Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says young couples are holding “vasectomy parties” to celebrate a childless marriage. Mostly because of all the places they can go, things they can buy and money they can save by not having to think about living a life of poverty to put everything in a college education plan.

A report says young couples are holding “vasectomy parties” to celebrate a childless marriage. A vasectomy party is the one where it isn’t just the cake that is being cut.

Charlie Rose interviewed a robot named “Sophia” on “60 Minutes.” Viewers were amazed by the human like movements, monotone but understandable voice and somewhat intelligent conversation. They also thought the robot did a good job.

Charlie Rose interviewed a robot named “Sophia” on “60 Minutes.” The robot exhibited human like movements and gave somewhat coherent answers. The bad part is that people tuning in thought it was a sit down with Hillary Clinton.

A report says students are flooding college mental health centers, mostly for help with anxiety. The busiest time is usually the day after tuition loan statements are sent out.

A report says students are flooding college mental health centers, mostly for help with anxiety. And those are just the kids who bother to watch any of the presidential debates.

A study says Millennials are the most likely demographic to swear at work. Mostly when they get their check and try to figure out how they are going to make it cover the cost of rent, food and their college tuition loans.

A study says Millennials are the most likely demographic to swear at work. Mostly the ones who see how it worked to make a billionaire and presidential candidate out of Donald Trump.

Researchers say that men are more likely than women to bottle up their feelings. To which women are saying they could have saved the scientists some time and money by telling them they have only known that for a couple thousand years.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says Colin Kaepernick’s protest of the National Anthem is “really dumb.” But then so is taking on being the quarterback of the San Francisco 49’ers.

Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to spend her own money on her presidential campaign. Although the way he has been going, it looks like he is doing it so he will have another billion dollars he can write off as a total loss.

The IMF says China must wean itself off debt addiction to avoid financial calamity. Mostly because the debt it has an addiction to is loaning the U.S. money it will never get back.

Experts are warning there could be a Titanic style disaster unless controls are put in place over cruise ships in the Arctic Ocean. To which the cruise lines are saying that won’t be a problem until Carnival expands out of the tropics.

A bald eagle in Florida was freed from being stuck in the grille of a car by Hurricane Matthew. Trailer park residents in Florida were happy the eagle was rescued and that it can now be taken to where it really belongs. On a grill.

A lawsuit says a Wisconsin strip club’s pay scheme is unlawful and cheats its dancers. Fortunately, the scam was discovered by the strippers themselves because of all the college math classes they have been able to pay for with their tip money.

The World Clown Association is condemning the “creepy” craze going on around the world. Although it was hard to take their spokesman seriously as he wore a fake red nose and kept honking a bike horn after finishing every sentence.

The World Clown Association is condemning the “creepy” craze going on around the world. Mostly just because it is the first time in the World Clown Association’s history they have an issue they can actually use to represent their members.

Two economists from Harvard and MIT won the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work on contracts. Although they still can’t explain why CEOs who are incompetent and drive their businesses into the ground walk out the door with $40 Million in severance pay.

Warren Buffett criticized Donald Trump, saying he has been paying taxes for the past 72 years. People were shocked. They had no idea anyone had an income going back even to 2007.

The audience for the second presidential debate dropped by 20%. Mostly the people who were disappointed that the first debate ended with both candidates able to leave the floor under their own power.

The two winners of the Nobel Prize in Economics say the U.S. economy is doing well. To which the Nobel Committee members immediately took back the trophies and said “You should have quit while you were ahead.”

Taxpayers may chip in $750 Million to help build a new stadium in Las Vegas if the Oakland Raiders move there. Which would be done the old fashioned Las Vegas way of just skimming it off the top of the other taxes they pay.

Taxpayers may chip in $750 Million to help build a new stadium in Las Vegas if the Oakland Raiders move there. Which would be paid for with no problem if all the residents swear off going to the casino buffet line for just one week.

A survey says most drivers with a built-in GPS system in their car still use their phone for directions. Apparently the built-in systems are outdated since like a phone they can’t be used simultaneously to text, tweet and post on Facebook.

