Sunday, October 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A reboot of the TV show “Dynasty” is coming to the CW Network. Which is not to be confused with the idea of eight more years of having the Clintons living in the White House.

A poll says 29% of Americans trust the media’s fact checking of candidates. What’s worse is that less than 29% of what any of the candidates say has proven to actually be a fact.

Completely autonomous cars have been approved in California, as long as they don’t go faster than 35 miles an hour. People were curious about the provision. Where in California is there traffic moving faster than 35 miles an hour?

A Chinese man who killed his parents tried to cover up his crime by also killing 17 neighbors. To which O.J. Simpson is saying “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Democrats are objecting to a Florida plan to register voters at several Chick-fil-A locations. Apparently since the fast food chain supports conservative causes, the Democrats are crying fowl.

Democrats are objecting to a Florida plan to register voters at several Chick-fil-A locations. Forget registration. If we want to see the most people turn out at an election we should just allow Americans to vote at any fast food restaurant.

Several companies have banded together to produce a series of Virtual Reality concerts. Don’t we already have that? Formulated jingles recorded with Auto-Tune and lip synced on stage was pioneered years ago by Britney Spears.

A survey says half of all Donald Trump’s supporters don’t trust the vote count in the upcoming election. Neither do most other Americans who find it difficult to believe that anyone will actually be casting a vote for either candidate.

The Congo will delay a national election scheduled for this year until 2018. To which most Americans are saying “You can do that?”

Netflix shut down temporarily over the weekend which created a firestorm of complaints over Twitter. It’s just nice to see people have a backup plan of something to keep them busy in case their scheduled binge watching is ever interrupted.

A survey says 1 Million Americans have already finished their Christmas shopping. That’s the good news. The bad news is that it is for the gifts they didn’t have enough money to buy for anyone going back to 2007.

A survey says 1 Million Americans have already finished their Christmas shopping. That gives them the rest of the holiday season to get in shape to go out on Black Friday just to punch out other shoppers.

A survey says consumers are skeptical about self-driving cars. They feel there has yet to be a computer made that can control a car better than they can while still dealing with screaming kids while eating a sandwich and sending out text messages.

Bayer says it will give up its fight against the EPA over a ban on certain pesticides. Apparently the aspirin maker feels continuing with the process would just be too much of a headache.

A study says liberal arts graduates are struggling with underemployment. The good news is their education allows them to contemplate why.

A study says liberal arts graduates are struggling with underemployment. The good news is their education allows them to philosophize whether they should put a priority on fixing the Slurpee machine or rearrange the Slim Jims on the shelf.

A study says liberal arts graduates are struggling with underemployment. At least they can use their training to figure out if it was existentially feasible to go $100,000 in debt for a degree that gets them a job as a barista at Starbucks.

Illinois says it will yank billions of dollars in business away from Wells Fargo because of its recent banking scandal. Financial experts were surprised. When did Illinois manage to come up with having any money?

New York City’s Carnegie Deli is going out of business after nearly 80 years. Although they can be satisfied knowing that any restaurant staying in business that long is certainly not chopped liver.

New York City’s Carnegie Deli is going out of business after nearly 80 years. The good news is that while the restaurant will be gone, the aftertaste from the pastrami will be around for months.

Ferrari has already sold out all 200 of their new $2.2 Million supercars. At least we know now how Wells Fargo was going to reward their executives with the cash from those bogus savings accounts before they got caught.

A study says by 2050 half the world’s population will be nearsighted. Which means the inscription on car mirrors will have to be changed to say “Objects in mirror may be fuzzier than they appear.”

A study says by 2050 half the world’s population will be nearsighted. Which will show people who don’t believe in evolution they are wrong as we will simply be adapting to never having to see anything beyond the screen of the nearest desktop, tablet or smartphone.

A study says migraine headaches could be tied to hyperthyroidism. Especially when the person suffering the headaches has to go to the pharmacy and spell out “hyperthyroidism.”

