Sunday, October 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says the U.S. comes in 23rd in the world for the quality of life for young people. Apparently there are 22 other countries whose parents have much better basements for their children to live in.

A flash mob of teenagers reportedly stole $13,000 of goods from an Apple Store. Which means they got away with as many as two iPhones, an iPad and two pair of ear buds.

Scientists have come up with a cure for jet lag that involves temporary oxygen deprivation. Which is good news for United passengers who always start choking when they are told the cost of their inflight fees.

A phone app in India monitors air pollution levels in New Delhi. The way it works is that smog levels are up when the user is unable to see the phone app when they are holding it right in front of their face.

A new online salary tool calculates a person’s market value at their job. Which in this economy shows that anyone is doing well whose salary is still above minimum wage.

There was a massive Internet outage over parts of the U.S. last week. It was so bad that young people had to relearn t walk down the street while looking ahead instead of down at their smartphones.

There was a massive Internet outage over parts of the U.S. last week. There was a moment of panic for many who were faced with the prospect of having to talk to the person next to them but without being able to look up online how to start a conversation with another human.

A poll says half of Americans between 16 and 20 would vote for a socialist. Mostly because the other half is not trying to pay off $100,000 in college loans for a degree that got them a job paying minimum wage.

A report says Facebook employees pushed to remove Donald Trump’s posts as hate speech. Fortunately for Trump, his people were able to keep the posts in place by reclassifying them as campaign strategy.

Facebook says it will allow graphic posts if they are deemed newsworthy. Which on Facebook pretty much means any posts that are cat videos, prayer requests of pictures of what users ate for breakfast.

A Wisconsin woman was arrested for vandalizing cars at what she thought was a rally for Donald Trump with peanut butter. So far her accomplice is still at large. He is described as tall with a top hat, monocle and cane.

A Wisconsin woman was arrested for vandalizing cars at what she thought was a rally for Donald Trump with peanut butter. Trump supporters say the peanut butter was all part of a smear campaign.

A Wisconsin woman was arrested for vandalizing cars at what she thought was a rally for Donald Trump with peanut butter. She will be given a psychological evaluation to see if she is nutty or just very smooth.

A study says drinking two or more sugary sodas a day doubles the risk of diabetes. Especially when the soft drinks are used to wash down three Big Macs, five orders of fries and a couple apple pies.

A study says drinking two or more sugary sodas a day doubles the risk of diabetes. Which could be offset with the latest introduction of insulin-infused Pepsi.

A pediatrics group says they were wrong to limit all children to two hours of screen time a day. In other words, they know when they have been beaten.

A pediatrics group says they were wrong to limit all children to two hours of screen time a day. They now say digital devices are OK for toddlers. Mostly after pleas from parents who say they haven’t communicated with their children other than with texts since they were two.

A pediatrics group says they were wrong to limit all children to two hours of screen time a day. Which means their attempts have pretty much gone the way of having kids cut back on sugar, fat and time on the couch.

Swiss doctors have successfully used nose cartilage to repair bad knees. That means the entire NFL season could be saved with the cooperation of Adrien Brody alone.

The WHO says polio vaccine makers are failing to make enough. The good news is that there will be more than enough if the patent is given over to Mylan just as long as they can charge $600 for each dose.

Detroit officials are warning of a hepatitis scare at a Whole Foods location. People were surprised at the news. Who in Detroit has enough money to shop at Whole Foods?

A study says the wealthy spend less time looking at the people around them. Mostly because they are too busy looking for the closest mirror to stare into.

A study says the wealthy spend less time looking at the people around them. That news even surprised the rich. There are other people?

An analysis says that chocolate may be good for you. At least as long as you don’t try to take it out of your wife’s personal stash.

Donald Trump gave a speech outlining his plan for his first 100 days as President. People thought it was unnecessary. If Trump wins the presidency they don’t expect the world to be around that long.

Donald Trump gave a speech outlining his plan for his first 100 days as President. Apparently it will take him about that long to arrange for the mirrors and white tigers to remodel the White House into a replica of Las Vegas style hotel.