A survey says voters who favor Donald Trump are more likely to be financially insecure. To which most economists are saying just wait until after he is elected.

A survey says voters who favor Donald Trump are more likely to be financially insecure. If that’s the case, the question is why isn’t he expected to win by a landslide?

A study says high blood pressure medications are linked to an increase in the risk of depression. Especially when patients see their blood pressure going even higher once they get their monthly bill from the pharmacy.

Nestle is recalling some ice cream due to fears of listeria contamination. Which still isn’t as dangerous as all their other ice cream products for the threat of diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure.

A study says that doctors can tell which patients will respond to antidepressants. Mostly the ones who have a health plan that will cover the cost of their pharmacy bills.

A study says that doctors can tell which patients will respond to antidepressants. Unfortunately, it is the ones who don’t seem to be very sad about anything.

October 10th was World Mental Health Day. Which probably wasn’t a coincidence that they scheduled it on the day after the October 9th presidential debate.

Nearly 1,000 pounds of Lunchables snacks have been recalled because of allergen concerns. Fortunately, most kids don’t seem to have any allergies to the main ingredients of fat, sugar and salt.

WWE wrestler Paige has been suspended 60 days for a second violation of the company’s wellness policy. Apparently it clearly states that it can be dangerous to inject steroids while also taking Human Growth Hormone.

WWE wrestler Paige has been suspended 60 days for a second violation of the company’s wellness policy. It says right in black and white that a piledriver and Triple Jump Moonsault should never be performed as a combination while hitting an opponent with a folding chair.

Sylvester Stallone’s 19 year old half-brother Dante Stallone was attacked in Florida. People were stunned. What was Stallone’s dad taking that he has kids aged 19 and 70?

Sylvester Stallone’s 19 year old half-brother Dante Stallone was attacked in Florida. What was their father thinking having kids more than 50 years apart? One is just out of diapers and the other is getting ready to need them again.

Some athletes have responded to Donald Trump’s defense that his remarks about women were strictly “locker room talk,” saying they have never heard talk like that. Apparently those were the athletes who never had a locker near Ray Rice, Aaron Hernandez or O.J. Simpson.

Denver Broncos Coach Gary Kubiak has been diagnosed with a rare, complex migraine headache condition. Rare in the fact that the symptoms are usually restricted to Cleveland Browns fans.

A report says astronauts voyaging to Mars may be exposed to enough cosmic radiation to cause brain damage. Which is no big deal since it is pretty much one of the requirements for anyone actually volunteering to live on Mars.

A new field called bioelectronics shows promise of being able to shock patients out of their drug habits. Apparently researchers got the idea after seeing how people quit taking their medications once they got their monthly bill from the pharmacy.

A 12 year old boy from Spain mistakenly ran up a $112,000 bill on Google. Although some say Google should have become suspicious sooner. Who in Spain actually has $120,000?

A 12 year old boy from Spain mistakenly ran up a $112,000 bill on Google. Apparently he accidentally mixed up signing on to Google while he was trying to look up googol. (Look it up)

A report says Russians didn’t just hack the Democrats but also the GOP. It’s just that they didn’t need to release any damaging e-mails since nothing they found is anything as embarrassing as what Donald Trump says every day.

A report says 180 GOP leaders have denounced Donald Trump. It’s getting so bad that Republicans are starting to refer to the George W. Bush Administration as “the good old days.”

Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence says about Trump’s latest comments that he “believes in forgiveness.” The only question is how willing will Pence be to forgive Trump for completely ruining any future chance of him ever holding public office again?

A report says it is worse to be a girl in the U.S. than in Kazakhstan. Mostly because there are only a few girls they could find in any U.S. classrooms who could even come close to correctly spelling “Kazakhstan.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have nothing to add to this today. The entire world is up in the air. The election is less than a month away, baseball is getting ready to wrap up the year and football is trying to hold an audience past the playing of the National Anthem. I’ll just say that I am still cranking them out as usual and appreciate you reading them no matter how painful it can be. And to think all I ever ask is that you keep on remembering to always send the love!


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