Friday, October 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says 72% of Americans are concerned about election security. Which is why only the other 28% are the ones who still show up to vote.

Madonna has promised oral sex to people who vote for Hillary Clinton. Which is interesting in the fact that political experts are saying that Donald Trump is the one blowing this election.

Some owners of Samsung washing machines fear they are “time bombs” waiting to explode. There hasn’t been such a fear of washing machines since the Maytag repairman was discovered to be a jihadist.

The World Health Organization says failure to find a sex partner should be considered a disability. Which could be a bit of an overreach when it may just be a result of the inability to pick a good wingman.

The World Health Organization says failure to find a sex partner should be considered a disability. The good news is that the losers who keep striking out at the singles bars will at least have a short walk to their cars by themselves with their access to handicap parking.

A report says that the fear of violence and vandalism is resulting in fewer political lawn signs and bumper stickers this year. Which means there may be some good coming out of this election after all.

A report says that the fear of violence and vandalism is resulting in fewer political lawn signs and bumper stickers this year. The good news is that people who see a sign or bumper sticker for the person they aren’t supporting feel those houses and cars have already been defaced enough.

Some restaurant CEOs are blaming the election for a drop in sales. Mostly from people watching the presidential debates and commercials and suddenly losing their appetite.

Scientists have discovered an object made from aluminum that dates back 250,000 years. They thought it may have come from an advanced civilization until they found it was inscribed with “No deposit, no return.”

A conviction of Osama bin Laden’s personal assistant has been upheld on appeal. Which is just as well. If he was free, it’s not like having a resume with his employment history is going to get him a job unless Mel Gibson is hiring.

The University of Toronto is demanding an anti-PC professor use gender correct pronouns. The worst part of that is the fact that most college students have no idea what a pronoun even is.

Donald Trump says he will accept the results of the election “If I win.” Which shouldn’t be that difficult to verify since at this point it looks like only 37 people are still intending to actually cast ballots in this race.

Amid rigged election charges, Russia has volunteered to monitor the polls. With so many claims of registration lists filled with dead people, any monitoring should be taken from the Russians and handed over to the morticians union.

Apple says that many supposedly genuine Apple products being sold on Amazon are actually fake. Fortunately, all the Samsung products are real and are guaranteed to be delivered while still on fire.

Apple says that many supposedly genuine Apple products being sold on Amazon are actually fake. Apparently the manufacture was caught when they put them up for sale and actually asked a reasonable price.

Tesla says by next year its cars will be able to drive across the country without any hands on the wheel. To which every driver under the age of 25 is saying “You can put your hands on the wheel?”

A rare disease is putting a British girl at risk of eating so much it could kill her. The affliction is known around the rest of the world as being an American.

A study says men’s sleep habits may affect their fertility. Especially after what their wife does to them when they find out whose bed they have been sleeping in.

A study says that marijuana use has been steady among teens and young adults over the past decade. Which explains why the cost of college has been going up so much, not because of rising tuition but because students are too stoned to graduate before they turn 30.

A study says fake pills may help with back pain, even if the user knows they are placebos. Mostly because they lose the pain in their backside they have had from paying for all those real painkiller prescription bills.

A poll says 60% of Americans feel that pot should be legalized. The other 40% who took the survey just kept staring into space asking “What was the question?”

The Governor of Vermont is proposing limits to painkiller prescriptions within the state. The only problem is that most people need the pills to dull the pain they feel after going through another winter in Vermont.

A study says that exercise may help people with memory loss. For one thing, it helps them remember why they quit working out all those years ago.

The Rolling Stones canceled a show in Las Vegas after Mick Jagger came down with a case of laryngitis. Apparently he got the sore throat from standing in the buffet line yelling out “Can we get some more shrimp cocktail here?!”

Kendall Jenner says she had a teenage crush on Justin Bieber. It’s a good thing they didn’t go out. When they broke up, she just would have ended up with egg on her face.

Taylor Swift has asked a judge to seal photos over an alleged groping case, saying they would just end up being shared for “scandalous and prurient” interests. And she feels those interests should just be limited to her song lyrics.

Stephen Baldwin says he doesn’t think his brother Alec’s impression of Donald Trump is very funny. Either that or he is jealous that the only impression he has ever come up with was doing Barney Rubble in “Viva Rock Vegas.”

Stephen Baldwin says he doesn’t think his brother Alec’s impression of Donald Trump is very funny. At least it’s not as funny as Stephen Baldwin’s impression of having an acting career.

Johnny Manziel is being sued for $350,000 for reportedly trashing a Hollywood mansion. Fortunately, a lot of the valuables were not damaged as he was trying to wreck the place by throwing things around.

Charlie Sheen has offered to throw out the ceremonial first pitch in a World Series game in Cleveland in character as Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn. Or he could just go as Charlie Sheen who is just as well known for throwing out his career.

A report says the average ticket price for a World Series game in Cleveland is going for more than $1,100. The people are happy to pay that much. It’s not like Cleveland baseball fans have had anything else to spend money on over the past 60 years.

A Microsoft app applies virtual makeup to women who make Skype calls. Which is a good idea as makeup is about the only thing women making most calls on Skype end up wearing.

Website creator Weebly was hacked with personal information of 43 Million users breached. Who would have thought the security at Weebly would be so wobbly?

A former NSA contractor was found to be hoarding two decades worth of classified material. And that was just what he was able to access off Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server.

Tesla says its auto-driving feature will cost $8,000. The actual cost of the device will be $3,000 with the other $5,000 going into an account to pay for the driver’s eventual funeral expenses.

Jeff Bezos declined to condemn Peter Thiel for supporting Donald Trump, saying Thiel is a contrarian, and contrarians are usually wrong. To which he then said on the other hand…

A report says AT&T is considering buying Time Warner. To which even AOL is saying good luck with that merger.

A report says Kodak is considering entering the smartphone market. Theirs will be the one that has the camera part of the phone fitted with a flashcube.

Patriots coach Bill Belichick says he is done using tablets on the field and is going back to paper. He says he feels they are undependable, difficult to use and you can never be sure that they can be completely wiped clean of any evidence.

A report says the number of women in tech jobs is trending down. Mostly from the long hours, mental fatigue and fear that one day they will actually find themselves being attracted to their male techno-nerd coworkers.

A report says Millennials are getting tested more often for STDs through the mail. Although someone needs to tell them that they are not at risk for any STDs, just mold and mildew from watching an endless stream of Internet porn in their parents’ basement.

Maine Governor Paul LePage says that Donald Trump needs to “get over himself.” Republicans need to be alarmed. How bad is it when their candidate for President is being given psychological evaluations by Paul LePage?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back! A nice long trip to Orlando with my daughter is finally over. I am exhausted. Mostly from the constant arm strain from reaching back to get my wallet out yet again. It’s almost like the money disappears through osmosis when you are at a theme part. The cash just flies out. They are like the government only they actually make a profit. We went to all the theme parks and visited some old friends from when I used to live there. It is a beautiful city. I know because I was able to look at nearly every building while driving 5 mph down I-4 to try to get anywhere. Oh, well. Back to reality. At least I was able to fire off a few jokes just about every day, and now am up to full speed again. Just what you were hoping for. Right? Now that I am back on my regular schedule, you can also make sure to get back to remembering to keep on always sending the love!

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