A love scene between Tom Cruise and Cobie Smulders in the movie “Jack Reacher” was reportedly cut. Mostly because Cruise kept ending it by jumping up and down on a couch yelling “I’m in love!”

A love scene between Tom Cruise and Cobie Smulders in the movie “Jack Reacher” was reportedly cut. Apparently viewers just didn’t think it was realistic. Cruise in bed with a woman?

Anne Hathaway says she faked being happy during her Oscar acceptance speech. Not really. She just wanted an excuse to remind everyone she has won an Oscar.

Anne Hathaway says she faked being happy during her Oscar acceptance speech. That must have taken some real acting skills. Why would anyone be happy after just winning an Oscar?

Anne Hathaway says she faked being happy during her Oscar acceptance speech. It’s too bad she couldn’t have given that good of a performance the time she and James Franco were the hosts.

Oprah Winfrey told people who don’t like Hillary Clinton to vote for her because “she’s not coming to your house.” The problem is that she is talking to the same voters who elected George W. Bush twice because they wanted to have a beer with him.

Oprah Winfrey told people who don’t like Hillary Clinton to vote for her because “she’s not coming to your house.” Which was a relief to the women whose biggest fear is that Hillary will come around looking for Bill and that would be the end of all their good China.

The singer of the National Anthem at an NBA game between the Heat and 76ers knelt during their performance. The only question is was that really the best way to protest a song by actually going out in public and singing it?

Chat apps that allow “always on” group videos have arrived. The tricky part for users will be scrolling around trying to find someone using them who is actually wearing any clothes.

Target has passed Wal-Mart as the top corporate user of solar power. In fact, they are so into going green they are challenging all the hackers to use only alternate energy sources when they breach their credit card data bases.

David Bunnell, the creator of PC World and Macworld magazines has died at age 69. To which all Mac and PC users when hearing the news asked “what’s a magazine?”

Microsoft stock has hit an all-time high for the first time since 1999. The last time that happened, it was such big news that Bill Gates actually changed the bowl he used for his haircuts.

Astronomers have produced the world’s most detailed map ever of the Milky Way Galaxy. Now if they could figure out how to get Google Maps to get us to the airport without going down five dead end roads and ending up at the city landfill.

Hillary Clinton’s research files characterized Bernie Sanders as a “failed lawmaker.” Mostly because he is a democratic socialist and doesn’t have the first idea of how to even solicit a basic bribe.

Hillary Clinton says that Donald Trump is “threatening U.S. democracy.” That’s not true. His statements, policies and actions have gotten more people than ever to be determined to exercise their right to vote to keep him out of the White House.

A report says the Pentagon should scrap its $40 Billion aircraft carrier program. Which is not that big of a deal to the Pentagon, whose term for $40 Billion is “Tuesday.”

Joe Biden says he wishes he could take Donald Trump “behind the gym” for his comments about women. The only problem is that Biden and Trump look like the two people least likely to know where the gym is even located.

Donald Trump says the U.S. election will be “Brexit times five.” Mostly from all the people who will be trying to leave the country if he is elected.

Taylor Swift says she felt “violated” during a groping incident by a DJ at a club. In fact, she came this close to dating him, breaking up and writing songs about him so he would know what it felt like.

Donald Trump has landed his first major newspaper endorsement from the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Which would be great news if only any of his supporters actually ever read any newspapers.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, my beloved Dodgers fell in six games to the long overdue Cubs. I guess more than anything it was a matter of the odds finally taking over after 72 years since the last Cubs World Series appearance and 108 years since their last win. The Dodgers played great during the season and had a chance against the Cubs but Clayton Kershaw wasn’t able to serve up one more miracle when they needed it. He probably ran out of gas after having a hand in the first four playoff wins, and that was coming off a regular season that was interrupted with a serious back injury. Overall, a great year for the Dodgers and hopefully next year will be the one we bring home the Big Pennant. Until then, I will remain loyal as always and hope you do the same by remembering to always keep sending the love!



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