald Trump have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

A $24,000 chair gives the sensation of simulating weightlessness. Which isn’t hard to do once a person’s wallet is suddenly $24,000 lighter.

A $24,000 chair gives the sensation of simulating weightlessness. Although to get that feeling, the only floating most people will experience will be trying to float a $24,000 loan.

The California DMV had a major computer outage that lasted two days earlier this week. The good news is that nobody in line so far has even noticed.

The California DMV had a major computer outage that lasted two days earlier this week. The only problem was for the people who were there before the outage who have to retake their driver’s license photos because of the gray hair and wrinkles that developed since they started waiting in line.

A poll says more Americans are scared of clowns than of climate change. Which now turns it into a chicken and egg question when it comes to Al Gore.

An analysis says 1 in 4 teachers miss 10 or more days during the school year. Which is apparent when their students say that 1 in 4 is more than half.

An analysis says 1 in 4 teachers miss 10 or more days during the school year. Which is still better than the attendance records of 9 out of 10 of their students.

A woman in Arkansas used a government credit card to buy her dog a tuxedo. Apparently her excuse was she wanted her dog to look presentable as it was invited to the woman’s wedding to her cousin.

A woman in Arkansas used a government credit card to buy her dog a tuxedo. What’s worse is that the whole situation could have been avoided if the woman had realized that the dog’s invitation called for semi-formal wear.

A Delta Connection pilot was arrested for flying while drunk. Apparently the “Delta Connection” refers to the flight attendants making sure the drink cart finds its way into the cockpit.

Miss Iceland dropped out of an international beauty pageant when she was told she had to lose weight. People were surprised. They thought Donald Trump had gotten out of the beauty contest business.

Social media is being credited with fueling the plus-size revolution. Mostly because so many people are wearing larger sized clothing since sitting in front of a computer all day posting to Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Auto insurers are targeting good drivers for lower rates through their smartphones. Which is ironic in that the best drivers don’t have smartphones so they won’t crash their cars from texting while driving.

The U.S. has fallen to 8th place on a list of the world’s countries that are easiest for doing business. Although that might change as entrepreneurs realize all they need to do to create a self-perpetuating gold mine is open some legal marijuana dispensaries right next door to a pizzeria.

A report says the global earnings gap between men and women won’t be closed for another 170 years. At least it will take that long before every job in the world has fallen to the minimum wage scale.

A report says the global earnings gap between men and women won’t be closed for another 170 years. Which is a coincidence as it will also take until 2186 for most women in the workforce to pay off their college tuition loans.

A survey says the vast majority of Americans are peeved by their partners’ driving skills. Mostly when they become distracted while driving because the only way they will communicate with their partner is through texting.

A survey says the vast majority of Americans are peeved by their partners’ driving skills. Although it will be even worse when self-driving cars take over and they have nothing to do in the car but actually try to talk to each other.

The CEO of Fiat Chrysler has vowed to raise the company’s profit margin. Which was a clue to investors that the automaker is going to try to get into a business other than making Fiats and Chryslers.

The USGA is coming under pressure to move the 2017 U.S. Women’s Open golf championship from a Donald Trump owned course in New Jersey. Apparently even the players are worried he will start asking to use his Stimpmeter to check the smoothness of their putting surface.

Women in Iceland are leaving work at 2:38 to protest the amount of gender pay gap that exists in their country. The only problem is that they will still be at work about an hour and a half longer than their company’s executives.

Toyota has added 5.8 Million vehicles to the global Takata airbag recall, driving the list up to a total of 23.8 Million cars worldwide. It’s gotten so bad that car makers are now listing the air bag system in their vehicles as “your face.”

United Airlines has hired an executive whose job position is listed as “Storyteller.” That’s the person who is expected to convince people the airline has fair prices, good service and flies on time.

A study says young men with a higher than normal heart rate and high blood pressure are more at risk of mental illness. Mostly the anxiety from worrying about how much it is going to cost to see a cardiologist to treat their high heart rate and blood pressure.

Prescription testosterone has gotten a new warning from the FDA. Apparently it says using the drug can result in heart attacks, strokes and being kept out of the Baseball Hall of Fame.

