Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says one in four students at an L.A. high school migrated from Central America. The good news are those are the ones who actually raise the geography scores for the rest of the school.

100,000 fans at last week’s Texas A&M football game at Alabama were told not to use the bathrooms because of water pressure problems. After just the first half of sitting in place drinking beer, petitions were already circulating to change the school’s nickname to the “High Tide.”

100,000 fans at last week’s Texas A&M football game at Alabama were told not to use the bathrooms because of water pressure problems. Alabama fans were shocked. The bathrooms are inside the building?

Executives at Victoria’s Secret are reportedly worried about the possibility of a terrorist attack at a fashion show set for Paris. The only thing that would be worse is if Rosie O’Donnell sneaked into the show as one of the models.

A study says that over time, lies desensitize the brain to dishonesty. Which explains how the same members of Congress keep getting sent back to Washington.

A study says that over time, lies desensitize the brain to dishonesty. Like when people keep repeatedly hearing the phrase “Fair and balanced.”

A report says many low wage workers say they can’t afford to retire. Although they will get the last laugh when they die in debt and stick someone else with their bills.

A report says many low wage workers say they can’t afford to retire. Mostly because they will be working into their 90s to pay off the college tuition loans for the degree that was supposed to get them a better paying job.

A report says Russia has been conducting nuclear bomb survival drills. Which is good news for Donald Trump in that they must have some insight that he still has a chance to win the election.

New rules for heart health include getting enough sleep, eating garlic and having more sex. The only problem with that is for anyone trying to combine the last two.

There has been a challenge to a Colorado ban against ballot selfies. Which shouldn’t really be an issue since how many people who actually go around taking selfies are going to vote in the first place?

The Oxford University Press is crediting Christopher Marlowe as co-writer on three of Shakespeare’s plays. Not only that, but Shakespeare is now also being sued for plagiarism by the family of Marvin Gaye.

Hawaiian Airlines says it will continue to assign seats based on passengers’ weight. The only question is whether they take into account how much travelers’ weight drops during flights from all the cash they are handing out for the inflight fees.

Hawaiian Airlines says it will continue to assign seats based on passengers’ weight. Unlike United whose customers lose weight from sitting on the tarmac for five hours waiting to take off trying to get sustenance off a bag of three pretzels.

AMC Theaters will broadcast the election results on November 8th. Why not? This campaign has cost more money, has more fights and more sex than any recent blockbuster action movie.

Bank of America has introduced a virtual assistant “Erica” that gives suggestions about financial habits over a users’ smartphone. The first advice for anyone with the app is to quit wasting their money having their cellphone plan with AT&T.

Buick made it into the top three for quality cars on the Consumer Reports list. People were shocked. No one under 80 had any idea they were still making Buicks.

Nielsen says it is going to start measuring TV viewers in bars, hotels, gyms and at the office. Which will finally take into account the viewing habits of drunks, people having affairs and the people who are sitting by the TV instead of exercising or doing their job.

A report says the wrong antibiotics are prescribed half the time. The other half of the time the patients are faking it to get a some sleeping pills, anxiety meds or painkillers.

A Georgia teenager awoke from a coma speaking fluent Spanish which he could never do before. The sad part is that when hearing about it, Donald Trump told him to have a nice trip back to Mexico.

A Georgia teenager awoke from a coma speaking fluent Spanish which he could never do before. Of course, people would have been really surprised if a teenager from Georgia had awoken able to speak proper English.

A report says that 30% of all cancer deaths are related to smoking. Which means the other 70% of people who have cancer should start lighting up to cut their odds back another 40%.

A study says that many adults don’t know that using e-cigarettes can harm kids. Which is no surprise considering the number of adults who think its OK to give their kids unlimited sugar while letting them sit on the couch all day with their eyes glued to a video game screen.

Peter Burns, the singer for Dead or Alive has died at age 57. Which means the band will be changing its name to take out the “or Alive.”

Britney Spears performed through a wardrobe malfunction in Las Vegas. She reportedly made it through the distraction like a real pro, without missing a single beat of her lip-syncing.

Justin Bieber reportedly walked off stage during a concert in England because fans wouldn’t stop screaming. But then who would want to keep performing while thousands of people keep yelling for a refund?

Kanye West has vowed to not attend the Grammys if Frank Ocean is not nominated for any awards. To which most people are saying “Promise?”

A report says Dwayne Johnson and Will Ferrell are developing a pro wrestling comedy for Fox. Don’t we already have a pro wrestling comedy show? It’s called the WWE.

Tickets for the World Series games scheduled at Wrigley Field in Chicago are going for as much as $6,000. Which isn’t that unreasonable given that the fans have had 108 years to save their money for it.

Apple is teaming with Nike to make a watch that is also a fitness device. The only problem is that since the Nike part is assembled by 6 year olds, the only health issues it covers are cooties, tummy aches and boo-boos.

An Artificial Intelligence program has learned to rule with judges on 79% of cases in the European Human Rights Court. Not only that, it does a perfect 100% agreement with the Chinese Human Rights Court by just ruling every time for the death penalty.

A report says social media monitoring by insurance companies can result in lower rates for people who make optimistic posts. The bad news is that Donald Trump’s personal insurance bill just went up 3,000%.

AT&T is looking to buy Time Warner for $112.3 Billion. Coming up with the cash is no problem for the communications giant. Customers are just being warned to not be surprised when they get next month’s bill and see a $15,000 texting surcharge.

A locker key from the Titanic has sold for $104,000. The scary part is that the name on the locker key belongs to a Mr. Davy Jones.

The Federal Reserve Bank says that the U.S. economy needs to add only 50,000 jobs a year to keep the labor market healthy. At least as long as we don’t lose the other 50,000 jobs we already have.

Donald Trump’s campaign manager says the media should pay less attention to his tweets. Which is like telling men they should pay less attention to when Kim Kardashian sends out more naked pictures.

Donald Trump told a crowd “I actually think we are winning.” Although this is from the same man who checks his haircut in the mirror and still goes out the door.

A poll says 54% of Donald Trump’s voters are casting ballots against Hillary Clinton. The other 46% are going into the voting booth asking “Now, what is this for again?”

A report says fraud and corruption are a growing concern to voters. What’s worse, in this election those are considered two of the most admirable qualities.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note for all fans of the 1960s radicals. Tom Hayden has died at age 76. He showed you can be a revolutionary while still making a good living and marrying a Hollywood star. You really can have it all! I just have to admire someone willing to get beat up and thrown in jail to stop an unnecessary war. Where were all those people during Iraq? It’s amazing what the possibility of being drafted will do to you. So make sure to give your thoughts to Tom Hayden while taking the time to make sure you support this armchair revolutionary by always sending the love!


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