Friday, September 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The NFL season is underway. Not a great start for me as my first fantasy football game was delayed because all my players sat down for the National Anthem.

The University of Iowa is set to start a degree program in Social Justice. The first task for students with the major will be figuring out why it will take 25 years to pay off the loans they need to get an education.

The University of Iowa is set to start a degree program in Social Justice. Students will take part in discussions about the topic after interviewing the school’s two Hispanic and black students.

Virginia Tech is planning to have Chipotle food delivered to students using drones. The idea was approved by the FAA for airspace, the school for access to dorms and by the military for experimenting with aerial biological warfare.

The Mets have signed Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. He is already used to playing in lower professional ranks due to his time quarterbacking the Jets.

A high end marijuana boutique has opened in San Francisco which requires a $100 membership fee. The club offers activities like chess sets, one of which is expected to see its first move completed sometime by this December.

A high end marijuana boutique has opened in San Francisco which requires a $100 membership fee. The club includes a concierge, who can recommend if members should try the caramel apple or cookie dough Oreos, or the Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos.

A high end marijuana boutique has opened in San Francisco which requires a $100 membership fee. Which creates a conundrum for potential members who have to decide if they will spend their last $100 on membership dues or tonight’s pizza.

Professional clowns in North Carolina say mysterious clown sightings around the state are scaring people and hurting their business. Not to mention that it is only courteous for politicians to announce personal appearances ahead of time.

Experts are warning that robots and computers will commit more crimes than humans by 2040. Although any computers found guilty of murder could be given the blue screen of death penalty.

Experts are warning that robots and computers will commit more crimes than humans by 2040. And you thought it was bad this political season just with all the robocalls you have been getting.

Experts are warning that robots and computers will commit more crimes than humans by 2040. You know the economy is really in trouble when even criminals find their jobs are being outsourced.

Experts are warning that robots and computers will commit more crimes than humans by 2040. Robots will be represented by lawyers who will start using the defense that “I was programmed to do it!”

Experts are warning that robots and computers will commit more crimes than humans by 2040. And to think it all started out when Hillary Clinton’s e-mail server went rogue.

A Dutch man was killed when his Tesla car equipped with Autopilot crashed into a tree. Apparently designers programmed the car to watch out for other cars and pedestrians but forgot to code the system for “sycamore.”

A report says workers are having trouble staying employed in jobs in Silicon Valley past the age of 40. To which everyone around the country in every other profession is saying “Tell us about it.”

A report says workers are having trouble staying employed in jobs in Silicon Valley past the age of 40. To which women in Hollywood are saying they may transfer over to tech to get a career that lasts another 10 years.

The Seattle Seahawks say they are planning some sort of protest during the playing of the National Anthem. Which will be different than what they did in Super Bowl XLIX when they all decided to sit down on the last play of the game.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has reportedly banned sarcasm in the country. Apparently he finally realized after all these years that it wasn’t really a compliment when people walked by and said “Nice haircut!”

A report says the Hispanic population growth in the U.S. has slipped behind that of Asian-Americans. Which will finally show Donald Trump that if the Great Wall in China didn’t work, what makes him think his wall along the Mexican border will?

Wells Fargo has been fined $185 Million for years of practices that harmed its customers. The investigation was so thorough that it even included complaints found on file claiming that their stage coach seats were too hard.

Corruption charges have been dropped against former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, after the Supreme Court ruled it was OK to take money for favors as long as it wasn’t official business. Unfortunately the High Court didn’t take into account that for top ranking politicians, favors pretty much ARE their official business.

Three dozen Amish adults in Ohio were sentenced for their part in a wild Amish party that included alcohol being served to minors. It was mostly just fun for everyone to see the Supreme Court official transcripts include the term “wild Amish party.”

Three dozen Amish adults in Ohio were sentenced for their part in a wild Amish party that included alcohol being served to minors. Up until now, a “wild Amish party” consisted of a venue that had lighting from electric candles.

A report says proving their legal status can slow down immigrants’ to get health coverage. As opposed to natural born citizens who can get health insurance by just showing they have an extra $20,000 lying around to cover premiums, copays and deductions.

Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson in an interview did not know that Aleppo is a city in Syria. Although as a former governor of New Mexico he stumped the interviewer right back by challenging them to correctly spell “Albuquerque.”

The government in Beijing is pressuring 4 year olds to eat only with chopsticks. Those children would starve in America. How would you be able to survive trying to use chopsticks to eat our basic diet of pizza, hamburgers and bacon?

SpaceX could be grounded for up to a year while it investigates its recent satellite carrying rocket explosion. NASA is questioning the move, saying “That never stopped us!”

SpaceX could be grounded for up to a year while it investigates its recent satellite carrying rocket explosion. Not only that, but company CEO Elon Musk has also been sentenced to ten minutes of timeout.

Dos Equis beer has hired a new “Most Interesting Man in the World.” Although the campaign got off to a rough start as nobody really cared.

Ford has lowered profit expectations because of costs related to the most recent safety recall. And that people are reluctant to buy any cars that are undergoing safety recalls.

Chicago will get a $1 Million federal grand to boost and coordinate urban farming. Although some people have become suspicious of the project when it was announced the official adviser for the operation is Snoop Dogg.

The CEO of pharmaceutical giant Allergan says any future price hikes by his company will be limited to single digits and they will no longer gouge customers right before patents expire. The bad news for the CEO is that company shareholders could fire him for violating the industry’s basic mission statement.

A new wearable Pokemon Go device lights up and alerts the wearer when they are near a PokeStop. Users are hopeful they will also be customized to alert them when it’s time to take their Ritalin, put on their Spock ears and arrive on time for their shift at the 7-Eleven.

Levi’s Stadium in San Francisco has unveiled a rooftop farm. Which means Colin Kaepernick may not be the only squatter at 49’ers home games.

Levi’s Stadium in San Francisco has unveiled a rooftop farm. That’s nothing new. The recent study of brain injuries in the NFL shows the league has been producing vegetables for years.

A study says the number of Americans without bank accounts has dropped to 7%. The other 93% don’t have enough money to invest in stocks or a 401(k) account and like the option of keeping their spare change somewhere safer than in a jar on the kitchen counter.

Pier 1 stocks dropped 12% over performance concerns and the news that their CEO is leaving. Apparently investors were swayed into taking their money out of the company because of all the Pier pressure.

A study says the more alcohol ads that underage drinkers see, the more likely it is they will consume that product. Or whatever it is they can convince any passing adult to buy for them at the liquor store.

A study says exercise can offset the deadly effects of drinking too much alcohol. Which may finally explain why all those winos have started signing up for all the local weekend 5K fun runs.

A Senate panel is set to investigate Mylan’s EpiPen price hike. Mostly to see if they can use the same techniques to increase the amount of money they can generate at their political fundraisers.

A Senate panel is set to investigate Mylan’s EpiPen price hike. Republican Senators want to see if they can find any illegal activity, point out who is responsible and more importantly see if they can tie it in with Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server.

Fans of “Grease” are starting a rumor that Sandy actually dies at the beginning of the musical and the final shot of the car going up to the sky is taking her to heaven. Which takes on even more credibility and explains the scene where Bobby Ewing greets them all getting out of the shower.

Oliver Stone says he will “eat my shirt” if Donald Trump wins. Which is ironic in that Trump’s economic and domestic policies will pretty much leave him with nothing more than that on his back.

The Mets GM says that signing Tim Tebow was “strictly driven by baseball.” Which is easy to believe since every decision in baseball is strictly driven by money.

A study says the most expensive tickets in the NFL this year are for the New England Patriots with an average price of $347. It’s just nice for Tom Brady to see something connected to the team that doesn’t involve deflation.

The FAA is “strongly advising” against people using the Galaxy Note 7 smartphone on planes because of the threat of fire or explosion. That’s it? They “strongly advise” against using something with a history of blowing up and we are still forced to take off our shoes because some idiot gave himself a hotfoot on an airplane 15 years ago?

The FAA is “strongly advising” against people using the Galaxy Note 7 smartphone on planes because of the threat of fire or explosion. Although it will be tough to get United passengers to give up their phone no matter what the threat so they can reschedule all their canceled flights before they land.

The Wildlife Conservation Society says one tenth of the Earth’s wilderness areas has disappeared over the past two decades. What’s worse is the other nine tenths is made up mostly of locations of the Rainforest CafĂ©.

The Wildlife Conservation Society says one tenth of the Earth’s wilderness areas has disappeared over the past two decades. What’s worse is that the largest wildlife refuge recognized in the U.S. is the UNLV campus during Fraternity Rush Week.

Chelsea Clinton says that climate change is the best reason to vote for her mother for President. Mostly because the icy atmosphere that will continue from Bill and Hillary’s first stretch in the White House will be more than enough to set off any effects of global warming.

Donald Trump says of Iraq that we should go in and just “Take the oil.” Someone needs to tell him that is pretty much what we have been unsuccessfully trying to do ever since we invaded in 2003.

A truck loaded with unstamped pennies crashed on a highway in Delaware, spilling its load. It’s just unfortunate the driver was unable to stop on a dime.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NFL season has officially started. Which means from now until February women won’t have to struggle to come up with any small talk topics for their husbands other than “beer is in the fridge.” I am not much of a football fan. The violence, the greed, the aggression. And that’s just at the concession stands between quarters. It also doesn’t help that being a Raiders fan just doesn’t come with a lot of anticipation like it used to. Since 1984. Oh, well. The one thing that still gets me pumped up with adrenaline like setting up over the line of scrimmage is when you all remember to keep on sending the love!


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