Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Bill O’Reilly says three media organizations have ordered their employees to “destroy” Donald Trump. Apparently he came to that conclusion after watching the different news channels keep showing what Trump says every day.

Mark Zuckerberg says that animals “taste better” when you’ve hunted them yourself. The really creepy part is the space on his living room wall trophy case that is reserved for the head of Bill Gates.

The WHO says governments should tax sugar to fight obesity. Mostly because creating taxes is about the only thing governments around the world can ever be easily talked into doing.

A report says men are paying to have services send them texts from fake girlfriends. Which many men found out is pretty much the same thing as signing up for a membership with Ashley Madison.

McDonald’s is having Ronald McDonald lay low in the wake of the world wide clown scare. The worst part is Santa Claus being worried that going out as a fat man in a red suit with rosy cheeks could end up with him spending Christmas Eve in jail.

A minister in Las Vegas got the first ever tattoo during a sermon. Not only that, he had a faith healer standing by to cure him of the Hepatitis C that he was going to get with the procedure.

A historic clock in Indianapolis needs $20,000 worth of work to start ticking again. Although city leaders don’t know if its worth it because of the expense, continued maintenance and the fact that know one knows how to read an analog clock anymore.

A study says concussions in young people increase during the fall season. Mostly because that is the season that people play football, hockey and bang their heads against the wall while watching the presidential debates.

BMW has created a concept motorcycle that is self-balancing. Anyone who wants the feel of the open road while not having to worry about falling over already has an alternative. It’s called riding a golf cart.

The U.S. government says it is going to buy $20 Million of surplus cheese. Apparently the dairy farm owners just didn’t have 20 years to let the cheese sit and mold in a batch of preservatives so they could eventually sell it as Velveeta.

Amazon is reportedly considering opening a chain of convenience stores. They wanted to call it 7-11, not because of the competing chain but for the standard Amazon pay scale for workers of $7.11 an hour.

President Obama highlighted the role of the space industry in sending humans to Mars. Was that really necessary? Who else was going to get us there, the nation’s bicycle manufacturers?

St. Jude Medical is recalling heart devices because of battery issues. The worst part is having one of the devices and wondering if they used the same battery company that designed the power pack for Samsung phones.

Comcast has been fined $2.3 Million for charging customers for channels they didn’t order. Mostly the 497 out of 500 channels that feature home shopping, religious programming or the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Comcast has been fined $2.3 Million for charging customers for channels they didn’t order. Mostly because men are upset about paying for 500 channels when all they want are ESPN, the Golf Channel and Playboy TV.

Economists say Donald Trump’s promise of a 4% economic growth has “no chance.” In fact, after his latest hot mic comments Trump will be lucky if he comes up with a 4% approval rating.

Economists say Donald Trump’s promise of a 4% economic growth has “no chance.” In fact, the only 4% growth is the length of his nose every time he makes one of his promises.

An Arkansas woman says KFC served maggot-infested chicken that sent her 5 year old to the hospital. To which the store’s manager says it was a simple mistake, that the server thought she ordered her chicken extra-insecty.

An Arkansas woman says KFC served maggot-infested chicken that sent her 5 year old to the hospital. To which medical experts say to be honest, if he eats enough KFC one way or another it will get him to the exact same place.

Chicago came in third in a ranking of the best cities for active living. Mostly for the fresh lake air, available walking trails and people learning to run while ducking under fire going from their home to their car.

The Trump Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City has closed after 26 years. Apparently the final straw was when management saw all the casino workers were putting their entire 401(k) accounts down on Hillary to win in November.

The Trump Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City has closed after 26 years. Which is unfortunate because Donald Trump’s plan to balance the federal budget included taking all the slot machines and placing them in the congressional dining hall.

Boston and San Francisco have been named as the most active cities in the country. Mostly people constantly on the move looking for a house or apartment they can actually afford.

Boston and San Francisco have been named as the most active cities in the country. Which is ironic seeing as how both of their baseball teams just got eliminated from the playoffs because they just couldn’t get enough runners across the plate.