A study says migraine headaches could be tied to hyperthyroidism. Especially when the person suffering the headaches can no longer just take an aspirin but has to pay for a prescription for hyperthyroidism.

A new drug could reportedly help people addicted to alcohol reduce their drinking. Mostly when they find they are instead hooked on the drug that got them off alcohol.

A study says that entitled people may wind up being unhappy. Which may be proven in November if Donald Trump loses the election.

A six part miniseries called “Liar” is planning to be aired on SundanceTV. Which is not confused with the three part series with the same name also known as the presidential debates.

January Jones says her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher tried to discourage her from acting. Although it is just unfortunate he didn’t get the same advice when he was considering his role in “Dude, Where’s My Car”?

A fan was kicked out of the Ryder Cup gallery after making a crude comment towards golfer Rory McIlroy. Remember the old days when a spectator at a golf tournament would be admonished for having too loud of a golf clap?

A fan was kicked out of the Ryder Cup gallery after making a crude comment towards golfer Rory McIlroy. Although McIlroy was just relieved that for once he heard someone on the golf course yelling something other than “Get in the hole!”

A middle school football coach in Alabama submitted an application to be the next head coach at LSU. He would have applied to the University of Alabama but school officials there said after teaching at a middle school he was now academically overqualified.

A middle school football coach in Alabama submitted an application to be the next head coach at LSU. School officials told him he was way out of his league after only having experience with football players at the middle school level. Although they heard there might be an opening at UCF.

The DHS says hackers are casing states’ voting systems across the country. To which most Americans weren’t concerned, saying that at this point the hackers could probably make a better pick than the voters.

Google has reportedly hired financial advisers to evaluate a possible offer to buy Twitter. Which they will then come back with their opinion right after they sit down and Google it.

Google has reportedly hired financial advisers to evaluate a possible offer to buy Twitter. People were surprised. Why does a company that could buy the world even need financial advisers?

Hillary Clinton answered Donald Trump’s 3am Twitter storm with a response of her own that was posted at 3:20 in the morning. Political experts say the tweets either came from her staff, was a chance to ridicule Trump or were sent out by Hillary while she was up waiting to catch Bill sneaking back into the house.

Facebook’s new social network for business, Facebook At Work will launch October 10th. Apparently it will give people a break from posting what they ate for breakfast to instead show everyone what they had for lunch in the break room.

Microsoft says iPhones can be used to log into PCs operating on Windows 10. Now if they could only figure out something that would be able to use for logging into or booting up anything run off Windows Vista.

A report says by 2020 Wi-Fi connected cars will be able to pay for gas and parking. Although people in the San Francisco Bay Area would be satisfied if by 2020 their car could even just find them a parking space.

Linguists in the UK say the “th” sounds in English are disappearing. Now all we have to do is get rid of the “ph” for f, “gh” for f and using p, g and w when they don’t make any sound at all.

Linguists in the UK say the “th” sounds in English are disappearing. Mostly because it’s impossible to make the “th” sound with just the tongue when there are no teeth to press it against.

A study says humans are natural killers, but the most likely species to kill one of its own is the meerkat. Mostly because they are the ones least likely to be suspected.

A bartender in Washington, D.C. received 13,000 texts and 400 calls after C-SPAN mistakenly posted her number on the air. The worst part was that 11,500 of the texts were sent to her by Anthony Weiner.

A bartender in Washington, D.C. received 13,000 texts and 400 calls after C-SPAN mistakenly posted her number on the air. People were surprised at the news. There are 13,400 people who actually watch C-SPAN?

A survey says that Americans with a preference for a divided government is at its lowest in 15 years. Although the question is, who considers the government not so much divided as fractured, collapsed and demolished?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here it is, another offering from the most prolific joke writer on the planet. That’s the title I have settled on since everyone said “no way” to trying to claim being the best, funniest or most popular. I take what I can get. Which hopefully will be what I get as a result when you all remember to make sure and always keep on sending the love!



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