Sunday, October 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Google has launched a “fact check” feature for news stories. To which the New York Times is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Google has launched a “fact check” feature for news stories online. Which will be good for searching out the 2% of news stories originating on the Internet that are actually true.

Google has launched a “fact check” feature for information online. Which can be remedied by just telling everyone looking up their medical symptoms on the Internet that despite what it says, they are not in danger of dying in the next 24 hours.

Researchers have pinpointed a chemical with the potential to postpone aging. Don’t we already have that? It’s the THC in marijuana that makes Baby Boomers behave like a bunch of 16 year olds.

Underpaid refugees were reportedly found picking grapes on the Tuscany estate of Sting. At least now that finally explains that his business practices were how he got the name “Sting.”

President Obama has lifted the embargo on Cuban liquor and cigars. Which is good news for Wall Street executives who felt they were wasting good money lighting domestic cigars with $100 bills.

President Obama has lifted the embargo on Cuban liquor and cigars. To which at least the upper 1% can now say we have finally beaten Fidel Castro.

Russia says its ties with the U.S. are the worst since 1973. To which political experts are downplaying the statements, saying if they think they are bad now, just wait until Donald Trump becomes President.

A report says workers in a California prison regard inmates as “wild animals.” Which is understandable as the prisoners still refuse to even try to lift their pinkies during afternoon tea.

The FAA has issued an emergency order banning Samsung Galaxy Note 7 cellphones from airplanes. Although they haven’t addressed how to deal with the bigger emergency when passengers will freak out being stuck flying on a jet for three hours without being able to access their smartphone.

Tech industry elites in San Francisco are funding a measure to ban homeless camps in the city. Which is ironic in that most of the homeless problem was created when the tech elites started buying up Bay Area properties raising the price of a two bedroom fixer upper to $3.7 Million.

United Airlines is investing $200 Million in airport lounges. Mostly so they can keep their passengers liquored up enough so they won’t notice their flight is taking off three days later than scheduled.

A poll says 17% of Americans cite the economy as the nation’s top problem. The other 83% couldn’t take the survey because they were busy working one of their three jobs trying to be able to make ends meet.

A poll says 17% of Americans cite the economy as the nation’s top problem. What’s scary is the other 83% have found something even worse to worry about.

A study says American workers leave $272 Billion worth of vacation time on the table. Which ironically then is used instead for executive bonuses which they use to buy their next beach house.

A report says the wealth of the world’s billionaires fell last year, which has the richest families worried. It’s getting so bad, pretty soon freeway offramps will be crowded with people holding signs saying “Will take whatever you can give to keep me from flying commercial.”

A new app helps treat people with incontinence. Mostly for the fact that most people no longer have a problem with talking and texting on their phone even while they are using the bathroom.

A study says that many adults are being diagnosed with ADHD later in life. Mostly the ones who realize they have no idea what anyone said after watching in entirety all of the presidential debates.

A report says smokeless tobacco called snus may increase the risk of death from prostate cancer. Although if you are getting prostate cancer from smokeless tobacco, you may be putting that pinch between the wrong cheek and gum.

A baby born with an adult sized tongue underwent life saving surgery. The only drawback is that it ruined its Halloween plans to dress up as Gene Simmons.

A study says 1 in 5 young adults in the U.S. uses a hookah. The other 4 just don’t want to be so obvious around the house so they just borrow their parents’ bong.

A study says natural disasters could increase the risk of substance abuse. At least that’s what people are claiming so they can get FEMA to pay for their next stint in rehab.

A study says that smartphones “contaminate” family life. The finding was so upsetting to some parents they immediately notified their children about it with a text message.

A Dutch law would allow assisted suicide for healthy older people. Especially the ones who just can’t go through life anymore spending half their days pulling splinters out of their feet from their wooden shoes.

Donald Trump, speaking about Lindsay Lohan says that troubled women are the best in bed. Mostly because any woman is immediately diagnosed as having issues if they are attracted to someone with a haircut like Donald Trump.

A report says the Raiders won’t leave Oakland until at least 2019. Mostly out of respect to their fans whose parole hearings aren’t scheduled until then.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am on vacation but am still trying to crank out jokes for your benefit during the brief interludes between burning up all my cash on the activities in Orlando. Although I should be able to write 20 or 30 jokes just in the time I am waiting in line at all the attractions. I will try to fire off a few on Monday through Wednesday before I am back at home Thursday. I hope until then you have enough of a life to find something else to do that is actually worthwhile. Until then, just because I am out of town doesn’t mean you can’t keep on always sending the love!

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