A study says that heavy physical exertion along with a negative emotional state can lead to heart attacks. Mostly people shoveling two feet of snow from their driveway while cursing the weatherman for calling for partly cloudy and 75 degrees.

A study says that putting kids in day care is not linked to childhood obesity. Apparently there is no danger of getting fat while the kids are always subjected to illness, running away from bullies and being ignored for hours on end by the staff.

A study says binge watching on Netflix can be good for a relationship. Mostly from not fighting about money after spending $50 on tickets, parking and snacks to do the same thing at the movie theater.

A study says binge watching on Netflix can be good for a relationship. It’s just nice that so many people find others with the same common bond of loving to sit on the couch while watching mindless shows and snacking for hours at a time.

Ben Affleck says about co-parenting while being divorced is “We do our best.” It’s just too bad he didn’t have the same attitude when he signed on to do “Reindeer Games,” “Jersey Girl” or “Gigli.”

Ben Affleck attended the premier of his new movie “The Accountant.” Red carpet watchers were excited to see he was outfitted for the event by Dockers pants, Polo shirts and Hush Puppies shoes.

Rapper Drake has canceled the rest of his “Summer Sixteen” tour because of an injury. Which is a coincidence because Anthony Weiner also had to cancel his plans for his own “Summer 16” tour after getting caught and clobbered by his wife.

Rod Stewart was knighted at Buckingham Palace this week. Although it was a bit frightening when the Queen put the sword on his shoulder he had a flashback to his ex-wives and their lawyers at all of his divorce trials.

Tim Tebow went 0 for 3 in his first AFL game but reportedly came to the aid of a fan who had a seizure. At least they thought it was a seizure but it turns out he just got stuck while Tebowing.

President Obama has set a goal of establishing a Mars habitat in the 2030s. Although the way this presidential election is going, most people would like an alternate White House built there now with the winner taking residence there in January.

Skype has announced that live translations on the site are now available in Russian. Which makes it so much to talk with all the hackers who are simultaneously breaking into their e-mail, bank and social network accounts.

Sheryl Sandberg says she would not take a position in the Cabinet if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, saying she will stay at Facebook. Mostly because she knows with her technical expertise she would be spending her whole day just deleting all of the White House e-mails.

A study says that robots will eventually take over the Asian workforce. Which means it turns out to have been a big mistake to spend all that time concentrating on teaching their kids math when they can have their job taken by a walking calculator.

A study says that robots will eventually take over the Asian workforce. Which is going to be difficult to tell an engineer that the robot they are just completing will now help them clean out their desk, escort them to the door and take over their responsibilities.

The Note 7 phone fiasco could reportedly cost Samsung $17 Billion. It will be the most money going down the drain involving a cellphone other than the monthly billing sent in by all the wireless customers at AT&T.

A major dust storm is forecast to hit Mars later this month. Which means we haven’t even gotten to Mars yet but it’s guaranteed someone will start blaming us for their global warming.

A poll says 2 in 5 Americans say Donald Trump’s latest hot mic comments disqualified him from being President. The other 3 say he disqualified himself with his policies, insults, racism, economic plan, tax avoidance, business failures…

Former House Speaker John Boehner says he is still voting for Donald Trump. Mostly because now that he is retired, he is the one person in Washington who can still support Trump and not have his political career thrown off the tracks.

Former House Speaker John Boehner says he is still voting for Donald Trump. Mostly so he can make fun of everyone else who will have their turn to cry after Trump becomes President.

George W. Bush and his wife Laura say they have chosen their final resting places in a cemetery in Austin. Although historians have known some time that Bush will really be buried at the bottom of the list of presidential rankings.

Al Gore says Donald Trump would create a “climate catastrophe” as President. And that doesn’t even include the global warming that will result from his burning all the copies of his old tax returns.

A poll says a majority of Americans say the government is doing too much. To which the rest of the people are asking them to explain exactly what it is they actually do.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I will be taking a trip with my daughter for a little R&R. Or as most vacationers know that as, “Ripped off and ransacked.” I will still try to hammer out a few jokes every day. It won’t be my usual amount, but will still be more than you will find on any other joke site. And just because I will lower my output a bit, there is still no reason for you to stop remembering to keep on sending the love!


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