Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says only 4 out of 10 Americans are confident the votes in the upcoming presidential election will be counted correctly. The other 6 think 4 out of 6 equals 73%.

A study says that 91% of the media coverage of Donald Trump is hostile. Of course, that is just when they show his tweets.

Tim Kaine held a rally in Florida where only 30 people showed up. Mostly because he is only 58 and the locals had no interest in what some kid has to say about politics.

Documents show that AT&T has been spying on Americans for profit. Which is no big deal to most people. How much information can a corporation compile on anyone when it can’t even complete a simple phone call?

Documents show that AT&T has been spying on Americans for profit. People were shocked. AT&T does something that results in a profit?

A report says 40% of Americans are expecting to vote early. Mostly so they can go home and have plenty of time to pack everything up to move out of the country.

A study of doctors says a majority claim Hillary Clinton has abnormal eye movements. Mostly from all those years of developing eyes in the back of her head to keep track of the whereabouts of Bill.

A study says lifting weights can make people more intelligent. Which makes you wonder how badly California would have been screwed up if Arnold Schwarzenegger had been elected governor while he was still young and skinny.

Harvard University has reached an agreement with the school’s cafeteria workers. It’s just good to see that all those Princeton graduates were at least able to learn some negotiating skills.

A Texas woman made a commercial pleading with voters to elect her husband to office to get him out of the house. To which Hillary Clinton is telling her to be careful what she wishes for.

The Vatican is saying no to scattering ashes of the deceased. Apparently they are worried about having their parishioners spread out too thin.

A British Airways flight had to be diverted when the flight crew became ill. That will be the last time the airline allows any British food to be served in the cabin.

A British Airways flight had to be diverted when the flight crew became ill. Which Southwest pilots found funny, saying the next time they should hire some pilots who aren’t such lightweights and can make it all the way through happy hour.

Arby’s will begin testing venison burgers in selected markets. Mostly the locations that have already tried horse, donkey and coyote meat in all their sandwiches.


Arby’s will begin testing venison burgers in selected markets. Just the ones where a deer has made the mistake of walking in front of a truck in plain sight of the restaurant.

An Uber self-driving truck successfully delivered a shipment of 2,000 cases of Budweiser in Colorado. Which is even better for Uber in that the beer will be used to get a few hundred people drunk enough where they need to call for a ride from Uber.

An Uber self-driving truck successfully delivered a shipment of 2,000 cases of Budweiser in Colorado. Apparently they got the idea by watching the movie “Smokey and the Bandit” in reverse.

A study says 861,000 jobs in the UK could be replaced with robots by 2030. Fortunately, it doesn’t appear that it will affect the three people working as dental hygienists.

The White House says it is targeting non-compete clauses that are becoming more popular with businesses. Mostly to clear the way for President Obama when his term is up to be able to run for President of Kenya.

A report says the average domestic airfare in the U.S. has dropped to the lowest level since 2009. Mostly as a way to get people on the planes so they can do the real damage and take the rest of what they have for inflight fees.

Delta has a feature that allows passengers to track their luggage on a map. United Airlines has had the same feature for years. Unfortunately, the map is that of Estonia.

A 20 year old woman in Washington State is auctioning off her virginity to help her family pay for its house that burned down. The sad part is that the house caught fire  when her Samsung phone exploded after getting some texts from Anthony Weiner.

A 20 year old woman in Washington State is auctioning off her virginity to help her family pay for its house that burned down. People were skeptical of the offer. Who would believe there is a woman who is still a virgin at age 20?

Wells Fargo is running ads claiming they are making a “new commitment” to customers. Which is different than most people thinking that anyone still doing business with Wells Fargo should be committed.

Richard Branson says Donald Trump is vindictive, dangerous and sad. Although not necessarily in that order.

Richard Branson says Donald Trump is vindictive, dangerous and sad. On the other hand, that worked out pretty well for Clint Eastwood in “Unforgiven.”

U.N. experts say junk food is a human rights concern. Apparently they have seen the anguish and desperation first hand when someone is denied their basic burger, fries and soft drink.

U.N. experts say junk food is a human rights concern. That clears the way for the posthumous awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize next year to Colonel Sanders.

A new idea for male birth control is to prevent sperm from swimming. Apparently that means they will encourage men to have sex less than an hour after a meal.

A new idea for male birth control is to prevent sperm from swimming. Or they could get the same results by having men present themselves to women wearing just a pair of Speedos.

A study says women are on a par worldwide with men when it comes to drinking alcohol. Mostly the ones who have turned to the bottle after realizing they will never be able to pay off the college loans that got them their minimum wage job.

A study says women are on a par worldwide with men when it comes to drinking alcohol. Mostly thanks to Tara Reid, Courtney Love and Lindsay Lohan.

Dry salt therapy is growing as a method to help people breathe easier. The only way to make it even more popular for Americans will be to mix the dry salt along with some dry fat and sugar.

A study says more potent marijuana makes it twice as likely for people to become dependent. And twice as likely they will double their weight from eating second helpings of Pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

Students at a university in China are able to buy HIV tests from vending machines. For convenience they are available in the same machines right next to the broken condoms and used hypodermic needles.

A study says more guns on college campuses will not make students safer. Especially when the person who is next in line when the keg runs dry happens to be packing a 9 mm Beretta.

A study says more guns on college campuses will not make students safer. Especially when you know it will eventually evolve into a drinking game that calls for firing off a few rounds whenever anyone says “Ruger.”

Demi Lovato and John Mayer are rumored to be dating. Mostly just because she is a young female celebrity and he is John Mayer.

Google says its top health related search for the year is about depression. Mostly right after the users search for “Donald Trump” and “Hillary Clinton.”

Google says its top health related search for the year is about depression. Mostly right after reading that they have six months to live when it comes to any other symptoms they look up on Google.

The CEO of AT&T says the proposed merger with Time Warner won’t raise prices for consumers but instead will lower them. Because what could go wrong with any promise of consumer benefits from a CEO involving a phone and cable company?

MIT has developed a “nightmare machine” which changes pictures to make them more scary and sinister. Their most horrifying example was an image of the White House which was altered to include a President Donald Trump.

MIT has developed a “nightmare machine” which changes pictures to make them more scary and sinister. Like a high school girl seeing her prom picture altered to show her date is someone who has been accepted to MIT.

There is only one week left to buy a PC computer that uses the Windows 7 operating system. Those devices are more commonly known now as doorstops, paperweights and table shim.

A report says 1.6 Million people in Florida are planning to vote early for President. Which gives election officials plenty of time to cut out the middle man and ship them directly to the Supreme Court.

Donald Trump’s campaign manager says they are already vetting people for positions in his cabinet. It won’t be easy, especially knowing that it will take 12 people instead of one to handle all the work that will have to be done just by the Secretary of Defense.

A data analysis says thousands of dead people are still on the Indiana voting rolls. To which those people are all in agreement that it still beats living in Indiana.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have a pretty heavy work load this week so I am not punching out the usual number of jokes, but it is still more than you will find on any other site. That’s why I hope you help spread the word about how hilarious my material is. Especially if you live next door to any late night talk show hosts. So how much can one lie hurt? In the meantime, you can at least make me feel better when I see you all at least just keep on sending the love!


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