Thursday, October 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

French President Francois Hollande says his country has a problem with Islam. Which is true, but he forgot to mention they also have a problem with Catholics, Protestants, Jews, soap and deodorant.

A study says antidepressants are twice as likely to cause thoughts of suicide. Mostly when people get their bills from the pharmacy for their prescriptions and from the therapist who prescribed them.

Janet Jackson has announced she is pregnant at age 50. Which means she is copying Michael who also had no problem being middle aged and with child.

A model wearing a dress made of red meat says it became “disgusting” under the heat of the studio lights. The worst part is that the photographer who was in charge of the shoot got it at a second hand store where it was donated by Lady gaga.

A study says the U.S. is ranked 47th out of 50 countries when it comes to aerobic fitness. Mexico came in last, mostly because anyone there with any running stamina has already made it across the border.

The top U.N. Human Rights official says the world is in danger if Donald Trump is elected President. Apparently the rest of the world is just now getting to see syndicated reruns of “The Apprentice.”

A study says that corrupt government officials is the biggest fear of Americans. Although after this election it might become narcissistic, sex-crazed billionaires.

South Los Angeles residents are reportedly becoming fed up with piles of trash littering their neighborhoods. Just a few years ago those were welcomed and were known as “yard sales.”

Astronomers are planning a “space nation” to be called “Asgardia” that could house as many as 100,000 people orbiting the Earth at once. So far the most popular suggestion so far is to load it with as many people from Detroit as possible.

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf has resigned, walking away with a reported $137 Million in severance pay. At least we know now where all that money that was supposed to be in the accounts ended up.

Astrologers from around the world are meeting to predict who will win the presidential election. Their decision will be pretty obvious depending on whether their choice precedes a prediction for the start of World War III.

A study says selfies increase people’s happiness. Especially for the Kardashian women who have figured out a way to turn the obsession into a multi-million dollar fortune.

Toyota has recalled 340,000 Prius Hybrid cars for faulty brakes. The problem is that the engineers who designed the cars just figured the car can’t go fast enough to warrant having any brakes in the first place.

A report says that vote by mail ballots have been returned in New Jersey. Mostly when it was revealed the majority of them were writing in Snookie for President.

A study says colleges are not teaching students core disciplines necessary for the workplace. Although the colleges disagree, saying they show them a valuable lesson in how easy it is for someone to sucker them out of all their money when they sign them up for all their tuition loans.

A survey says that female law partners make 44% less than men. To which the male partners are asking “How did she get a raise?”

A report says that dating apps are courting older, wealthier users. The only problem is that the older, wealthier users will be losing half of what they own when their wives find out they have signed up.

The demand for service robots is expected to accelerate over the next three years. Mostly because anyone who has been to a restaurant, department store or government office knows that humans have completely lost the concept of the term “service.”

U.S. dairy farmers have dumped 43 Million gallons of excess milk. Only in this case it will be the consumers and taxpayers who are footing the bill who will be doing all the crying.

President Obama is warning of the dangers of Artificial Intelligence wiping out jobs. People were not too concerned. They were just happy to hear there are even any jobs that could be threatened in the first place.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I wasn’t able to put out any jokes yesterday, missing a day for the first time in quite a while. I was en route to Florida for a getaway and was going to write on the plane but got into a nice conversation with a fellow passenger and that was the end of that. It was just nice to be sitting next to someone other than a crying baby or drunk air rager. I was able to crank out a few today and we’ll see what I can come up with next week. In the meantime, there are still more jokes here than on most other sites so you have that going for you. Now if you could all just remember to take the time to make sure and keep sending the love!

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