A study says astronauts are developing back problems from extensive time in weightlessness. Which is different from most Americans who don’t have those issues from always carrying around such large backsides.

A study says 3 in 4 teens think that e-cigarettes are safer than tobacco. Although these are the same teens who think it is OK to sleep past noon and then spend the rest of the day playing video games on the couch while eating pizza.

Victoria’s Secret has chosen model Jasmine Tookes to model a $3 Million fantasy bra in their upcoming fashion show. Although when it comes to a lingerie model in a $3 Million fantasy bra, most men’s fantasies have nothing to do with the $3 Million.

Victoria’s Secret has chosen model Jasmine Tookes to model a $3 Million fantasy bra in their upcoming fashion show. Which means as long as she is wearing a $3 Million bra, no one is going to be looking at Jasmine’s tookus.

Tom Hanks says he would be interested in a role in the remake of the movie “Splash.” Not to say Hanks is getting a bit older, but the only time anyone gave him a second thought about a movie about a splash was casting him as the lead in “Sully.”

The reality show “Married At First Sight” has been renewed for a fifth season. Which means they were somehow able to find contestants who didn’t watch any of the previous four.

Fraud losses by U.S. banks from credit cards are projected to hit $12 Billion by 2020. To which the executives at Wells Fargo are saying at that point that will put them and their customers right about at even.

Fraud losses by U.S. banks from credit cards are projected to hit $12 Billion by 2020. In other words, that is pretty much the balance held by people using the Discover Card.

A rare papyrus document from the 7th century B.C. was recovered from looters in Israel. The bad news for the looters is the library in charge of the document is charging them $15 Million for being 900 years overdue.

A rare papyrus document from the 7th century B.C. was recovered from looters in Israel. Apparently they were caught before they could go to Wikileaks and release embarrassing information about Egypt’s Thutemhat from back in 720 B.C.

A report says the CEO of Time Warner could walk away with a $500 Million payout if his company is bought by AT&T. Which means he will finally be able to afford access to the Time Warner Cable top tier programming package.

The White House chief economic adviser says Artificial Intelligence and robots are not coming after people’s jobs. Mostly because the robots consider themselves far too advanced and intelligent to want most Americans’ jobs that pay minimum wage.

A message in a bottle that was thrown in the ocean more than a half century ago was returned to the original sender’s daughter in New Hampshire. The strange part is the note in the bottle read “Let’s all do what we can to stop polluting the oceans.”

A message in a bottle that was thrown in the ocean more than a half century ago was returned to the original sender’s daughter in New Hampshire. The message in the bottle read “I’ll bet you had no idea we actually have a coastline in New Hampshire.”

1-800-Flowers is planning on transforming its business into the digital age with Artificial Intelligence. To which everyone in the digital age is asking “What’s an 800 number?”

1-800-Flowers is planning on transforming its business into the digital age with Artificial Intelligence. The only problem is that people in the digital age have long ago replaced sending flowers with a personal text containing an emoji.

Kodak has released its “Ektra” smartphone which is targeted to the people who use their phones mostly for photography. To which most people under 30 are saying “You mean smartphones can be used for something else?”

Google Fiber high speed Internet has lost its CEO and is planning layoffs. Imagine the irony of those workers knowing that it was Fiber that caused their office to be completely evacuated.

A jawbone found in Tanzania indicates the first case of knowing that the person was right handed. Researchers could tell because the jaw was worn from chewing tobacco from being relegated to the bench in favor of a lefty with a 90 mph fastball.

Russia has unveiled a nuclear missile that can reportedly wipe out an area the size of Texas or France. Or as most world leaders call that choice, a win-win situation.

Hillary Clinton jokes about taking her fashion inspiration from Death Row Records. Bill Clinton also claims she was inspired by Death Row. Or as he calls it, his 40 years of marriage.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back on a regular schedule at my real job, if you want to call my job “real” or my schedule “regular.” I had to put in two straight 14 hour days for training. Or as I usually call 14 hours, a pretty good week. Don’t worry, I still made sure I had time to write my jokes for you. Of course, you didn’t think it took more than about 17 minutes to put all this together, did you? I just hope you continue to take a few minutes each day to make sure and always keep on sending the love!



No comments: